How do I deal with a manipulative sibling?

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Iggie88 Asked September 2013

How do I deal with a manipulative sibling?

A year ago, my mother took sick after being on several strong meds for RA. Meds like muscles relaxers etc for a year. At the time, my older sidling was taking mom back and forth to the doctor and never shared anything with us about her health. I had expressed my concerns about the meds mom was on because she when from very activity to almost nothing at all in a very short time (6 months). One day she fell in the bathroom and and I could not get her on the phone. My other sibling went to the house and made enter. bottom line is she was so out of it because of the meds. she was taken to the hospital, and they found nothing wrong.

I took the meds and advice her PCP of it. he did not prescribe the drugs, but her RA doc did. All the while this is going on, my sister is trying to get PA for my mom so she can put her in a home. Because she had determined in her mind that mom had dementia. She wanted to control everything. We found out that she was prepping the doctor to put mom in a home, and he was not having it. she took all of moms clothes out of the house and took them to her house in preparations to send mom to a home. she argued and fought with us and said some really nasty things to and about us to anyone who would listen. she still does.

we changed RA doctors to one that is helping her condition, but I am afraid the meds have had a lasting affect on mom. she see her PCP regularly, but she has not been diagnosed as having dementia.

My mother is now 79. she still lives by herself, but my helpful siblings often stays with her at night.

My sister never came around much until a few year ago when she appointed her self as moms taxi to the doctor. mom told us that she could not talk to the doctor because my sister would tell him everything she had asked mom the night before. Basiclly mom had to sit in the appointments as if she was sick and could not talk for herself. This sibling had major control issues.

Both my self and another sibling have PA and MPA. Mom had this done once she started to feel a little better.

I feel in my heart that she will still try to fight us ever though she has not say so in moms care anymore. I handle moms financial things. for years she and her manipulative husband has plotted on how to get mom out of her mom and sell it.

She had acted in such rude way that she can not long go to appointments with us because of the accusations she makes again us to the staff.

I want to make sure we have all of our bases covered for mom. any advice would be helpful. Thanks

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score 0 · Answer 1

well I'm going to be consulting with a lawyer to protect myself and my mother because I do not trust them

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score 1 · Answer 2

Sounds like my sister. If you don't have POA and she does, run! Head for the hills, because your life is going to get a whole lot worse. I am in your shoes, only a while farther down the road than you, and am going nuts trying to unload from it. I was also doing all the things you are doing, and got totally screwed.

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score 0 · Answer 3

you have the clone to my older sister....she cant be bothered working together...3 years ago she tpand her husband went to visit different retirement homes to decide where to put our able bodied mother witbout her or I knowing then she tridd to arrange a lawyer she knew to reconstruct the estate....she took a tantrum when she was stopped but now claims I set her up to be the fall guy...now she is acting nice and complementary to our mother and tries to put our mother and I at odds whining she doesnt know what I have against her to our mother who pleads her case and places pity on my sister...I do the groceries doctor appointments and everything else while they try to undermine me....dysfunction at its finest so my approach now is to stay clear of her and ignore her childish behaviors

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score 1 · Answer 4

you have the clone to my older sister....she cant be bothered working together...3 years ago she tpand her husband went to visit different retirement homes to decide where to put our able bodied mother witbout her or I knowing then she tridd to arrange a lawyer she knew to reconstruct the estate....she took a tantrum when she was stopped but now claims I set her up to be the fall guy...now she is acting nice and complementary to our mother and tries to put our mother and I at odds whining she doesnt know what I have against her to our mother who pleads her case and places pity on my sister...I do the groceries doctor appointments and everything else while they try to undermine me....dysfunction at its finest so my approach now is to stay clear of her and ignore her childish behaviors

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score 0 · Answer 5

And by the way, some people here need to re-read the original post. This sister is not a main caregiver so some of these comments are just flat out wrong.

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score 0 · Answer 6

Change the locks. Give a key to the helpful siblings and exclude her. I feel for you - this is a team effort, and everyone has to park their ego at the door. When they don't it's a royal pain because there is just no place for it.

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score 0 · Answer 7

My goodness. My mom is 84 and in my opinion addicted to prescription meds some of which were for her arthritis. 7 children 5 girls 1 boy who is 60 . My mom appointed him PA after my dad died and an older sister trying to recover from breast cancer. Neither of them cares about the other siblings and right now mom is stable from a recent possible stroke in a nursing rehab. They come back n forth to the facility signing documents and try to set it up, in a very sly way for everyone else to come take care of mom 24 7 and whoever can't or doesn't, they bash them to the entire family. I am fourth norm 52 years and married with 3 grown kids and know more about my moms needs and wants. Been stayn at the facility with her sometimes 7 hrs. At a time. Control is horrible and others don't want to help out of fear of these 2 older siblings. My older sister even has been involving her son who is very disrespectful to mom and cousins in family meetings with staff and other personal matters. What a mess!

