I was told to record my mother's behavior (she has dementia), now what?

Just sympathy here. (Mostly for you, but also for her.) Her words express her fear, anger and sadness at her condition. The woman - mother, secretary, daughter - who is "in charge" and therefore "responsible" for everything - that is, you! - always gets all the blame for whatever happens.

You can blame her for using those words, but please don't torture yourself by believing that she really means them deep down. Kazzaa is right. It's hard, but remember that she's nuts, and "consider the source," as they used to say. The source is the beta amyloid plaques in her brain.

She has had negative thoughts about you. Kids are so annoying! But it's temporary annoyance, not what she "really" thinks. Have you NEVER felt that she was a terrible mother? That doesn't mean that she WAS a terrible mother!

Yep been here, am here im a lazy no good I sit in the kitchen and smoke all day I do nothing im abusing her,im not feeding her,theres never any food there,

I think we should all go and buy a cat O' nine WHIP and beat ourselves with it yep we are the daughters from hell!!!

your mum loves you and hurts you because youre there shes mentally ill so accept it and try and ignore the rantings! I just laugh now as my mum dosnt know what the hell she is saying!
Whats a lot worse than my mum ranting abuse at me is that my stupid sister believes everything mum tells her and trust me that's worse.

I am now trying to get help from a social worker (who is useless) just to tell someone in authority my side before this escalates into mums rants getting worse and even dangerous.
Yep cover your ass as they say just in case someone believes her this is the scary thing about caring.
Big hug am going through some crap right now like this with mum apparently I don't care about her??

its the suckinest suck that ever sucked. along with scrambled brains from caregiving you have to deal with guilt and paranoia. there is no perfect caregiver, we all have human weaknesses and limitations. i would definately call your local sheriff and ask them to note that your dealing with a demented elder. the cops are not stupid and that simple notation speaks volumes. those men and women have seen it all.

I don't know how much this is going to help, but MOST of the time, APS does the right thing. It will hopefully be obvious that you are not doing the things she says you are doing. They can usually tell confused ranting from reality-based complaints. Document what you can, especially anything financial. Mom would probably not be saying or believing these things if her judgement was intact. It has to hurt that she could think so ill of you, but it is the way she is putting together the fact that she has terrible problems now that can't (in her mind) possibly be her fault or problem, and it makes no sense because it makes no sense. Just because a person can put together a sentence or recognizes familiar people does not mean they do not have dementia; judgement, insight, and empathy often go before memory and orientation. She might also be doing worse cognitively because or a medical issue, even just an infection or inflammation somewhere, or just from being in pain.

Hugs. This sucks. We can't fix it, but we can sit here and hate it with you.

Gracie you are not alone! My mom also does the same thing to me. She tends to act up and say things about me to other people or peolple in the same room as soon as I turn my back not realizing that I can still hear her words of disgust, her degrading insults/accusations because I am still close by, enough to hear her filth about me. At times I feel it's her and not the disease speaking because its as though she knows exactly what she's saying. I'm telling you. Her mind is with it sometimes enough what she is doing. Enough to know that she can no longer go home. Enough to know that I am now in control of her money and not her., Enough to know what time i get home from work. Enough to still know who her children are and what health condition they have. Enough to know that her youngest daughter has MS and her 55 year old son was born with down syndrome and is in an institution. I know my mom has stage 5 Dementia, but I know she is still able to think and make sense at times.So Gracie I have to say that I know where you're coming from.

Gracie-
How are you doing? The first time my mom became belligerent with someone I called the police to let them know about mom's condition. In case that happens again at least the cops should be aware of your mothers condition.

It is the disease. Speaking clearly and what even sounds logically has nothing to do with the content of the speech.

You heard your mother say very hurtful things about you. That doesn't mean those are her true feelings or that she has always secretly felt this way. It is the disease.

Learning more about dementia might help you weather these storms. My mantra became, "It is not my husband saying these things. It is the disease."

graciesgirl, you have a very legitiment concern. Police do not have much knowledge or experience dealing with a dementia person. Police have a duty to protect the elderly from any alleged abuse allegations even if they are false. A call to APS about your concerns could be helpful. They have you on record about these concerns if your mother were to call them or the auhtorities. In some states it is against the law to audio record a person without their knowledge or consent. So before you record your mother make sure you are not violating the wiretapping statute in your state. Other than that, finding another living environment for your mother can ensure your legal safety.

