How do I get mom to move in to her new place?

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lorabainbridge Asked November 2013

How do I get mom to move in to her new place?

My Mom is 93, and we are moving her to a really wonderful place. She is staying with us until her new apartment is a bit more put together. We're working at getting the bedroom and bathroom nice first so she can sleep there. There is excellent care there. But, of course, she is getting resistant about that first night. Sometimes, she says she loves her new place, and at other times she is very depressed about going there -- or anywhere. I KNOW I MUST insist that she move in very soon, but how do I do this without her sobbing, screaming or whatever? It has been reasonable for her to be here when things were not put away, but this is going to take time and she must get in there. Part of her problem is that it's a brand new facility and there are very few residents. All the workers have assured me they will keep her going and will invite her to games, etc. and so I think she will be happy (I HOPE) when she gets used to it. BUT how do I get her to stay there? My husband is sleeping on the coach so she can have his bed; my health isn't very good. We must get some order happening here within the range of possibility, and that means getting her settled in. When talking, she finally admitted she was scared, which was good, but didn't quite know what she is scared of. I think of the overwhelm from her perspective, and it makes sense to me. Faulty memory, mood swings, temperature sensitivities, appetite loss -- who wouldn't be scared? ANY HELP IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!

Finally, thank you ALL for all you've written and discussed. I am angry, depresses (I suffer from depression so this is making it worse). I need to get a better perspective and take things more in my stride. Does it matter if she stays for another 5 days? Or will that make it harder on her?

ALL good advice is requested, but please, no comments live "Try to remember she'll be dead someday (I actually read that as a response somewhere here). I don't need reminding that I love her. I need to know how to really help her, and help my husband and I not fall apart.

THANK YOU!

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score 11 · Answer 1

I manage an assisted living facility and I see this all the time. Sometimes it helps to tell the person who is moving in to just try it for the winter and see how it goes. When they feel like it might not be perminate, they seem more relaxed. Then, while they are there the get used to the activities, staff and start making new friends and never even think about moving out. Also, you have to take care of yourself. It will be so nice for you to just go and visit with her and not have to be her caretaker. Good luck and I hope everything goes well for you!

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score 7 · Answer 2

My mother argued tooth and nail about not going to AL. Her favorite items were in the room, bed was made and bible by the bedside, but she refused to stay. Fortunately we had a caring doctor that suggested that mother just give it a try for a few weeks then make a final decision. Now there is no question, she is staying. Without the help of an authority figure, the process would have been a more serious situation. She is now ready for each and every group gathering and delights in her new friends. Good luck, I'm sure things will work out.

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score 7 · Answer 3

We had a similar situation with my mother in law. I discussed it with the facility director. We were able to take my Mother in law for "day-trips" to the assisted living facility for a few weeks before she moved in. Then for the first week I had my father in law and/or her aide stay with her during the day. I gave her as many familiar things as possible. I told her in the beginning it was only for a couple of months and that we would review the situation in 3 months. About 10 weeks in she told us she wanted to stay.

I formed a very close relationship with the facility directors and nurses, who were wonderful helping us. I strongly recommend talking with them and her doctors privately, then discussing it with her.

Another idea to get her to "try" it might be to tell her you or your husband need special care for a short time frame and because of this you will be unable to personally take care of her until you recover. Her care is of the upmost importance and this is the best option. (I HATE lying but sometimes we have to do it to give our love ones and ourselves what we need).

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score 6 · Answer 4

Broke my heart when my Mom cried all the way to the facility. It is fear, and rightfully so. They are going into not only new surroundings, but totally new faces, I asked Mom if she would try it for a week and then I would come and get her if she didn't like it. After three days, she told me she loved her "new house." The staff at assisted living are so special to care for the elderly. You will breathe a sigh of relief and also know she is being well taken care of. God will give you strength.

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score 3 · Answer 5

An excellent dementia specialist in my now-long gone email support group suggested starting a short regimen of a medication like Seroquel or Resperdol (hope I got the second one right) at least several days prior to the move and continuing till at least several days after the move. Now, I know people don't like to use medications but this really does help.

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score 3 · Answer 6

Thank you all! Just a few days in now, and she is getting adjusted. Sometimes, she says she loves it -- for a little while. And that little while means the world. I appreciate the support!

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score 2 · Answer 7

These are all great information. What about staying a couple nights with her until she is adjusted? I haven't had to deal with this yet. But I'm afraid the time will come soon. Bless you all.

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score 2 · Answer 8

I myself had to stay in a nursing home for a couple of months. The noises and new regimen were scary; what got me through it was the company of others. If you can possibly even spend the night with her, on the couch, for a time or two I think it might help. If not, as much time during the day as you can spare for a little while will likely help her make the transition.

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score 2 · Answer 9

My father is in the process of moving in to assisted living. I have been staying here with him. I spent 3 nites in his room on a blow up mattress, now I am in a separate room, but still here in the building. I have left for a few hours at a time, so he can do things on his own. I leave Friday nite...that will be hard, but hopefully he will be more adjusted each day. The dr put him on Seroquel, which has made him very tired and ready for bed at 8pm. He has been up and down mood wise and in and out of dementia, but the staff is great and the dr has been very helpful, and the residents have been nice to him too.

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score 1 · Answer 10

Wow! If my mother was this upset I would not be able to make her go. I know you have medical problems so you need her to go but would it be possible for you to spend the night at her new place for a night or two? Maybe you could help her get use to her new surroundings and play some of the games with her etc. Honestly I am 61 and just thinking about "what if it was me" makes me panic a little. We see it as putting them into an assisted living facility.... they see it as leaving the people they love, and being locked into a prison of sorts that they cannot leave if they want to, so yes, I can see where she would be frightened. Many years ago I was put into a facility for 3 days because they said they were changing my medications, however I think they thought I was so distraught by panic and anxiety that I might commit suicide, which I was not going to even try, but....whatever. When that door closed I was locked in and could not get out, I was fed, had my own bedroom, crafts, therapy, movies, etc....but it was a prison of sorts.

Good luck and try to spend time with her there to help her get use to the facility.

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How do I get mom to move in to her new place?

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