My brother has restricted me from visiting my dad who lives in his home in Vegas. My three sisters and I found my father in dirty, unsafe, unhealthy conditions 3 years ago in the care of my brother and his wife. They live in Las Vegas, NV and we live in Phoenix, AZ. My brother is seldomly home and leaves the full time care of our father to his wife. She had children and her own aging parents to care for and often seems overwhelmed. After returning to Phoenix, my sisters and I had a Nevada soicial worker visit the home to check on my father, assess his situation in hopes of offering assistance to my sister-in-law in his care. (hygeine help, food preparation, mental help, etc) My brother took offense to this visit and interpreted it as an "attack on him". He has now told me and my sisters we are ONLY welcome to visit our father during his supervision. He travels extensively and is rarely home. He has thrown out a single date in December for me and my sisters to visit. We too, have busy schedules, childeren, other obligations and would like to visit on a continuous basis when in town for conferences or during times when his health procedures arise. (currently)
Our dad loves his daughters and loves to visit with us whenever it's possible but is also reluctant to make waves with my brother and his wife.
What are our rights in visiting my father, especially now that his health is declining and has impending surgical procedures coming up.?
Thank you for any advice you can offer.
Melanie in Phoenix, AZ
8 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Maybe you could take your father for a month, giving your sister in law a break, and you an understanding of how much work is involved in caring for an elderly person. . You can write your father, and ask his advice on how to make the situation better. Google how to care for the caregiver, and implement the suggestions.
As a caregiver, one of the hardest things to accept and causes the most bitterness, is relatives who blow into town, upset the routine, offer only criticism, and blow out again giving neither respite or help. If you are guilty of any of this then you need to fix the situation with your brother and sister in law. Offering isn't doing. Can you pay for a housecleaner, a companion for your father for a day, anything that relieves some of your sister in law's burden. It sounds like you all love your father, and want the best for him. Where there is love and humility, there are solutions
ADVERTISEMENT
Obviously the social worker did not have him removed so they found his living conditions acceptable. Would have probably been even more so if you and your sisters had maybe helped clean up - taken your father to give your sister in law a break that she could have made things better for him and her, maybe I have this wrong, perhaps you offered this?
It sounds to me as if your brother has overreacted because his wife was upset - not so much with you in particular, as about the whole situation, maybe feeling that she was failing to live up to standards or expectations, or something like that. I'm sure you weren't having a go at her, not at all; but if there's one killer phrase that sets the cat among the pigeons it's "I was only trying to help." It would stand to reason that your brother wants to make sure it doesn't happen again by insisting on being present when you visit.
Well, that's always negotiable - at least he hasn't said never darken my door again.
Going back a bit, did you really call the social worker without so much as discussing it with your sister in law? Um. If so, to be blunt, that was a bit dim of you. How did you expect her to feel? How would you feel if you were doing your best and somebody did that to you? I hope I've got that bit wrong. Could you clarify, please?