Mom is never happy. How can I get her to go to respite?

Question

P

purplerain Asked September 2013

Mom is never happy. How can I get her to go to respite?

Hi all I have not been on this site in a while so tonight I came here to vent a few things I am dealing with. First mom is always in a bad mood cant say anything to her unless she needs something done or change the channel on the tv. And I am the only one who cares for her we have no family in our state that we live in and I talked to the family about her but they have not much to say they admire me for waht I am doing I took her out the nursing home 10 years ago. She looked so sad and they but the ankle bracelett on her cause she wondered sometimes ( she does not do that at our home) and since she had several operations things have changed for her and me she had to get the ostomy pouch on and her insides got twisted up and she has a hernia that may need attention ( she is 95 years old uses a walker, hearing aides that hernia well I will keep watch on that to old to go to have a operation. I get tired of how she acts towards me because I am all you got she tells me to get the h... away form her leave me alone ect. She used to go to the daycenter 1 day a week but I cant get her to go its been about a month they have beeb patient with this. I look forward to that day but she refuses to. I am hopeful maybe this week she will go be out of the house. I said a few things that I needed to vent about but the biggest is mom and how she acts towards me. One the other side my son got himself in trouble and may be facing about a couple years in jail hate to hear that told him what he needs to do did not listen to me or his dad i feel bad for him and cant tell his grand mom. And my so called friends have just disappered dont even return a phone call or a text me back I try not to talk only about my mom but they knew that this is where I am at the time they want me to get some respite and I want to she wont leave the house how do I get her to go to respite?. I am 54 years old not a bad lookig woman try to take of myself and i feel sad at times. We just moved to a new place and it took a lot for her to go to respite then she would of been in the way trying to move and all. And I got very ill after the move it was very hard on me but I am still standing and praying that I can keep doing this. It is very hard doing the same thing everyday and the person you do it for is MEAN I told her that and she told me this is what I am to do take care of her I walked away from her. I know she has some dementia but sometimes I feel she plays games with me.I have ran out of things to say I hope one of you read this and give me back any feed back I will be checking and there may be a part 2 later. I have got to go for now got to get up early and excuse any typos that I made have a good night/ day and god bless all of caregivers. Purplerain- :-)

Burnout

11 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

See All Answers

Recent Questions

Related Questions

score 0 · Answer 1

Your deserve a LIFE so don't place on the responsibility on your shoulders to make everything right for everybody. First, stop worrying about making Mom happy because it is not going to happen--I would try to make yourself happy and move on. You have been the best daughter a mother could have so now the time has come for you to step aside and begin to think about yourself. I would begin to look for placement for your mother in a nursing home. She needs lots of care and the long term care facility can provide those 24 hours hands-on kind of care. No matter where or what you do for your mother she will continue to be unhappy. I am firm believer that we make our own happiness and someone else can not. Your mother is frail and ill so it is very hard for her to be happy about much. So you need to stop all the "guilt" and get ready for your mom to move. She will not like it, but she doesn't like anything that you do for her--it is a no-win situation so stop trying to make miracles. She will adjust because she has no choice. Don't mean to sound "heartless" but if you died tomorrow, life would go for your mom no matter what. Just know one thing is that you have done a great job caring for mom and your time has come to an end. Let someone else continue her care. Be strong with your decisions and get your hair and nails done and be the beautiful 54 year old woman that you have been all of these years caring for your mother. It is now about you!!!!

Helpful Answer (0)

score 3 · Answer 2

I know where you are coming from and you definately do need a break. If mom will not listen to you, then get her doctor involved. Let the doctor know the toll it is taking on you and most doctors would be willing to have aq conversation with your mom letting her know that you as the caretaker are exhauseted and need a break. Im willing to be she would agree to it if her doctor told her to. My mom was living with me as well and she is very mean as well. My kids cxouldnt take it anymore and I discussed it with her social worker at the time and the social worker had said this is not an ideal situation having children to care for and your mother. She told my mom she HAD to go to a NH and she finally agreed to it. Trust me I get alot of slack everytime I go see her and she yells and is mean but i can walk out and go home to peace. I tried very hard to do what was right and care for her but it gets to a point where we just cant do it anymore. And at first the guilt was killing me, but I know she is where she should be now when I see the fact that she has to have a CNA nesxt to her 24 hours a day...I could never be next to her 24/7. So I strongly suggest talking to her Dr. you would be surprised how willing they are to help us caretakers

Helpful Answer (3)

score 3 · Answer 3

Hello Purplerain. I've read the responses to you. Having taken care of my Mother that had a multitude of health issues, (including a 10 year journey with dementia/Alzherimer's) you are to be commended for all what you have done to care for your Mother. Each of us are different in how we try to cope. And, I certainly understand what I call "the defenening silence"...when friends stop calling, and/or remote family members excercise the same practice.

