What do I do about siblings who come in after 2 years and think they know better?

Hi AndreaAnn,
It's unfortunately very common for siblings to disagree on parent care. It's even more common for them not to "get it" when one sibling does all of the work.
In the end, only you can decide what is more stressful - going along with them or fighting them.

You may want to read this Agingcare article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/sibling-disputes-about-elderly-parents-care-134376.htm

It may help, if only to let you know that you're in good company.
Take care,
Carol

Andrea, I agree with Nancy. I know it is hard for you to give up control even for a little while, when you have learned from 2 years experience what works best for your Mom. However - you have recognized and acknowledged your need for a break, and your sister who "doesn't get it" will be "getting it" soon after you walk out the door. Maybe you want some sympathy and a few pats on the back from your sister, but don't count on her acknowledging you at this point in time. The likelihood is that you will receive that kind of recognition from her AFTER you return from your vacation. My suggestion is that you write down your daily care routine for Mom - everything - and just hand it over to your Sis. She will probably follow it for lack of knowing how to manage at the outset. However, she may find other ways (easier for her), or maybe make some adjustments/improvements that you never thought of. So please, be thankful that your Sis was willing to come and give you this break that you so sorely need. You need to give up the control and worrying while you are away. Just enjoy yourself and try to put the whole caregiving drama out of your mind - that's the purpose of respite! As Nancy mentioned, nobody is going to kill your Mom. She will live through it and so will you. When you come back, I'm sure your sister will have gained a real appreciation for what you have been doing and going through for Mom in the past, and perhaps this will be an opportunity to forge a spirit of cooperation and collaboration with her the for the future. Go relax, and best wishes for a happy outcome.

I don't understand, you want some relief and you have a sibling that wants to step in for you, but you ONLY want her to visit? What exactly are you wanting her to do? Sounds like she wants to take mom off your hands so you can take a break, but because you don't think she'll do it exactly like you do it, you don't want her to? If that's the case, you need to relinquish control and let your sister take over HER way while she even wants to. Either you'll learn that maybe your way isn't the only way, or your sister will come around to your way of thinking. She's not gonna kill your mother by doing things different than you've been doing all this time. And don't micromanage her sister when you're on respite, Be happy, take a break.

Andrea, something else just occurred to me. Your sister is finally going to get a first hand taste of what it is like with full-time elder care, and most likely will end up feeling some empathy for your situation. If so, I would take that as an opportunity with her 'on your side now' to call a family meeting of all the siblings to see if you all can divide up some of the caregiving responsibilities that everyone can feel comfortable with. I hope this will be a real, rather than imaginary, scenario for your sake.

Sorry why havnt you got POA or Guardianship? Why is your sister finally coming to help out? All i will say is thread carefully my sis who hasnt even called my mum in over a year has called to say she wants to visit? I am on eggshells and dont trust her my mum is very vunerable and lucky we decided as family that she is not to be with my mum on her own as she will try and manipulate herself into my mums will and that aint going to happen on my watch. My siblings have almost driven me to a breakdown and when mum dies I never want them around me ever again. Of course you need a break and great shes offered to help but please try and sort out some sort of POA with your mum. I always thought that when my other sis was here she would see what my life is like but she didnt she just got her plane back to paris and was as much help as a chocolate teapot! You dont need to prove how difficult your life is they damn well know it, thats why they are not around helping because they do not want to and as long as us suckers with the hearts and compassion are here they will continue to bury their heads and PRETEND to not understand.

I really hope you can let go and have a great break and relax but dont expect your sister to be kissing your feet when you return she will be at the door with her bags packed!
If my siblings dont come up with a solution to mum when shes properly diagnosed IM OFF DONE this is not easy for one person to deal with and I cant do this on my own anymore.

AndreaAnn, I too- am a care giver with only one non supportive sibling-so I understand your situation. My husband and I are working on a family meeting in hopes we can distribute some of the load. Sending happy thoughts your way and wishes that you find some relief soon, you deserve a break. Just know that you are doing the right thing.

Wow! Here I thought that I was the only one with siblings like that. Mine actually get mad and offended if I dare ask for some respite care! And they try to make me feel weak for not being able to "take it " anymore. I have been caregiving for 18 years!!! They have never gotten it because they don't want to do the work.

Orangeblossom - you are spot-on!

I liked the first answer on this question. It helped. Without going into detail I stated these siblings have caused stress in the past. It has nothing to do with control. My mom has dementia and is hard for me already without the siblings bringing in their baggage.