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score 1 · Answer 8

GrannySmith - be sure that the nursing home staff is aware of the friction between your dad and your brother. You can request that your brother not be allowed to visit your dad without another person present if you feel that your brother would upset your dad. Don't let your brother hassle you. You have POA so just do what you think is best, keep good financial records, and ignore your brother.

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score 0 · Answer 9

I'm kind of in a weird situation that parallels this in some ways. I have DPOA for my dad, who suddenly took ill in August after knee surgery, and now he has sepsis, very bad. His thoughts are scrambled often, he's been on an antibiotic IV and hospitalized for six weeks now. When he first got on the antibiotic his thoughts cleared for about a week, he told me to not tell my brother, I knew why, they'd had a very bad fight, brother flat out was asking for money, a large sum, said he was entitled to it for all the help he gave dad over the years, dad ran him off, told him to not come back. He'd been wanting to put dad in a nursing home, and dad was completely independent up until now. I have yet to tell my brother, me and my kids who are in their 30s agreed it was the best thing to do, he would just cause trouble and would make taking care of dad harder. The difficult thing now is at the end of this week my dad has to go into a nursing home, his thoughts are scrambled do to the infection, he can't walk or even set himself up, I can't lift him, and my kids work, I work part time. I feel so bad and angry over what has happened. I'm torn on if I should tell my brother at this point, he'll find out eventually, but I know when he does he'll go to the nursing home to harass dad because they don't get along, and because I have poa, he'll hassle me over anything, even if it means nothing and I've already had enough, lost my husband last year to cancer. It's hard to choose to write someone off like your brother, even though you know it's for the best.

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score 0 · Answer 10

Appreciate the feedback. Every family is different. However, being the sole caregiver with two brothers that play very good arm-chair quarterbacks, I have spoken from experience. I've been called every name in the book because it's easier for them to criticize than to get involved. P.S. There is a lot siblings can do, even if they are a thousand miles away. Perhaps, giving the "manipulative" sister specific tasks to "manage," all will be at peace in the family in question. Good luck to everyone.

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score 4 · Answer 11

Sorry, have to chime in here. I think we all have to remember that absolutely every family situation is different.

Some MAY have the POA and are the caregivers.

Some MAY have the POA and share the caregiving.

Some MAY have the POA and do NO caregiving.

So MAY have no POA and do NO caregiving.

I think the combinations are endless.

I am the POA and I do ALL the caregiving. I have not been told I am manipulative, but I have been told I am "bossy"! I had to laugh at that from a sibling who hadn't shown their face in 2.5 years. Well, I said, SOMEONE has to be bossy because otherwise they will be sitting in their own crap, no food, no meds, no anything! If you would like the be the boss, go right ahead!! LOL

So stressedMom, I'm not one that is manipulative for their own devices. I've given both siblings a chance to help out and an equal share of the tiny, tiny inheritance. I do it all and I expect nothing from them. Not now or in the future.

CureDementia - I hear ya!!

Iwentanon - I took care of all the financial and legal issues for my parents and literally everything else.. But because they did not plan for their future, their funds are low, Dad is on Medicaid and in a nursing home. Please don't think that "being in a NH" is a horrible thing. It is not. He's completely bedridden and has nasty, angry dementia. I wouldn't bring that into my home with teenagers and my self-medicating 84-yr old mother can't handle him so there he is.

He is safe; he is fed and he is cared for. We visit him several times a week and sit and look at pictures and I feed him and do his laundry. It is the best we can do given the circumstances.

So I guess that is what I am asking ALL of you. Allow people the opportunity to do the best they can. If there is real elderly abuse then shame on them and expose them and wish them a boil on their butt!! But every situation is different.

xo

-SS

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score 3 · Answer 12

we have dealt with this issue
and in spite of the siblings
who gave themselves POA
over money and health
our report of abuses were filed
with the senior abuse hotline,
think it ends there?

No!
They countered and claimed, we were the abusers.

Alls well that ends well...

She(86 year old) is living with us and we take care of her,
she may not be in her original (home was her two flat, that we shared,
because of the false allegation I was told to move out, so she could return,
but she never returned, with her only full-time caregiver removed,
they were able to sell her home, because they had put her in a nursing home,
where she never wanted to be, so she was not in her home to protest,
she wanted, "to be carried out like her husband") home, but she is where she wants to be"not in a nursing home".

She is not in a nursing home,
she is living with us and although
she can not remember the lunch she just ate,
she knows home is anywhere we are.

Her siblings were just stressed out people,
whose power went straight to their heads,
thought the power should be there's,
and were not her actual caregivers.
They were naive in thinking,
in so many ways, and thought, that dementia care could be managed and directed by phone,35 miles away....

(I took her to the doctors,
had her diagnosed with dementia,
three years earlier, gave her meds,
made sure she had a clean home,
provided companionship
and three squares a day).

They "thought" because they held the power,
they were the caregivers,
but did not know what to do with all "their power",
once they gave it to themselves.

She now has a court appointed guardian,
a bank to control her money,
us as caregivers,
and they (the bullies) are on the outside,
looking in, wondering what happened.

