She has accepted that she has to live with the pain and that she will for the rest of her life. Mom lives alone and has two caregivers, me and one from an agency. She has been treated with narcotics for the past year and recently was put on a 12 mcg fentanyl patch to accompany her vicoden. The 25 was too powerful. So she is having 9 on a scale of 10 pain and was told by an ER doc this week to up the vicoden to 4 a day. Today she told me she won't take the 4th pill because it makes her too groggy.
It's wearing on me being her caregiver because I hate to know she's in pain every day and has such poor quality of life. Most of the time, we can't leave the house to go out to eat because she's in too much pain.
I dont' have a clue now.
She also was told by her primary doc that she can have a glass of wine a day. Seriously???
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It is Mom's body, Mom's pain, Mom's decision of how much medication to take. Discuss it; give her your opinions, but respect her choices.
How does Mom do on a glass of wine a day? Does she have trouble stopping at one? Does she have any impairments from it? (Unsteady on her feet, for example?) If it doesn't seem to cause problems and her doctor says one glass is OK, I wouldn't be the bad guy and try to stop her. See what a new evaluation at a pain clinic suggests regarding alcohol.
One other thing I will risk mentioning - purely speculation and maybe entirely off-base. You say Mom has accepted that she will have pain all her life, and that sometimes she is in so much pain that you cannot leave the house even to go out to eat for a couple of hours? Any possibility (with all due respect), that she is maneuvering to keep you at home with her because she may not want to admit she is afraid to be home alone? If that is the case, it's another issue to deal with. Hope not.
The bottom line is she does not have to take anything she doesn't want to but must be prepared to endure the consequences if she does not make use of what is available.
I would change the doctors at this point.