Is it my business that my brothers hardly visit dad?

It is confusing and upsetting to see family members behaving in unkind or unloving ways.

It is OK to give them reminders that Dad would enjoy seeing them (until/unless they tell you to stop.) It is OK to have a non-accusatory discussion with them about their reasons. But if they don't want to talk about it, it is not your business. And if they do talk about it and you think their reasons are bogus, it is not your business.

Your Dad (and Mom) need your attention now. Any energy you waste on matters you cannot control is energy you don't have to give to your parents.

You can control your own actions. You are doing things that satisfy you. If you have minor children you can/should control some of their actions. But that is it. You can't control your brothers, and their decisions are not your business.

Here is another perfect example of someone needing to detach. It is none of your business, what is your business is what you say and do, that is all you can control, and good luck with that too. Too much energy is wasted on things we can not do one thing about, and all that happens is that we are left miserable because of it.

Everyone responds to difficult situations in different ways. If getting dementia is the thing that someone most fears then it is understandable that they might not want to be around someone with dementia, even if it is a loved one. We do not control the actions of others. It is hard not to judge others for what they do but we may not fully understand the situation. Focus on being a good caregiver and taking care of yourself. It is rare that the tasks of caring are evenly distributed among the members of the family.

I used to be angry and upset that my brother never bothered with my mother once she came to live with me, even though she was less than an hour away from him. No phone calls, no cards, no visits. I'd make excuses for him when Mom would ask about him. Gradually, Mom stopped asking and I stopped mentioning him. I learned to let go, because being angry and upset only affected me; it didn't change his behavior. Once I let go, I found peace. It no longer upset me because I understood that I couldn't change him and I wasn't responsible for him. It's been 7 yrs that Mom has been living with me, and he visited once, when she first came here. Mom stopped asking about him a long time ago. I only contact my sister-in-law when there's a major event (illness, injury) in Mom's life, but even then there's no contact from my brother. My brother is who he chooses to be, and so are yours. Let it go.

It's been hard, but I have stepped away from the anger. Both brothers live far away. One still works and isn't able to visit often. But he comes every other month. The other is retired... can afford it, but hasn't been to visit in 7 months. And then, it was only because I was out of town & mom was alone. Thinking about the things that make you unhappy, keeps you unhappy. I don't even think about the non-visitor... I have my own health to protect. And so do you!

my daughters lives in a nursing home as a result of a car accident. she has a tbi (shaking baby syndrome) I visit her every day and take her home twice a week. she enjoys her home visites.
as far as visitors are concerned ; she has a brother, mother, aunts uncles etc who live in the same town. none of them visit. it took me a long time to get to realize that I am wasting my time wondering why they do not visit their kin.
it's a big pill to swallow.
thanks for your time

When my family members did the same thing with my SIL that we care for, I began asking myself why instead of why not. For example, have the relatives always reacted by pulling away (physically or emotionally) from illness or death in the past? They may not have the ability to handle the emotional punch of your Dad’s illness. Do they tend to shy away from confrontation or difficult discussions in a general way? That may indicate that they do not have the emotional tools to handle the reality of your Dad’s situation. Were they particularly close or not close to Dad, and could that explain either the fear of seeing him sick and needy or the potential mixed feelings from the past?

Then I looked at their day to day situations. If one works, what kind of hours? Is it a good paying 9-5 job, or a swing shift factory worker? Do they get one or two days off per week to handle all their personal affairs, or are they stuck with a random, shifting schedule (i.e.; like a nurse or retail worker)? For the sib that doesn’t work, why not? Is there illness or disability (whether or not it is obvious)? How does that affect their financial outlook? Could that be an issue? Do they have children or grandchildren they care for on a regular basis? What are their daily responsibilities?

I am not suggesting that we should make excuses for family members, but understanding the big picture makes it a lot easier for me to accept the choices my family makes. In our case, one sib recently lost a husband to cancer; another’s spouse had a double mastectomy 3 weeks ago and is adopting their grandchild. One supports an adult child with autism; two others have serious heart disease and depression. The final sib is caring for her father in law, who has dementia. So, when I have compassion for them, I can accept their limitations in visiting their sister.

It is HARD to feel as though we are it, and if we each stumble without the support of our families our loved ones will suffer for it. I have searched out support on my own, and participate in training programs in caring for my SIL, to increase both my sense of competency as well as building the emotional support system I need to cope. I wish you the best of luck and trust that you will find the right path to cope with your family with compassion and love.

Perhaps your brother just cannot face that your father has dementia. Your brother may just want to keep in his mind/memories pictures of your father young , strong and healthy. Everyone copes in different ways to get through family crisis. Some people use avoidance. Not right, but it happens unfortunately. Just be there for your mother. She needs you and knows you are doing the right thing by her and your father. Leave your brother out of everything as it appears that is how he "deals" w/ the situation. Less conflict and hard/hurt feelings on both ends that way. God bless.

My brothers didn't visit my dad. I think it was part guilt about the money they owed him,and how they would never help him if he needed some work done, plus see their father aging and declining. But they have to live with themselves now.

I also have 2 siblings that live within 15 min. of mom and do no not come and see her. And yes I have gotten angry about this. But you have to let it go. You yourself do not want some else telling you what you should be doing or feeling. So you have to give the same respect to your siblings and accept they have their reasons for their actions and they do not have to explain themselves to anyone except themselves. Keep on doing what you feel is right for Dad. and you will be able to live with yourself.