This question occured to me while reading other posts. I see so many scenarios where an elder is taken care of by daughter, son. (doesnt' really matter for this). Some other conniving scheming relative maneuvers to remove said elder, takes over finances, confiscates policies, etc, and get them signed over, namely they get ALL the elders money, assets, etc.
Then, when they have either blown it all, or stolen it all, dump the elder back on the doorstep of the original caregiver with no warning, and when the original caregiver is out? (or even home for that matter).
Legalities??
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Besides if sis or bro do throw a hissy fits about anything - I've got a few things I've save in my "hidden arsenal" so to speak, that I can bring up. Letters mom wrote, but never mailed... Mom said she wanted to change her will after being "dumped" on us but we never "got around" to taking her to an atty for this... etc So as long as they behave themselves, we'll get along.
Thanks for the advice & alert!
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Taking bets that some sort of stink will be raised: sis will think she deserves more than she should. (based on reading other posts around here and personal experience).
We had actually wanted her here to start with - but needed to make preparations, - wanted to add a room on, for her, etc.... yeah - I use the words "dumped on us". It was rough go for a while, especially since Mom thought I was in on the conspiracy of getting her out here. She lasted almost 13 months & passed this past Monday with cardiac arrest while at the eye Dr's.
Now I am making service arrangements around sis's upcoming scheduled cancun cruise! Unbelievable!
We're going ok, & glad we stuck through it all, altho we did have quite a few rough spots along the way. It actually got easier as the months went by. It was mostly my dealing with my own "issues" from way back... So have no regrets.
1st of all is find help for your mom. Elder Services is available in all states. They can be a resource. Honor your mom by protecting her.
Wanted to say I did have a MIL sent to my home by a daughter. She was only about 47 and her son told her she had to figure out how to make it on her own. She did. Spent her last years in a NH but if I'd stayed in the marriage I probably would have been caring for her. Whew! (didn't like her). I hope your scenario never comes to your door, but as noted before, prepare in advance for these possibilitys. (or encourage someone you trust to do it).
however, I have a tendency to 'think out' situations that are hypothetical and damned if eventually I don't read about it actually happening. .(hey, some years back there was some big story about some guy in a wheelchair who was dumped at a hospital entrance or something like that: it is long ago enough I don't recall the details)
what I asked is hypothetical if anyone had had that happen.
Now, if 1st caregiver did have PDOA based on parent's mental state, then the only way for the "schemer" to get control of the assets was either through the courts by proving the original DPOA/caregiver unfit or by down right fraud. If they did it legally through the courts, and the original caregiver can afford to and has the proof, they can take the second caregiver/DPOA back to court to try and get DPOA returned to them - but it's usually a he-said-she-said kind of thing and only if it's blatant abuse of the DPOA would the judge overturn the judgment. More likely, since 2nd proved 1st incompetent or greedy, then 1st went back and proved same of 2nd, the judge would appoint a patient advocate as the DPOA and both 1st and 2nd would lose what was left as well as any rights to choose how parent was cared for. Of course, if 2nd gains DPOA fraudulently, the legalities range from petty theft to grand larceny, fraud, possible abuse and neglect charges and a host of other charges. 2nd could go to jail, but the money's gone, and really no way to recoup it.
That's why I always recommend that when a parent begins to show signs of needing long-term care, all the siblings, spouse and parent involved should sit down with an Elder Care Lawyer and get everyone's responsibilities in writing. Decide who the DPOA is as a group, and appoint others as the watchdog. They should also be able to 'drop in" on the caregiver to check on their parent. Though this is a huge imposition on the caregiver's life, and it's already upside down just from taking on this burden, it's necessary. And, all siblings should know they have to PAY the sibling taking care of the parent and help with the parent's other costs as well, like medication and doctor fees, clothing, gas for getting to and from doctor appts, etc. They should also know that one weekend a month they have to become the caregiver to give the primary caregiver a break. They should also know that they need to PAY for the primary caregiver's family to have two week long vacations a year to keep from burning out. And they should also be prepared if the primary caregiver has children, to come over and sit with the parent when primary's children have special occasions like a soccer game or are in a school play. The burden/gift of taking care of one's parent should never be dumped on one sibling, it should be shared among all of them, EQUALLY. Which means if a sibling lives out of town and can't do the drop bys and relief weekends and cover special events, they need to open their wallet WIDE.
Keep in mind, a sitter costs anywhere from $10-$50 an hour and the primary is doing this 24/365. Nursing homes cost anywhere from $4,000.00 to $15,000.00 a month, so giving the primary a break, covering the expenses your parent has added to their life is mandatory, such as food, clothing, medicines, doctors bills, etc. should be covered by the remaining siblings since the primary caregiver can no longer work and earn a living, some small wage needs to be mandated as well. Remember, it's far cheaper to pay the primary a 40-hour minimum wage salary (or even just $500 a month) and provide the above list of "breaks" and "financial expenditures" than it is to fork over $4,000 a month to a Nursing Home and still have to pay extra for the parent's clothes, medicines, doctors fees, medical tests, laundry, toiletries, etc. Keep in mind, if the parent wants cable and a phone, those fees are NOT included in the Nursing Homes fees either.
Good luck with your situtaion, keep us posted, please