I'm alone caring for my 90 yr. old Mother. I can no longer communicate rationally. What do I do? Argue?

Take a deep breath...you are so stressed with all the changes in your life.
Please don't argue with mom...been there, it will do no good and increase your stress and frustration and simply frustrate mom. If she is beginning to have dementia or go genitive impairment, you can't reason with her. I've been there, fought to make her like " she used to be" and tried to set her or the story straight.

Well, I came here and educated myself, read some books, and know she can't help it. Books and video made me realize how hard this is on her to keep it together and how day to day managing is a constant struggle. It took me a long time, but I'm working on being more patient and compassionate.

I don't live with my 90 yr old mother, but I do try to make sure I'm rested and prepare my frame of mind to be with her so I don't lash out. Yes, she gets confused, lies, paranoia, accusatory, hallucinatory and it frustrates me...but I've learned to let go and learned the most valuable tool, which is when it gets too much to just leave the room or walk outside and compose myself then redirect her by having her join me for a walk or a cup of tea on the patio or take a drive. I take drive her by her favorite haunts and she has a moment of lucidity to remember someone's house, a store, the old library, farm etc and this brings some peace.

Give yourself permission to be angry to be left with this burden on your own, but don't direct at mom. Really, she can't help it.

You need some support though. Please reach out to a friend or caregiver group that you can vent to. Consider hiring some outside help or taking mom to respite care so you can have a small vacation or break. It is an investment in you and your physical and mental health so you can give her the care you would like to be able to.

I pray you can find your strength.

Sandy, I know what you are going through. My mother picks arguments. If I say something, she'll take the opposite view just to be contrary. I can't talk to her without arguing with her, so often I have to leave the room. She is determined to start arguments. I think she likes them, because she knows she wins them by default -- I refuse to argue most stuff. I don't know why she does it, but she does. It makes life so unpleasant.

Mine has only accused me of stealing once, but she blames me for everything else in the world. She'll bend and twist things so that everything is my fault. I don't know why she does that, either. Nothing is gained except slowly killing the spirit in me.

My mother was finally diagnosed with dementia today. We hope it doesn't progress quickly. I would like to blame the dementia for the meanness I experience around here, but the meanness is nothing new. I think the meanness comes from a deep core of unhappiness in her that has overshadowed her life. She never dealt with it. I have the feeling that the verbal abuse of her children was her way of dealing. If she is never content with anything, it must be the fault of everyone around her.

I agree with what everyone wrote about taking some respite. You need to be able to deal with the loss of your husband without having a badger working at you. I have a feeling that your mother must have some dementia not to feel empathy with your loss. Take some time for yourself and try to heal some of the wounds. ((((Sandy51))))

Hi sandy ive been here its hell she told my sister that I was stealing money from her? that she was afraid of me? that im never here and shes left alone all the time? all lies of course BUT shes ill the fact that my sister believed her was the worst part and I will be having this out with her when mum passes you can forgive but you cannot forget!

Anyway the way i dealt with it was i called the district nurse and social worker straight away i thought gosh if my sister believed this then who else will? Was asked if i could live somewhere else as they know the stress didnt find that helpful at all what walk out an old lady with dementia? I suppose they were thinking of my mental state but it just wasnt a solution but at least it was reported to them. A nurse came out then and recommended a geriatrician and my mum is being evaluated just now.

When my mum would go "nutty" and start rows I would leave and come back im lucky to have a friend down the road who understands as her mum died from als. Or if you just leave the room and have a bath i find helps me. My mum went into a deep depression ten years ago after her brother died its been downhill from that.
I feel sorry that you have this and your own grief to deal with I just cant imagine how anyone copes.
Get a nurse to call and have her evaluated and dont forget this is an illness they dont mean what they say they do become funny with money as my mum is at this right now my doc said dont even try to reason or argue there is no point they cant reason.
hugs

Sandy,
You are not alone and you can still communicate rationally, you just did. There is a whole family of caring people out here in cyberspace ready with help and advice. Once you have dealt with mothers health issues a stay in a nursing home even for a little while will give you the respite you need. You need time to grieve your losses and decide what is best for you and your mother. how is your health? would you like to go back to work even part time. do you want to stay in your home or move to somewhere more convenient even if there is no room for Mom.. Remember this is not about you it is about her, you have done nothing wrong. Try and stay neutral and not argue, there is nothing you or she can do about her mental state. This is not the Mom who loved and raised you. she is a different person but one you have responsibility for to see she is properly cared for in a safe place. Hard decisions have to be made before they make you so ill it is out of your control. You are not old but at an age when things begin to happen, who would care for you? make sure mom is safe and then reach out to the world you deserve it.

I'm passing along what I saw on another thread - thanks Bookluvr. Look up Teepa Snow on YouTube and start watching her videos on Alzheimers and dementia. She makes so much sense and will help you understand how to better interact with your mom. She's got a 6-part video and then some others. She's sooo wise and helpful.

You've had a number of losses and have shouldered a lot in your life. Maybe it's time to call in some reinforcements and get your mom into a facility that can deal with her cognitive issues. You need to take care of yourself for a change. Hugs to you...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know from my own experience how difficult it is dealing with these types of problems when you are alone. We always second guess our decisions and choices.
Is there any chance to get her into a care facility so you can have your life back? Also.. another thing that I just thought of, does your mum drink enough fluid (water, juices), because dehydration can make people act crazy/paranoid etc. Please let us know what you decide!

Im praying for you and your mother. My father got that way when he was having an infection, or put on medications that didnt agree with him. Might want to get her to a doc and you definitely need a break.

See if you can go to a medical appointment, preferably a geriatrician, together, with a heads up to them that she seems to have delusions. They might be able help sort out her issues, e.g. cognition versus depression, and make sure she is not in pain or having an infection or other medical issue which can make her thinking even worse. The crazy accusations come from someone who can't reason out what really might be causing things to go missing, or what really might be wrong, when all they know is *something* is wrong. From her perspective, surely, it can't be anything to do with HER, personally, just because she's 90, can it? :-)

If they have social work and/or psychology available like some of the better geriatric eval places do, they can spend time with you for support and ideas of how to cope or any other alternatives for care. It is not hopless, though it is also not easy, and it is not your fault...the only thing that *might* be hopeless is expecting Mom to be able to become truly and fully reasonable again. Medication, if there is something appropriate to try, may take the edge off though it won't fix everything.

Oh, my, you need help real soon. The false accusations are part of dementia and she should have a good workup with a neurologist. He may be able to prescribe medications to help her, like anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. You are burned out for very understandable reasons and need to get away for a bit. Get her to respite care asap if there is one open near you.