Yes, we all deserve a life, and hopefully the joy of peace and some fun amongst all these complex issues that primary caregivers deal with. It is lonely and a very difficult journey and my heart goes out to you. Try and surround yourself with people that understand and/or have "ACTUALLY" experienced what you are going through...that have been on the "front line". These people will be your best friends, and you will find peace and comfort with these people. As your experience has been a significant emotional sacrifice for you, I also gather you have a wonderful heart and soul. Share with others that will understand. It is in times like what you are going through, however, that you begin to truly understand what the word "friend" really means. May I suggest you try and connect with some quality friends.

You do need a break, and to step back to re-energize yourself and your inner soul. If you can afford to bring other help into your environment, some friendly faces and genuine caregiving people, this will help. However, I would do what you can to find some "quality" places for your Mom to visit, perhaps one day a week to start off with. I personally found it difficult to find acceptable places and/or healthcare facilities that I trusted...and this was from actual experience and connections. I would suggest you consult with those professionals in the medical field that will take the time to understand, and hopefully offer some sound direction, from a medical standpoint, to help in smoothing out the high tides.

Having been there, I believe I truly understand your plight. Keep your head up, but take some time to clear your mind... however you have to implement this, you've got to take some time for yourself. You must try and find some laughter as you wade through all of this..and still have peace in knowing who you are.

Good luck. You are not alone. We care.

Helpful Answer (3)

score 2 · Answer 4

Oh, boy. Your Mom sounds like mine. Luckily my sister takes her every month for one week but I have no one close by. We pay someone a couple of days a week to come in so we can do things. I'm being to go see our kids in Ca for 17 days at Christmas but I don't know what I'll be able to do about it. Good luck and let us know what happens. Do you have anyone in the family who can take her for a while?

Helpful Answer (2)

score 2 · Answer 5

purplerain,
popstark is right, you've got to try and find a way to get some time 'alone' to yourself, so that you can take it easy and get some 'rest' (and re-energize yourself too). Have you thought about 'in home' or a 'residence' hospice care? If you don't want to do it at home where you should be able to go out for a few hours for the individual who comes to help you out, depending on how you set things up with the caregiver, how about placing her somewhere with folks can look after her with the necessary medical 'help' that she needs and while there she could 'meet some folks her own age' (and younger) and enjoy herself too?
My mom before she passed away this past July sounded just like your mom, but thank God she got it together before she left here, and I'm forever grateful to God for that. She did have some o.k. times at the rehab facility, but I had to bring her home because her circumstances there changed drastically, and I preferred for her to be home with me (she had a number of issues as well, and I'd signed her on for at home hospice care, but she passed the same day she was signed up) where I knew she'd 'be at peace'.
Is there a way for you to check out some facilities near you (if you should decide place her somewhere, I BEG of you to PLEASE keep a 'close eye on her, especially when it comes to her medical care', because of the horrors some of these facilities presents but there are some good ones out there too, just do your research though) or contact to 'hospice' organizations to get some ideas and a different take on this? I'll be praying for you and your mom (for us 'lone caretakers' it's truly a tough road to hoe) and I hope and pray that we get some 'good news' from you on this important issue. Take care and blessings to you.

Helpful Answer (2)

