Elderly mom wants a major surgery that will not prolong her life. I'd lose my job if I took her out of town for surgery. How can I fight the guilt I feel?

If you decide to help her with this, remember the FMLA which requires certain employers to hold your position for a period of time.

I agree with all of the above. I assume she is still capable of travelling independently. If so let her get herself to Seattle and seek the opinion of the surgeon there. Then if he/she is agreeable let Mom make her own arrangements including care after the surgery and whatever rehab she needs.
have no part of it, it will just come back to bite you in the butt. Good Luck

Since your father left her well-off financially there are ways she can get paid transportation to Seattle. Maybe once she confronts the cost of that and that her doctor doesn't seem to be highly recommending it she'll change her mind. How have you guys handled other surgery or serious medical situations? Is there a hospital in your town?

I agree with JeanneGibbs. Your mom has a choice and so do you. Your choice is to take care of yourself and you have every right to do that. Don't jeopardize your job and your health to jump through hoops that your demanding mom will put in front of you. It won't make her happy. And just imagine if she gets the surgery and it goes badly who will be to blame then? Stand firm - let her get her surgery but without you by her side.

I agree with Jeanne. It's mom's decision, as long as she is in her right mind, but it's ridiculous to expect you to lose your job to take her out of town for surgery her doc says he does not recommend. How old is she anyway? What is the surgery? I have a friend whose 85-year-old dad insisted he wanted bi-lateral knee replacement surgery. His local docs (he got a second opinion) wanted no part of such major surgery on a man his age, and said he would not likely survive, and that the rehab is so painful that based on his previous stints in physical therapy, even if he lived, he would not have a better quality of life because he would not/could not do the necessary rehab. He still complains constantly that he wants the surgery, but his kids refuse to take him to any more docs to discuss it.

Bottom line, she can do what she wants, but you will not be a party to it. Not before, not during, and certainly not after, when she's miserable because she never should have done it in the first place.

Let Mom make her own decision regarding the surgery. Just be sure that she knows that you will not be going to Seattle with her. Of course she won't like this. She will try to send you on the mother of all guilt trips. But remember that she basically doesn't like anything you do, so you might as well please yourself. Stand strong. You aren't going to Seattle.