My brother and I are at wits end. Mom had 2 strokes after Dad died (13 yrs ago). She shows signs of dementia with **severe** delusions, but whatever non-sophisticated test her doc uses is not showing any problems.
I don't want to take her car away because she lives in a small community where she goes to the grocery store, doc, and hairdresser--and is self-sufficient. Recently, she followed me on a 2.5 hr drive (which took 4.5 hrs because she drives so slowly) and I witnessed how terrible her night vision is because she missed a turn THREE times even tho she could see my tail lights where she needed to turn. Two days later, she drove home by herself, making a 3-hr drive into (6) SIX HOURS!
Now she thinks she's ok to drive to a neighboring state (6-hr drive for normal folks) for Thanksgiving, which I'm afraid will mean 12 hrs for her. She's convinced since she drove 6 hrs that she can make the 6-hr drive to see her SIL. We cannot make her see that she's not thinking this through rationally. We're afraid that she will have to drive in the dark during some of that travel....and that's not acceptable for us.
She wants me to go with her, but that's HER dream....not mine. Oh--did I mention she's also narcissistic? I've had it with her trying to control me and destroy my holiday time with my own family. I am NOT going with her. My brother thinks he can talk her out of it, but if she doesn't have proper reasoning skills, how do you think he will do???
I've seen some really good advice on here and hope you can help me. Thanks.
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Who is caring for your Mother? She needs a caregiver.
Your mother's also the same as mine regarding money, only mine has far more expensive tastes (long story). If there's any way you could be put in charge of her finances, letting her have some pin money, that might help. but that is just one more responsibility for you that you probably don't need.
I'm just sad and startled that your mother would attack you like that; and there probably isn't much authorities can do in family disputes. I hope you've kept your brothers and uncle up to date on this, they should help too.
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I fear in general you may need to talk to the DMV about this, if your mother's driving is that hazardous. How willing is she to taking a driving test?
I heard on Dear Abby an unusual solution: the mother sold her car and used the money to hire a taxi for so many hours each month. The money that would have gone to gas, insurance, etc, went to taxi fares, and actually worked out fairly well.Don't know if this would work in your case, but it's a thought.
I don't blame you for wanting to avoid a trip with a narcissist.
She will probably not get the treatment/assistance she needs until she hurts herself or someone else, and is hospitalized. She will probably never "agree" to get help because she "doesn't need any help."
Try again with her doctor. Send him a long letter listing her behavior as calmly and matter-of-factly as possible. Give every example you can. Explain to him that he might be liable if she hurts someone and he chose to do nothing to prevent it.
Good luck!
Is it feasible for her to fly? Can someone drop her off and pick her up at the airport?
I respect you have your holiday plans, but can she be driven to SILhouse the prior week and be picked up later? Can this be worked around your or another volunteer drivers schedule.
Have you reached out to the doctors to have her license revoked?
Honestly, you may not be able to stop her.
You may get through the current issue but the greater issue is going to be unavoidable...this is not about her stealing your precious time with your family, this is about saving Mom from herself and averting any more tragedy than has already happened. This can be considered a crisis, an emergency...and time to have the family meeting, pool resources, gather documentation, and get an eldercare attorney involved. I am guessing from what you have written so far that there is no POA in place. The expense of getting that, getting it activated and/or guardianship proceedings may be substantial but the expense of not doing it could be catastrophic. Yes, she will be angry, but so is a toddler who is restrained from doing something they want to do but can't. You are on the right track even though so far the people who are supposed to help have let you down. It is unfortunately possible, because the system errs on the side of preserving peole's rights to choose, that you will not have relief until something worse happens but please don't hesitate to go further just because Mom will be upset. Her upset and anger and grief are unavoidable. They are not your fault. She will either adjust to new realities well or badly, but they are the realities. I wish this was easier to deal with, let alone easier to recognize and accept in your own parent...
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