score 2 · Answer 6

Your mom sounds like my grandmothers, one who passed away a year ago June at the age of 95. From a lot of what I have heard and read, it sounds like many people who reach their late 80s or 90s revert to more childlike behavior that they wouldn't have considered behaving like when they were "themselves". The issue is that they aren't chlidren and there is a history of parent/child memories that the caretakers have with recollections of how the parent used to be and the child (now adult caretaker) was used to doing what they were told to do by the parent (now childlike elder person). The parent now makes outrageous statements or demands and the child tries to fulfill the demands and ends up with hurt feelings because of the outrageous statements. Try to keep in mind that they are no longer who they were and the roles are somewhat reversed with you being the parent that they, the child, in a manner of speaking. My maternal grandmother was like this. She used to say awful things to my mother who attempted to tend for her. My paternal grandmother, who passed away in her 80s, had dementia, sundowner's syndrome?, and also did the same thing with two of my aunts who were taking care of her. She would say horrible things and they were the only ones willing to take care of her. So I guess all I can say is that you are not alone; it is not your fault; and she would probably be horrified at her own behavior if she wasn't the age that she is. Also know that some people are never happy and no one can make them be happy...that is how they are. Don't kill yourself trying to insure that your mother is happy. You can only do so much. Mention the issues to her doctor. They may prescribe something but know that not all antidepressants work the same way on all people. I have read that sometimes it takes a few trials with the various options to find one that is right for the individual. I know some states have options for someone to come in for a few hours to offer some relief to a caretaker. Your's may be one of them. Is there a senior center or something nearby that may have information about this that you can look into? Also, if someone is willing to come in, be prepared for your mom to try to reject this. I have a friend whose mother finds some way to sabotage every attempt to do this. Don't take your mom's comments personally as I think it's just how many people behave once their brain reaches a certain age and the age varies. Hang in there!

Helpful Answer (2)

score 2 · Answer 7

First of all try to remember your mom is angry with herself for getting old.She isn't angry at you.
Remember that to some of us It's embarrassing to have a bag, use a cane or wheelchair, wear diapers or forget who or where you are....old age it just isn't easy to accept.We see our body aging beyond repair but somewhere inside we are still 20, or 40 or ?
We feel useless, we feel a burden to our caregivers but we can't blame ourselves so we take our anger out on anyone, usually the one that cares for us the most because somehow we know we can trust they won't desert us.
Try this little trick(commonly used by to modify out of control dogs and horses):
REDIRECT when she starts on you. Offer her coffee, start a totally different conversation. It's very difficult for the mind to stay focused on a subject if it taken by surprise.
I use this technique all the time with my 93 year old mom and my animal clients.
Works like a charm.
Your friends are probably avoiding you because: It's scary for them to watch what you are going through with your mother. We all have parents and one day might be facing the same challenges you are now.Most people don't want to think about that!
Plus by caring for your mom at home it may make them feel guilty (if they have parents in a home). You are the goody-goody the adult responsible child we all want to be but can't or won't.
May I say I admire you. You have a lot on your plate right now and as you said you are "standing". You can do this and remain mostly sane.I know you can.

Helpful Answer (2)

score 0 · Answer 8

I agree with the point about speaking to your mom's doctor. Take notes when you do because it seems like there are several issues that need to be resolved. Before my mom's dementia she taught me something that helps me a lot. "Slay one dragon at a time" By that she meant, solve one problem at a time. Concentrate on one thing, like getting some help, or making sure her physical health is the best it can be. Whatever you feel is most important or easiest or whichever problem you want to solve first. Then go to the next problem. My mom isn't usually mean like you describe your mom. My mom often is extremely frightened and sometimes lashes out at us then. (Bathing her is a nightmare). For my mom, at this point in her dementia, there is more of a problem with crying, sadness. It is hard to describe but it is like my mom is just miserable sometimes. I love my mom VERY much and I would never want to see her medicated and ignored. But sometimes when she seems especially miserable for an extended amount of time we have a pill that we give her. We actually give her half of the pill. It helps to calm her down at bath time too. She was first prescribed a different one that only made her sleepy, we talked to the doctor and she prescribed something else that works well for my mom. Maybe something like that would help with your mom. Thank-you for being there for your mom. You are doing a beautiful thing and all of us caregivers appreciate you and want to give you any support that we can. :)

Helpful Answer (0)

score 0 · Answer 9

Well - one should never ask a yes/no question to someone with dementia. The answer will always be no. You talked about respite care so I am thinking you were not planning to place your mom permanently. Regardless, you should just use some sort of "fiblet" to get your mom to go with you to the facility. You might be quite surprised when it turns out that she really likes being there. Additionally, even if this is just a temporary stay, I might suggest some medications - starting a few days before - that would calm your mother down before you take her to the facility. Be sure and bring some things that will remind her of home to put in her room at the facility - photos, a favorite lamp. . . Good luck!

Helpful Answer (0)

score 0 · Answer 10

By medications, I am thinking of something like Seroquel or Risperdol.

Helpful Answer (0)

Mom is never happy. How can I get her to go to respite?

11 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions

Ask a Question