When is enough, enough in this situation?

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M

meohmy Asked September 2013

When is enough, enough in this situation?

My brother-in-law has been looking after his brother for over 25 years. His brother had a stroke 25 years ago that took most of his speech and use of one side of his body. He is borderline diabetic and was recently told he has colon cancer. The doctor does not believe surgery is an option due to his current health issues. He lives in the same community as my sister and brother-in-law. My bil takes him to breakfast once a week and shopping, doctors, etc. The hard part is my bil is tired and getting depressed having this responsibility for so long. He has two other brothers (one deceased from colon cancer) and one that lives out of state and won't offer to help out at all because he and his wife took care of the parents until they passed on. The brother that he over see's won't cooperate with the caregiver that my bil hired to clean, etc. a few days a week. She gave her notice so they will try another caregiver that lives across the street. I think my bil should arrange to have his brother live in a care facility, especially now that he has cancer diagnosis. My bil should be able to live out his remaining years with my sister without this extra burden. I have to add and I'm sure it does not come as a surprise that if the situation was reversed the brother would not have taken care of my bil. So I guess I was wondering if anyone else has had this happen to them and what did they do?

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score 0 · Answer 1

Now at least your BIL will not feel like he has let his brother down. Hopefully he is at peace with this.

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score 0 · Answer 2

Sorry for your BIL's and your loss. I hope that your BIL knows that he did what he could and that while we are going through this most difficult journey of caregiving, our feelings, whatever they may be are not wrong. May God bless you and give you peace.

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score 0 · Answer 3

Just wanted to let you all know that my BIL's brother passed away at home while watching television. Thanks for all your support.

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score 2 · Answer 4

These are great answers written above. Your BIL is a saint for all that he has done for his brother for the past 25 years, he really is. I have been doing this for about 10 and I am at that stage of saying.."I can't take it anymore," so all I can say is he is amazing for hanging on and doing this for so long.

He needs to speak to someone if he isn't already to give him some relief from the depression and he may need some medication as well. He has to be willing to let go however and allow his brother to be placed into a facility. He can still go and visit him and spend time with him but he will not feel as burdened as he presently does.

He needs to be applauded and appreciated for what he has done and told that it is okay to let go now. He may or may not want to do this, but I am sure with time he and your sister will have a much better life together and able to enjoy themselves.

God Bless Him!!!

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score 3 · Answer 5

How far along is the colon cancer, rather what Stage is it? Are there other health issues other than the stroke, it sounds like there may be a lot going on here. Since it's inoperable due to BIL's health issues and therefore will be terminal, have you thought about Hospice Care? Hospice Care steps in at end-of-life situations, they give the patient tender, loving care, keep them pain free, and give them end-of-life dignity. Most Hospice Care is covered under insurance plans and in some places there is very little charge for the service. I used them for Mom in her last days and God Bless them, they were true Angels. I had cared for Mom alone (brother was useless) for 10 years in my home, and 15 years before that by checking on her three to four times a day. Hospice stepped in for the last few days and I just don't know what I would have done without them. My BIL used them for his cancer stricken son, and again, they made my nephew comfortable and he died in peace. Check into them for your sister & BIL, it might be the best "gift" you could "give" them - peace of mind and a helping hand. God Bless YOU for caring and GOD BLESS your sister and BIL for what they've done, you are all Angels.

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score 6 · Answer 6

It is time to find a good facility within a reasonable distance of the family that wants to visit him. BIL should continue to care for his brother by visiting often, keeping an eye on the situation, and being his advocate. I can't stress enough how important it is for someone in a care center to have an advocate. This is not an insignificant role. But BIL can fill that role and begin once again to live his own life.

I don't know how much influence you have, but if BIL had posted asking for advice, I'd agree with StandingAlone -- it is time for an appropriate care center.

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score 9 · Answer 7

Being a care taker is a good thing, a wonderful thing, a generous act of goodwill. But not if it's killing you. Your brother deserves the break and a vacation of a life time. He deserves to live his own life, too, in peace, doing the things that bring him happiness and joy. He's gone above and beyond for his brother. It's time to look for a facility, a nice, good one, where your brother will be able to visit when he likes, but also have the peace of mind in knowing that his brother is in good hands and taken care of, and that he can finally rest and enjoy his life, care giver free. It's about time. I agree with you totally.

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When is enough, enough in this situation?

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