I hope this is the right place to post this. My MIL lives just about 50 feet from us. She's never had a sense of boundaries even before the dementia set in. We grew tired of her always being in our business, dropping in whenever she felt like it, trying to take over our kids, walking in uninvited, etc. So my dh finally set some boundaries. One thing she still is doing, that he has told her more than once to stop, is she'll call every time he's off work asking if he's sick. He's a grown man and feels that she is treating him like a child. She did this a couple of days ago when he took off for a dr appointment. We didn't answer the phone. But that night when I brought her medicine to her, she felt the need to ask me. I brushed off the question. The next night she asked again. I told her he's a grown man, if he's sick I'm more than capable of taking care of him and if we need help we'll ask.
She tried to justify it saying that one day I'll understand when my kids are grown that they're never too old for you to worry, etc. I told her my mother doesn't do that, she knows if something's seriously wrong we'll let her know. In other words she treats me like an adult and she has ever since I became an adult. She said we live right by her so she sees that he goes to work every day and when he doesn't she wants to know what's going on. I get that she's still his mother no matter how old he is but he is a grown man. A married grown man. Being his mother does not give her a free pass to be in our business. I'm not very good at dealing with things like this on the spot. How should I have dealt with it? Should dh have another talk with her about respecting us as adults and respecting our boundaries? Her dementia is not so bad that she doesn't understand what she's doing. This is nothing new. We've had to enforce boundaries before but now it's a bit trickier since she needs help with things now like her medicine, her money, and she can't drive anymore. Before we could just avoid contact. Now what?
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If your husband can gently tell her (repeatedly is necessary) that he understands her need to worry but that it's not healthy for an adult to have his mother involved so closely in his life, she may back off for a time. Yet the problem won’t end.
The saying goes that you can't change other people - you can only change how you react to them. Try to get to a point where you can basically not react to her interference. This won't be easy, but if you don't this will be a continual irritant.
She’s lonely, she’s snoopy, but she’s his mother. Know that this is how she’ll act, don’t buy into it by arguing - just say that you’ll let her know if there’s anything serious happening, and then try feeding her some little scraps of information about your lives, as well.
Perhaps you can make this situation a bit more comfortable if you compromise. Include her but don’t let her run your lives. Finding a balance is often what we need to solve problems.
Pick your battles.
She wants to butt into how you discipline your children? Shut the gate on that boundary fast!
She wants to know why her son didn't go to work? Hey, what can it hurt to give her a civil answer? "No, I'm not sick, Mom. Thanks for caring. I just had something to take care of." "I just had a vacation day I had to use up." "I felt a little under the weather when I woke up, but I'm doing fine now."
If there is a history of her meddling and not letting go of her adult son I can understand why you both are a little over-sensitive. But with her developing dementia there will be so many really critical issues to deal with, try not to elevate trivial concerns to Big Deals now.
I like kazzaa's suggestion to start looking for Adult Day Heath centers and/or senior centers that she could attend a day or two a week. These can function as social clubs and provide something interesting to do and a change of scenery.
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I'd try to show compassion for her and just let her know hubby is OK. Don't go into great detail, but ease her fears that something is wrong. I know it's hard, but with her Alzheimers, I think you have to cut her some slack. My mom asks me the same questions over and over again and believe me, it gets annoying. Sometimes I snap and tell her she's already asked me that 5X, but I try to just answer her in a loving way. She's not doing it on purpose, her brain isn't working right. I'd say the same thing about your MIL.
You want her not to ask. That is probably never going to happen. Soon she will call 10 times in a row with the same question. It will not get any better. You and DH need to change your interpretation of events to give yourself peace.
DH wants to be treated like a grown man. How old is he, 50? He KNOWS he's a grown man. His mother sticking her nose into his business doesn't change that.
When she sticks her nose in, it's because she is lonely and anxious, not because she thinks he's still a little boy. I understand that this pushes y'all's buttons, but try to disconnect those buttons. When you start to get angry, stop, breathe, and say to yourself, "She's a pathetic, frightened old woman. Am I going to let her spoil my day?"
In the moment, maybe tell her, "Oh, you're so sweet to worry. He's fine. Did I tell you what the neighbor told me last week?" and go on with some story. In another family, this behavior would be totally OK. Try to make it be OK in your family, and then everyone will be happier. You don't have to tell her your business, but tell her everything you can that isn't too personal. She is a pathetic, lonely, frightened old woman.
I know from the outside what it's like to have a toxic parent. I know this sort of thing drives you out of your minds. I hope it's possible for you both to rewrite things so it doesn't drive you crazy.
Are there any day centres around she could go to take her mind off you and her son?
My mum wants to know too much about me and my business but I live with her so cant hide much!
I wish I had a solution for you but my Mom lives with me. The only saving grace is it's an attached in law so she does have her own space..but she is constantly walking around my house and noseying around...