My mother is being bullied at her Independent Living community. Should I get involved?

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anonymous135638 Asked November 2013

My mother is being bullied at her Independent Living community. Should I get involved?

My 71-year old mother lives at an upscale independent living community. Most of the residents are much older than her but she has mild/moderate Parkinson's Disease, as well as mild cognitive impairment (executive functioning, planning, dates, etc.). She goes out of her way to get along with all of the residents but lately has been openly bullied by one particular 90-year-old woman who thinks she owns the place. This makes my mother extremely anxious and distraught to the point where she feels physically worse than normal. She also is scared to go to dinner in the dining room (which is where most of this bullying takes place). My question is, do I get involved and contact the management of the facility? My mother is extremely against this. She doesn't want anyone else to dislike her. I'm not sure what the management could do about it anyway? I feel like I'm in high school again! Any advice? Thank you

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score 0 · Answer 1

You need to intervene before its too late ,get the authority aware of residency and put it through logical end

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score 0 · Answer 2

First, try to sort it out by firmly warning the person in concern. If the issue persists, you have no choice but to go to the management. Besides, your mom is 71, she can definitely give back and not get bullied by a 90 year old. :)

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score 1 · Answer 3

I would also do the same. My grandpa encountered a similar issue when she had been in Prestige Care Inc. a senior living community in Oregon and we called the director for investigation. Grandpa was suffering more of his depression and his physical condition was getting bad. The staffs there took special care of him and the peer who bullied him was moved another building.

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score 0 · Answer 4

Thank you for all of your comments. You gave me a few things to think about, but most importantly, I have decided to speak to the community management about this bully.

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score 1 · Answer 5

I suspect manipulative behavior, because she does not want you to contact anyone. I would definitely have a meal or two with her, and observe her interactions with the other residents. Paranoia is a sign of advancing disease, and should be discussed with the MD.

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score 1 · Answer 6

Hmmmm rhubarb rhubarb grumble mutter… I'd be very wary of that 90 year old. I'm sure she'd be as nice as pie to anyone capable of standing up for themselves. But yes, good idea, poke the problem with a stick and see what happens; and, true, don't stir up more trouble than you have to. Only I'd add - try that Robert de Niro I've got my eye on you gesture from "Meet the Parents" at the same time. Cruella de Vil needs to know you're watching...

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score 2 · Answer 7

I would start by learning more about the 90 year old. She could have beginning dementia. Your mother seems to be introverted, be her extrovert and help her find a way nicely, to assert herself when dealing with this bully. Bullies are very insecure. Perhaps if your mother gives this oldster a quick compliment, she might become nicer to your mom. Get involved, but with the least intrusive way that will make things better for your mom.

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score 2 · Answer 8

Oh my God! - I've just realised: they are jealous of her, aren't they? She's younger, prettier and nicer. If things don't improve very soon, you might have to think about a change of home; it could be that this one will never be a good social fit for her.

We chicken keepers learn a thing or two about the pecking order and how cruel it can get. I love all my hens equally, but I don't ever expect them to be fair to each other. It's always the cutest one who gets the hard time. Be your mother's champion. x

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score 0 · Answer 9

Yes, speak up quick. I'm sure your mother is against this because yes indeed it all feels like being back at school where nobody likes a sneak; but she's not at school, the bully is not a child, and here the staff need all the information they can get to do a good job. Voice your concerns to the management; they will want to know.

Either that or confront the woman yourself and tell her to her face that she's a vicious old hag… No. Fun idea, but better to contact the professionals. And meanwhile teach your poor mother some interesting new words to use in self-defence? Hope it gets sorted fast. x

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score 4 · Answer 10

Absolutely agree with both the above you should definitely intervene discreetly. Maybe you could join Mom for a few meals and observe the bully in action.

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score 1 · Answer 11

My guess is that you are paying alot of money for this community, so by all means contact management. They dont have to inform the senior bully that you called, maybe your mother can have meals in her room for the time being until "Mean girl" can get herself under control.

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score 3 · Answer 12

If it were my mother (who also lives in independent living), I'd contact the Executive Director of the facility. At my mom's place, they seat you with the same people for a particular meal. Is that the case with your mom? Ask that your mom be discreetly placed at another table across the room, maybe closer to the entrance because of her Parkinsons or something like that.

If this woman in bullying your mom, she's probably bullying others too. The staff need to be made aware so they can distract the bullier. Or tell her to knock it off. Your poor mom! My mom was seated with some women she wasn't crazy about, but would never ask to be seated with a different group. It drove me nuts because I had to listen to her complain/whine about it. I offered to contact the facility, but she also refused to have me do it. But it wasn't a bullying situation, or I would have stepped in.

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My mother is being bullied at her Independent Living community. Should I get involved?

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