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score 4 · Answer 13

@ CureDementia,, That is not so in all cases!! There are those who "manipulate" to their own devious devises. I am speaking from experience, in my case. And it is offensive to those of us who "have to pick up the pieces" that the manipulative one has torn apart. And also in my case, we had to do the leg work, paperwork both Legal and Financial, after the "manipulative one" mired it up so badly! No..., it is NOT the "manipulative one" who takes the responsibility...! It is the "HONEST and RESPONSIBLE one" who does take the reins and helps put things right!! And also , I have never seen someone who is manipulative be helpful??!

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score 1 · Answer 14

Thanks, SelfishSiblings. We have tried to a have a sit down meeting with her but she is not willing to do that. There are a lot of issues going on with her. She does not talk to me or the other sibling that has POA.

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score 0 · Answer 15

Iggie,
If that is the case and all share in teh care giving, and everyone is still talking to each other, I would recommend a family meeting of the siblings to put the cards on the table. Have it in a mutually agreed upon place. Might want to do that before hotter heads prevail.

Good luck!

-SS

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score 3 · Answer 16

Good Morning. Sorry if I was not clear. I have never dealt with anything like this so yes I do worry and wonder if my siblings and I have covered all the basis. We all help out and Yes I am very active in that role.

CureDementia, I understand what you are saying, but that is not the case in this situation.

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score 6 · Answer 17

This might sound harsh, but the intent is to send a message to those who complain that their siblings are control freaks, when in-fact, they are the lonesome, bewildered, stress-out caregivers. The manipulative sibling is usually the one doing all of the work. She makes often makes mistakes because she is not a doctor, but she learns as she goes. The manipulative sibling takes charge because NO ONE else offers to share the responsibility. The manipulative caregiver is often bewildered by the harsh comments from their siblings; she wonders why they criticize, but never help; and she knows she must carry on, with or without their help. Think about it.

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score 0 · Answer 18

I'm having a hard time, too, understanding what the question is. Do make sure you have a lawyer on this as it sounds as though you will definitely have a problem with this sister. I have a sibling that does absolutely nothing. Hasn't seen our parents in well over a year. Causes trouble when they do come around. Already got their share of the inheritance, (we all got the same amount), but when Mom dies, I am SURE this sibling will sue me, for what, I have no idea. I have done 100% of the caring giving and our lawyer has helped me tremendously by making sure I am doing everything legally and documenting everything. Very important if you want to make sure you have all the bases covered, as you mentioned.

Anyway, my question to you is do you help out with Mom's care here or are you too far away?

xo

-SS

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score 1 · Answer 19

In my state at least there is something called voluntary legal guardianship. Since your mother is alert, with your assistance she can petition the court to make you her legal guardian. She can check off how much 'authority/power' she gives to you over her life. She can also rescind it at any time. But it is a way to protect your mother from those who don't have her best interest at heart. And it is legal and binding. All it will cost is court filing fees.

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score 6 · Answer 20

Perhaps somewhere between the lines lurks a hope the sister will change. Don't hold your breath.

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score 11 · Answer 21

I had difficulty understanding what you are trying to say and what your question is. With the POA and MPOA (power of attorney and medical power of attorney) in place and you are handling your mother's finances, and she does not have dementia, then she can stay in her home and have help come in if you and your siblings are unavailable. As for the manipulative sibling, you have the power to restrict access to your mother and I would caution her if anything is missing from your mother's home, you can force her to get it back. Family siblings are never chosen, they are forced upon you. Some you will keep, some you will hate to be around, and some you simply never speak to, which is the best revenge. Silence is golden! Don't worry so much. You have things handled.

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score 1 · Answer 22

It is a very sad situation when a family member makes a such a terrible mess of things and insists on being in control. Your mother has made her choice for POA with sound mind and judgement and that should be enough. You could hold a family meeting with all siblings air out the differences and put all the cards on the table. This is all of your concern as she is all of your mother. If one does not want to comply then you have no other alternative but to put stipulations on her visits for your mother's safety. This is not a new thing to have one or more just being totally greedy it tends to happen in the best of families, but before you wage war on anyone you should all try to come to an understanding so there is no resentment later on. It is much easier to concentrate on mom when everyone is working together. Best of luck to you and your family.

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score 1 · Answer 23

Discuss this with the lawyer that set up your POA's. In case she does try to get POA for herself, make sure the financial records are in order. Check with her doctors to be sure they will support you because you are taking good care of her.

Good luck.

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score 2 · Answer 24

It seems to me that if your mom is mentally sound and has family members that take turns helping out, then yes, by all means she should stay in her home if that's what she wants to do. I mean, why not? It sounds like your mom is in good hands. I can't imagine what your sisters issue is with the status quo. Your mom is being helped, with or without her, so I'm not really understanding her point of view, or her problem with it... but whatever... Your mom gave YOU and your sibling POA. That's all you need to know. You can tell your sister to get bent if it pleases you. If you think she's no good for your mother's mental well being, keep her visits and conversations few and short. You don't have to deal with her at all if you don't want to.

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How do I deal with a manipulative sibling?

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