Is it better to just stay away for a while?

Hi Popstark,
This is one of those questions where there's no "right" answer. Since you haven't been to see her for a week, I'd visit soon. If she wonders why you haven't been around, calmly say that she is treating you poorly so you must visit less frequently.

If her behavior is completely beyond her control, then you'll have to understand that and go as often as you can handle it. But she may have some ability to control herself so that is worth a try. Just be kind about it.

I do think the social worker is right in asking the psychiatrist to review her meds, the dosages, etc. There could be a medication that is making her harder to get along with. There are some that do make some people very testy.

If there's nothing that can be done with your mother's treatment of you, you'll have to do what you can. See her as often as you are able without a lot of damage to yourself, and then try to let go of the guilt. You can't allow yourself to suffer constant abuse.
Take care,
Carol

If your mom doesn't seem to derive any pleasure or gratitude from your visit and just uses the time to berate you and use you as a verbal punching bag, what good is your visit really doing, other than to ease your own feeling of guilt? I know that's harsh, but if your mom's always been this way (and you say she has been) then I think you can be a loving, caring daughter by seeing that her doctors take good care of her in the facility and that her needs are met that way. Stay out of the line of her fire as much as you can. Visit for short periods (once a week seems about right to me) and when she starts in, leave. And most importantly, get some counseling so that you can accept that you haven't had a loving mother and that it has nothing to do with you. That's a big loss to be able to accept and grieve...{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}} to you.

I felt bad reading your issue. I can't help but think your Mom is severly depressed (understandable) and angry to find herself old and unable to care for herself. I may not be right, but being the daughter of a very independant mother, that is now gone, but I know her not being able to care for herself would make her miserable. Her anger is displaced and is directed at the one person closest to her that is trying to help. I agree her meds need to be reviewed, a psych evaluation needs to occur. Perhaps if the NH helps releive the anger and depression, she can channel it more effectively and stop directing it toward the only person trying to maintain her good quality of life. I wish you well with this. It's a tough situation you're in.

Was your Mom ever sweet, or is this her dementia?

Mom always had an edge to her... and then she was diagnosed with dementia and as it progressed her filters went out the window and she would say REALLY horrible things that made me cry repeatedly. I learned to tell her: Mom, that is so rude. I do so much for you and you are really ungrateful. I love you but I won't subject myself to such comments. And then I'd walk away. Blubbering.

I prayed relentlessly for her..she was an agnostic her whole life and didn't believe she needed forgiveness for her sins... and one glorious day, she prayed with me and became a Christian. She literally has been totally, totally transformed and now smiles ALL the time and says the SWEETEST, SWEETEST things EVER. Seriously. EVERYONE notices!!! And my siblings who don't know the LORD are also amazed.

Bless you. Real change - inward change - is possible - through Jesus.

Mom has always gotten her way..from being a spoiled child to a spoiled wife. Even after her and dad divorced he still mowed her lawn and did all the maintenance at her home because he felt bad. Now she doesnt get her way..she wants out of the nursing home in the worst way. She tells me "they" told her to pack her stuff etc Which I know is not true. The saddest part is she is only 59 and I understand knowing your in a NH at the age is horrible, but her needs are far more than I could ever give having a family of my own and a full time job. I tried to care for her by bringing her to my home but it was too much..I was literally losing hair! It seems that the disease has just enhanced every single bad behavior or characteristic she has ever had. Where she would normally say bad things about me behind my back..she now says to my face. She is horrible to the staff as well. I think counseling is definately what i need and to move forward. I try so hard not to take things personal but I almost feel like her attacks are really how she feels she just voices it now.