The question portion is rather vague, but I would like to explain what's going on with my family and ask for advice, guidance, or support from someone who is experiencing a similar phenomenon.
My father is 80 years. My mother is 63 years. They've been married for 36 years. To bring you up to speed with their relationship, they've always fought and disagreed on many subjects, but at the end of the day their marriage prevailed and they've battled through the long haul. My father has always been a recluse, and my mother a socialite. This hasn't posed a problem aside from my father starting to be lonely as the years went on.
For the past few years my father has been aging. His memory is short, hearing low, patience low, and he waddles when he walks. It's almost unbearable being with him sometimes as he can be rude, loud, abrasive, and almost disrespectful when we are in public (for example, dining at a restaurant). He gets upset when things aren't going his way. This makes him extremely hard to deal with.
My mother has been vivacious until the past year. I think her age, in combination with my fathers state has exhausted her. She's told me that she doesn't really enjoy his company any longer, but she's realized her fate and will live with knowing she is here to take care of him, etc.
So I am asking you, the public a few questions. What do you think is wrong with my father? What could be done? And what should my mom do? She still has a lot of kick in her, and I'd hate to think the latter part of her life is disrupted because she feels required to tend to my father.
As I've been spending time with them lately, I'm saddened. I see my father constantly repeating his thoughts to my mom, and rarely having more than one or two topics on his mind. I see my mother trapped. I see them both depressed in different ways.
I know my description is not the most pristine, but any help would be much appreciated.
Thank you.
Fondly,
Nervous child
4 Answers
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You have my sympathy. I know my crabby father's behavior shortened my mother's life, and I couldn't change that. I just kept on loving them both.
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And when the situation is a little clearer, then Mom has some choices to make. It sounds like your parents have believed in their marriage all these years, in spite of many differences. Don't be surprised if your "trapped" mother decides to take care of her husband until death parts them. There is more than one way this can happen, of course. Try to support her whatever she decides is best.
When my husband was 80 I was 61. He had had dementia for 4 years at that point. I chose to take care of him at home. It was a very tough 10-year journey. Knowing what I know now, I would make the same decision again (but I would get more help, earlier, and have more respite.) I had support from my husband's three daughters and my two sons. I've seen situations where the caregiving spouse got lots of stress from family members -- a really unnecessary tragedy.
The first step is to get competent medical diagnosis. Your next step (in my opinion) should be to support your mother's decisions in any way you can.