Parents are in their 70's and dad keeps drinking and lying. Mom has health issues and all he does is put her down. What do I do?

3rd Pup it sounds like you and your sister (and her husband) are an awesome support network for your parents. It sounds like you've done all that you can and as JeanneGibbs has said, it may take a real crisis or emergency to change the dynamics enough to make a real difference. Your folks are very, very lucky to have such devoted children (and spouses).

Raising and caring for parents is not for the faint of heart. Takes alot of work and courage to say nothing of fortitude to try to do the right things for them. Good luck, 3rdpup

One more note...I also think my dad is jealous of the attention we are giving my mom. We try to give him the attention to. Asking him how he is and helping him with whatever he needs. Which he usually says he is fine and doesn't need any help. Raising parents...gotta love it.

Thanks for the advice. Parents have had a dysfunctional relationship for years. I'm surprised they are still tog (just celebrated 40 years marriage yesterday). I think they just stayed together cause it was easier than getting divorced. My mom is getting treated for depression. Doctors are trying to find right dose again plus deal with all her other health issues. She has been treated for depression in the past too. Depression runs in our family. We just have to make sure she takes her medicine.

My dad has had a major fall about a year ago and went to er. (Because of him drinking). Found he has a brain atrophy...caused from all the years of drinking. The dr said she would continue treating him if he would stop drinking. He did for a bit but went right back to it. My sisters and I have come to the realization that he has done this for years and will not stop.

My sister and brother-n-law are building a apartment/house for my parents (they live next to my parents now). The house my parents are in now is falling apart. We are hoping they can stay at home and not have to do assisted living/nursing home. But aren't opposed to looking into if need be.

I have met with an elder law attorney a few times. Basically my parents are considered competent at this stage. I would have to go to court and have them declared incompetent. I work at the courthouse in my county so I have access to things, which helps. The POA is I have is springing.

I have contacted Shawnee Health and had two appointments with them to come talk with my parents. But had to cancel because my mom said she wasn't going to talk with them. At first she was game to then she decided not too. She gets in moods. As of now, I'm doing the best I can. Taking her to dr. appt.s when I can; making sure she is taking her medicine. Still trying to work on her taking showers more. My sister's and I think a lot of this is my mom's depression. (She has a sister who went through/is going through this and is in a nursing home)...we are trying to avoid this.

Again, thanks for the advice. It feels good to get things off your chest and get another outside view.

Don't ask for their permission to get help. Contact Shawnee Health.

JG is right on. It is so late in their dysfunctional lives for any sort of significant improvement. You should definitely get some planning done in case either one of them falls or develops a medical problem. Since you have POA start shopping for assisted living now. It will be much easier if you have chosen a couple of places that you think suitable. You do not have to tell them you have done this. But you definitely need a plan because something will eventually happen.

Are the POA's standing or springing. Standing you can step in when you feel it appropriate, springing has to be some event that they are not able to make their own decisions. You would also be wise to meet with an elder law attorney.

I feel for ya! That has got to be very frustrating when you want to help and they won't let you.

If your parents have had a very dysfunctional relationship for decades, there is little you can do now to "fix" it. Dad is not likely to stop drinking and start being helpful to Mom, or to you. If she hasn't in all these years, Mom is not likely to start standing up for herself and insisting on changes.

It would be extremely helpful if Mom would get treatment for depression. But that would be a hard issue for you to force.

Unfortunately it may take a crisis for things to change. If Dad falls and injures himself and needs to go to an ER, that may be the catalyst to get some help for one or both of them.

Until then, love them, don't let your sense of guilt get the upper hand, do what small things they might let you do.