Elderly mother trying to regain our past close relationship.

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Labs4me Asked August 2013

Elderly mother trying to regain our past close relationship.

My mother who lives independently is a very emotionally needy codependent person. A long time ago we were very close, but things developed over the course of the years that caused a rift in our relationship. My mother cannot understand why we cannot have the relationship we use to have or how she could change to make our relationship closer. I don't want to be close to her because I never want to be used or taken avantage of ever again. I put up those emotional barriers to be able to continue having any relationship with her. I let those barriers down for a year after my stepfather died, but lo and behold her neediness came back stronger than ever and back up went the barriers. Why can't she accept what we have and leave it at that. I have not abandoned her and I try to help her with some of her needs. I just chose not be be emotional close to her for my own well being and I certainly don't need to explain myself to her over and over. Whatever we had is gone and cannot be regained. I was thinking about seeing her more often, but after that phone conversation about trying to get close again, I have decided no way, I will continue my safe distance and help when the need arises.

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score 0 · Answer 1

You need to do what is best for you. You're not neglecting your mother, and you'd be there in an emergency (I would think). But if she wants to smother you, you need to keep some boundaries. Be as kind as you can be, yet take care of yourself. This can be quite a balancing act, but you do have a right to protect yourself from being taken over by someone else - even a parent.
Take care,
Carol

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score 4 · Answer 2

One sister takes her shopping and does light house keeping. My mother gives her a small amount for the help which is fine. My sister is struggling financially so it helps both of them. My other sister does what she can when she visits and does her yearly taxes, she is an enrolled agent and lives far away. Me, I take her to all her medical appointments and other places she may need to go. Occasionally we go out to lunch. Living an hour's drive one way and working limits me to how much time I can devote to her needs. Just wish she would divide her emotional needs amongst my sisters and me then I wouldn't have had to estblish those boudaries.

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score 3 · Answer 3

Debralee.
It is the old "You'll be sorry when I am gone" refrain. Well I wasn't. I cried a lot but it was not for the mother I lost but for the one I never had. I was spared having to take care of her

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score 2 · Answer 4

I understand your feelings and I feel you are doing the right thing. I too have had to place some very strong boundaries when dealing with my mother. She too did some things to me that were unforgiveable. The difference between your mother and my mother is, my mother wants me to do for her but I should never expect anything from her.

I just talked to her this past weekend for the first time in six months. If I don't call her, I would not hear from her at all. However, when I talk to her I get an ear full of who has called "her", who has done for "her" and how no one cares anything about "her". Notice the common theme here, "her".

There is no way I will have a close relationship with mom. I have just realized I never ever had a close relationship in the first place.

So keep doing what you are doing to protect yourself. Only a person in your shoes can understand what you are going through.

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score 2 · Answer 5

Of course I would be there in an emergency. It is just trying to decipher if it is a true emergency or not. She is somewhat of a hyperchondriac and exaggerates her medical conditions.

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score 2 · Answer 6

Kudos to you for setting those boundaries.... and of course keep things as they are... it's working for you... you have set an awesome example for others with what you have done.... hope you come back and share how you did this..... I have healthy boundaries also, and they don't come easy.... so good for you..... stay strong.... thank you for posting !!!! Very encouraging...hugs

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score 1 · Answer 7

Debralee .. I admire you for setting those boundaries because it is a difficult thing to do, especially when it is your mother. You have done the right thing. Do you have siblings that help with your mum or are you an only child?

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score 1 · Answer 8

I agree you have found what works best for you-when I learned about distatchment it made tings easier with my late mother and I also decided her words lost their power over me-finally-your example will help others to find what works for them.

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score 1 · Answer 9

That phone conversation with my mother has affected me more than I realized. I cannot seem to shake this doom and gloom feeling. I have knots in my stomach thinking about it. It is not guilt I feel, but fear. I am seriously thinking of declining from being her DPOA and letting my sister take it over as the secondary. I don't want to take the responsibility of making decisions for her if that time comes. She is adamant about staying in her own home until she dies. I do not have the emotional energy to have to deal with that situation. I am tired of her turning to me with her constant complaints and negativity. I have recommended she seek counseling, but she ignored it. This woman is an emotional vampire and I do not wish to be her mother of advice. Yes, I could tell her all this, but she would just end up crying and say she is old and scared and then I would really feel horrible. I was raised to respect my elders and be compassionate toward them. It is DAMN hard to when it comes to my mother, but so far I have managed, unfortunately at my emotional expense. Feel like moving to Pluto! LOL...

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score 1 · Answer 10

Debralee, .. I just had a thought. What about splitting the POA duties with your sister? You deal with all the financial aspects of your mother's life and let your sister deal with her physical and emotional care, that way neither you or your sister will have the full load. Do you think that would work?

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Elderly mother trying to regain our past close relationship.

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