How do I tell two siblings that our mom won't be buried in the cemetery of our first choice?

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beautifulmom Asked October 2013

How do I tell two siblings that our mom won't be buried in the cemetery of our first choice?

I have two siblings that fight me on everything. I have cared for Mom for 7 years and a couple of years ago my brother and I went and picked a cemetery plot by my Mother's brother and the other two called the lady in charge of the cemetery and she called me and said my mother could not be buried in any other plot except for the one reserved by my Aunt, my Mother did not want this plot beside her sister due to some deep hurt. The siblings were not included because they had stated that they didn't and couldn't choose a plot for Mom, and besides it would have been a bigger argument than it was. I had to choose another location and another cemetery due to their actions and I am afraid to tell them and afraid to place the tombstone due to them getting upset. I am afraid of what they will do. I have tried to include them but like I said they have fought me on everything, and have attacked my family. I would like to get this resolved before my Mother gets sick and passes. Don't want all hell to break loose at the funeral. Yes that is what it will be! The spot was my Mother's second choose which is beside my Dad which is not their Dad. I am not doing this to be mean I am doing the best to do what my Mother wants, she has dementia so she cannot tell them, but they wouldn't listen to her either.

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score 1 · Answer 1

its always the people who are not taking care of mom with the biggest guilt trip. stick to your mothers choice.....and while you're at it have siblings pick thier plots so thier significant others won't bitch about it when thier time comes.....good luck

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score 3 · Answer 2

You should plan and follow through with what you know your mother wants.

I agree completely with lsmiami & Anniein - when the time comes that your mom passes, THAT is the time to tell them where the services and her final resting place will be.

If you tell them ahead of time or try to discuss it rationally, based on how you have described them, it sounds like you would be creating a lot of drama for yourself AND FOR YOUR MOM (UNNECESSARILY) and give them plenty of advance notice to try to step in and gum up the works.

You might try briefly that's early writing down exactly what happened and why you made the choices you did, accurately and an emotionally. Save it for later, and consider even distributing it as a handout to any disagreeing family members at the mortuary or cemetery. Don't write anything in a negative or accusatory waited to be used against you. Keep it factual and loving, stressing the importance of doing what you know your mother wanted.

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score 2 · Answer 3

At least your mum told you her wishes! My mum refuses to talk about this and will not go there! Lucky i know my mum would want to be with her parents OR her hometown village! I have told my siblings this and they refuse to discuss it? I would like to organise this sooner rather than later just to aliviate more stress on us as most family live abroad.
I care for mum I know what she would want and she will be buried where she wanted and NOT by my siblings they dont even want to discuss this so they can butt out.

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score 2 · Answer 4

First of all, don't say anything to the 2 siblings about it until the time comes - there's no need to stir the pot now unless you feel like getting into a big war over something that may not occur for another 5-10 years or more. Second, if your mother chose the cemetery and the plot, has the plot been paid for yet? If not, and if there is any way possible, get the plot paid for ahead of time - that way it reinforces your statement later of "this is where Mom wanted to be buried, and she made sure her decision would be respected by paying for it ahead of time." Done deal. It sounds like you and your brother are on the same page, but the other 2 are not - hopefully your brother will stand beside your decision and help back you up on this & the 2 of you can do whatever you can to get the plot paid for in the meantime. As for "all hell breaking loose at the funeral" - you can't live your life worrying about what may or may not happen in the future. They may be singing a different tune by the time your Mom passes, and all this worry will be for nothing. You can always compromise and let them help pick out the casket so they're included in some of the decisions - pick your battles in other words.

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score 2 · Answer 5

I love ISMIAMI response. I was my husband's caregiver for 3 years before he passed on 9/24/13. I went and made all of the arrangements. His 7 grown children from previous relationships and other relatives were informed once I completed the arrangements on the 25th, this avoided a lot of confusion. On the 26th in paper, I buried him on the 27th. In this way, it was less stress for all. Don't worry about what others have to say. Usually it is just talk. In my case some family members attended others did not. They did nothing for him while he was alive, so nothing was owed to them. Yes there were hurt feelings but they will get over it. It was also a reminder to all to treat people well when they are alive. Preplan for a service so when the time comes you can do the final act in peace and just tell them that mom made the final decisions of where and how. Continue to take care of your mother and don't worry about the future, everything will workout. Take care of yourself.

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score 1 · Answer 6

You worded your concerns very succinctly above. I think I would say the same to them. "I had to to it for the following reasons (which it sounds like they had a party in causing to occur and abdicated it to you so they won't be shocked). Tell them you are nervous and scared to tell them but you know when she passes tensions will be running high and you are trying to avoid that happening. If you need to write it down then do that. Try to put emotions aside and just 'do it'. That's about all you can do.

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score 1 · Answer 7

If you are the executrix you have the right to do what you ant when she passes. Thank God I was my Dad's and he got the funeral and casket he always wanted.

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score 2 · Answer 8

Who has the power of attorney to make the decisions? That is who should have the legal authority to make the decision. Much of what you seem to be discussing is on the emotional side of the equation. The PoA has to act in the best interest of the person and, to the extent possible, honor their requests. The interpersonal relationships can be difficult and families often experience stress around these kinds of decisions and at the passing of a family member. This happens even when one of the children does not have PoA;- death can bring out interesting and distressing reactions from people. Do you have a counselor, pastor, coach, etc. to whom you can speak?

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score 3 · Answer 9

Sounds like the hurt feelings are over first husband vs second husband and complicated by relatives of first husband. Your mom chose her resting place, period.

Let them deal with it when the time comes.....I would not bother bringing it up... It could be worst they will bring the argument to mom and upset her.....she does not need or deserve the stress. Unfortunately You will deal with the stress today or tomorrow. I would rather explain it when it comes up and is basically an irreversible decision. Are they going to offer a new plot? Are they going to pay? Are they going to steal the corpse?
Nah....they wil huff and puff and have to accept it. If they become rude or loud at he funeral they can be removed. Otherwise if they choose to seethe instead of grieve, let them.

When the time comes, you simply state this was mom's decision, you do not need to defend it .

If you deal with it now the drama can go on for a long time, if you deal with it later, they may be a shock, but it will be over in a few days.

Let it go, do not engage in proactive worry and stress, this can wait and is not up for debate, so why bring open the topic.

Good luck.

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score 2 · Answer 10

My siblings do not take care of my mom I do. Just like you. Until they do, they have nothing to say. You are the one doing it all. I would tell them this is what happened, it is what it is get over it. What are you afraid of? What can they do? I would cut my losses with these siblings it is not worth it.

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How do I tell two siblings that our mom won't be buried in the cemetery of our first choice?

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