It's hard to be rational when your brain is swiss cheese. Nothing connects. And I think their level of fear is off the charts. They must be in constant fight or flight mode. Has anyone heard of a study where they check hormonal levels, ie cortisol, adrenalin, etc of alzheimer's patients?

I feel like I'm going to throw up in my shoes. I'm the only person on this planet that cares about her, and she's is going to try to ruin me. I'm waiting for the police to come right now and take me away for "the way I treat her". I haven't done anything bad towards her but care for her. She even accused me of stealing her keys and lunch off of her counter. If she finds those keys, she's leaving, she is so pissed off. I don't yet have the authority to take her keys. I've never seen anyone so belligerent. What do I do if the police arrest me? Her appointment with the neurologist isn't until next month.

It is the disease. My mom is showing signs of decline. She will come up with the most bizarre interpretations of things and accuse me of things I am not doing (Sucks being the only 2 in the house). At first I tried to reason (didn't work) got mad and said some hateful things back which I too wasn't proud of. Then I would try to defend myself. Big mistake Now, I just say how sorry I am and accept blame and say I will try to do better and wait for the storm to pass. You will never win these 'arguments" which are really turmoils in her mind and neither will she. The dementia is the only 'winner" in this losing game.

Common themes with dementia are paranoia and thinking people you know are stealing from you or controlling you. My mom has early dementia and my Dad is already placed in a facility. He was always a quiet and rational thinking man, but his dementia got to the point where he believed that every time my mom (at 87 yrs old) left the house to do errands, that she was 'seeing a boyfriend'. He would call me and insist he had followed her and knew she went into the grocery store, met the man and then came out and followed him somewhere. He wasn't even driving by then! Some of it was his fear of being alone at home too long and some of it was just his mind. She could write him a note saying where she was going and what time she left, and that didn't even work as he could track the time easily. He signed over POA and trust to me, and 3 weeks later insisted I was stealing his money and he was going to fire the attorney who had 'tricked' him into doing this stuff! My mom now gets accusatory when paperwork has to be done to take Dad's name off something and either put it just in her name with me as beneficiary or in my name as the POA. She starts asking if this means I am taking their money? Or 'would you start taking our money' '?? Where is all the money going??' HOW could you possible have used that much already? I'm calling the lawyer to see if you are doing this right.... She accuses me of not caring enough because I won't call places and complain for her...and tells other people what I am not doing right. It's all the dementia. Just do a little self study on symptoms of dementia or listen to the rest of us here, tell you how it's all happened to us many times over. It does hurt to hear such things out of your parents mouths, especially when you know you are doing your darndest to help them. From their perspective, their lives are changing and they are losing control and they know it....and what comes in the end is death and they ponder constantly all the things they wanted to do or should have done or shouldn't have done. My dad, while still rational, would get in these moods where he would sit and go on and on and on telling me all about how he tried to live a good life, do the right stuff, raise us two kids right, treat everyone right, and just wasn't sure he had succeeded and needed to know that he did...just sort of summarizing his life in his mind, and wanting feedback and love and reassurance, because he knew he was losing his mental abilities and couldn't 'fix' a thing anymore. Now he is like a 5 yr old....with no memory or attention span....and not even an awareness that others around him even have their own needs. I just thank God that he still recognizes my Mom and me. I am going down to Tucson today to see him for a few days....it will be good.

I am sorry you had to go through that. I know it hurts terribly. But I have to agree it is the disease. Nothing is sacred any more/all your secrets can be revealed(unfortunately some aren't even true) You said you were told to record her. Why and by whom?

It is the disease. People with dementia can still talk perfectly clear. My mom has said many terrible things to me and accused me of all sorts of crazy things over the past few years. She never would have done or said these things before. It used to really upset me in the beginning, and I'm ashamed of some of the things I said back to her. This was before I knew what dementia does to someone. After educating myself I understand and I can now let it roll off my back. Not always 100%, but most of the time. When she still had a phone she'd call me all day long and sometimes in the middle of the night and leave me horrible messages. Just a couple of weeks ago she called me a dumb dumb and a stupid idiot. :-) I just laughed. She can't help it. Try to ignore it. I know it's really really hard. I wish you all the best.