How do you assist parents with no money when they refuse Medicaid?

@Jeannegibbs: Thank you, that is exactly what I needed to hear. It is very difficult to back away but we must it has to be to tough love. When we aren't there they they cry literally for our help. But then we respond they push us away. Yep I agree we just have to tough love this and walk away and allow them to fall under their own pretenses. Just like a child who doesn't want to listen. Thanks again for your listening ear today. Sometimes that's all I need.

Ah, now I understand why they refuse to apply for Medicaid. There are helpers at their beck and call. Why let strangers get involved?

Step back. Stay back. When they need help, offer to help them apply for help. Do NOT offer to provide it yourselves. Your providing help directly is enabling them in the behavior that is frustrating you so.

It is time (beyond time) for you and your husband to focus on your own lives and to begin a family. Stop playing this nonsense game. Allow APS to get involved. I am sure that your husband loves his parents. He loves you, too, right? And let us hope he loves himself. No doubt he will experience some guilt feelings if he steps back. But the department of aging is right. There is nothing he can do at this point for his parents. There is lots he can do for his marriage and his future family and his own well-being. Put your effort where you can expect some results!

Stop enabling the parents' self-destructive behavior. Allow them to face the consequences of their decisions so that they can re-think the decisions. This will be hard. Don't cave in at the first resistance you meet. Consider counselling for yourselves if it seems to be too difficult. Come back here to post often, to get support for what you are struggling with.

@ChristyHansen They aren't terminal and hospise won't except them. My MIL has chronic diabeties, kidney & parkinson's and my FIL just refuses to leave the home. He has mild dementia and A Fib but wouldn't need more more than assisted living. But calls us to rush over there on a moment's notices since they don't care to pay for any care except 15-18 hrs / week and expect us to take care of things on a whim even when we are at work. It's so annoying. I don't want to sound ungreatful and unwilling to assist but this has been going on for 14 years now and they won't budge at all. But we are out late at night in hospitals and nursing rehab since my MIL can not return home with only the help of my FIL caring for her. It's so annoying. Medicare pays for the rehab / nursing since she can't walk and needs skilled nursing to get around and bathe and such. It's sad but we are about ready to crash.

Jeanne, I was threatened several times with having APS called on me when I allowed my parents to remain in their home, taking care of each other. My father passed away 2.5 years later, and I told my son, who had medical power of attorney, to get her out of the house or APS would be after him. He took care of that PDQ. She has Alzheimer's and was trying to care for my father who had Parkinson's Disease. We have had our hands full...

@Jeannegibbs: They both just dig in their heels when we help them but then beg for our help when we step back. Then when we help them they refuse everything. They both are of pretty sound mind to make those decison and the department of ageing has told us that there isn't much that we can do other then just back away and allow APS to get involved. We do not care to be their guardians as we can not quite work and give up our home. Yes it is very frustrating to say the least. We have been at their beck and call for many years and it's really time for my husband and I to begin our life and start our family. We have been married for 14 years and his parents have controlled every aspect of our lives. My husband is seeing the light and really is tired of their nonsense.

If the parents are old enough, they can be placed in a hospice facility. I believe Medicare pays for that, especially if a doctor says they have less than six months to live. There would be only comfort (palliative) care there -- no treatment for their illnesses or to prolong their lives. Sometimes this is the best decision.

Do both Mom and Dad refuse to consider Medicaid? Do you know what their reasons are?

Would Dad's doctor be willing to state that Dad is no longer competent to make his own health care decisions?

Does anyone have Power of Attorney and Medical POA for them?

Have you spoken to any agencies about this?

I can well imagine that you are extremely frustrated! Please provide a little more information and perhaps people will have specific suggestions for you.