Sick of my martyr sister. The act is tiresome. How do we deal?

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sfguy1 Asked August 2013

Sick of my martyr sister. The act is tiresome. How do we deal?

My brothers and sister are all caregivers for my mom but my sister has become a martyr about it. She blathers on and on about how she has to do everything, she can't get her work done, etc. Recently our mom suffered a fall. We had the situation well under control, but my sister cancelled her vacation and raced home then proceeded to complain about her ruined vacation. Everything she does for my mom she makes sure we never hear the end of it, while the rest of us just help her as needed and don't pull the whole martyr act.

Also, I don't think she is really helping our mom when she instantly drops whatever she is doing to cater to moms demands. For example, I'll ask my mom if she needs anything at the store. She says no, then when I get home will say she wants Ginger Ale. I say "fine, I'll get it tomorrow" and stick to this. My sister, on the other hand, makes several trips a day to the store to cater to moms every whim then, of course, complains about it.

Frankly, when mom passes, I don't want my sister in my life anymore. In the meantime,mins there a way to get her to come down from her self-imposed cross and stop the martyr act, it's tiresome.

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score 1 · Answer 1

Sometimes brothers play the marytr also. My oldest brother called me after ignoring me for years to say he hadn't forgotten me and called me on my birthday. Then he proceeded to say "if it makes you feel any better my family told me I should call you".... I asked him if he needed permission to call his sister... (this is from a brother who blacklisted me from his family... non of them have talked with me or included me in anything... births, etc.)... Sometimes, is just good to cut bait. It's become too late.

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score 1 · Answer 2

I'll speak for myself - when the posts are old, It's easy to miss!! I've done it beofre and I'll do it again. Especially when the events and emotions we all have make it seem like it all happened with us and our loved ones just yesterday!

Thanks, Jeanne...

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score 1 · Answer 3

Jeanne, I just noticed that there is now a date posted next to the original post.... wonder if this is something new the website is doing or have I been missing it lately. In the past I use to check out the first answer to see when an original post was first answered. I do like it when an original poster comes back to give an update :)

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score 0 · Answer 4

Sure, freqflyer, but it is not realistic to expect the original poster to answer or to benefit. :)

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score 1 · Answer 5

We can still learn from the older questions on this site :)

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score 1 · Answer 6

Everyone is aware that this question is more than a year old, right?

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score 2 · Answer 7

We need to try to remember that everyone doesn't have the same personality, thus they deal with things differently. Try to accept what they do and how they feel.

I am an only child, and all my life I wished I had a sibling as being an only can be very lonely.

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score 2 · Answer 8

"SIS...you can't make things better by doing every little thing you can think of for Mom as instantly as possible. I know you don;t want to feel guilty that you ever left one stone unturned to help Mom, but too much is too much and it is stressing us out AND making Mom think she is even worse off than she really is. Acting more normal and having your life go on and TRUSTING the rest of us to do things when you are away - even if its not exactly how you would do them - is going to be better for all of us."

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score 2 · Answer 9

They say that when a person analyses something it's 99% not what it is. I think it may be a mother/daughter 'thing' like Pam said (isn't she the 'only' daughter?). Perhaps your sister is afraid of loosing your mom and this is her way of dealing with it. All bitterness and good intentions aside (on both sides), I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I don't think people should stop talking 'forever' to their siblings, if things should present itself in a good light down the road (this is from one who has gone through the mill with her two brothers that never help with our mother or call me to see how I'm doing)...

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score 2 · Answer 10

She sounds to me as if she has some anxiety going on. This is her way to "whine" it out of her system onto you guys. I have several of these types in my family. Once they whine and complain it all out, they feel better and you feel like h*ll.

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score 2 · Answer 11

For my own situation, I'm considering saying something like "You know, you sound terribly burned out. This may be too much for you, so we're going to give you a complete break from all care-giving responsibilities. Thank you so much for all of your help. Now get some rest."
I'm sure there's no way she'll take you up on this, but maybe she'll quiet down for a while.

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score 2 · Answer 12

I have the same situation. And she actually has everyone in the family fooled. They think she is so great and we are not so great. But I refuse to play her 'suffering' game.' I don't think it helps Mom either. My sister's endless supposing of what COULD happen only gives my Mom more reasons to just wither away. I really wish a doctor would tell my Mom just how thankful she should be that she has the health that she does have. But my doom and gloom sister chooses to see ,my Mom's life as over. I make her play her game out. If Mom has an appointment, I say, 'I'll take her." Then she says, ' I can.' And I say, 'OK.' And I let her! You would think they would get tired of all of their giving. But the reward, of being so highly thought of, is her only joy in life. It's really sad.

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score 6 · Answer 13

I think we can all agree that sometimes family just sucks!

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score 1 · Answer 14

Clearly your mother has trained her to cater to every whim and expected the boys to be more independent. Try to get her to read about Co-Dependent relationships so she can break free from a vicious cycle.

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score 4 · Answer 15

What about "yessing" her to death? When she starts going on, agree with her. "Yes, Jane, you do everything. We know that, because you tell us so EVERY DAY!"

She probably won't change, because people don't. but try to figure out a way to respond so you won't feel so annoyed. Try humor, if possible. Good luck.

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score 5 · Answer 16

We called to tell her because if she found out mom was in the hospital and we didn't call there would be he'll to pay. But you got me thinking--maybe we are playing into it. In retrospect, not telling her then saying "we didn't want to ruin your vacation" would have been perfectly valid. Thanks!

I like the Idea of divvying up the chores. I prefer to shop once a week but my mom is one of those people convinced food spoils after a day so daily grocery runs will be needed--still, daily can mean DAILY and not 3x a day.

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score 0 · Answer 17

If she was on vacation how did she find out your mum had a fall?

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score 1 · Answer 18

Sorry, there is always one, but be thankful for the help even if you have to suffer thru the blather because for most of us...we are the only caregiver and bear the whole burden.

Here is a suggestion. Maybe make a list of all the responsibilities and divide up the days and care needs. Make assignments or volunteer (fairly) so that everyone pitches in. Gain joint agreement amongst sibs.

This should limit some of the woe is me blather and if she continues and other sibs feel similarly, be honest and tell her it bothers all of you and everyone is doing what they can and to please knock it off.

I'll bet she's always been this way growing up lol...

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score 5 · Answer 19

my sisters were such a drag during my mothers final months that i to could livec without ever seeing them again. the one whos never contributed anything was the one to show up at the atorney office demanding her share of a supposed 80 k that my moms home was worth. the atorney told her its worth only what someone would be wiling to pay for it which isnt much considering its a 25 yr old modular. banks wont lend on it, its worth essentially nothing. mmm-b**ches !!

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Sick of my martyr sister. The act is tiresome. How do we deal?

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