What have I done now?

Ok

Glad - It absolutely baffles me that nursing homes agree to take in dementia patients without first being confident that they have the skills, staff and facilities to meet their (thoroughly assessed) needs. Do they never learn?

Chrissie-
I agree with others, leave him where he is since it sounds he is finally adjusting. Any sort of change is very difficult for them. A new place would start the process of adjustment all over again.

From your description it sound as if the other place you found is a small residential home? Sometimes these facilities are not appropriate the more advanced the disease becomes. Ok short story. One of my caregiver friends found a residential home for her mom-in-law. They were very excited about placing her there, the cost was less than a large facility, a smaller group home environment, caregivers that are suitably trained, the list goes on.

The home only kept her for 5 days, she upset the other residents because she was going into other's rooms rummaging trying to find her things. There was no way that caregivers were able to distract her from this activity that was upsetting the dynamics of the household. So, she was moved to another similar situation that did not work out. They are on the third home and looking like this one might finally work. But that could also change tomorrow.

The adjustment isn't only hard on dad, but family members, other residents, and staff as they try to get to know him and understand his needs which is extremely difficult with those with dementia. If it appears everyone is adjusting, best to leave it be.

Wow ,
You are all so wonderful .

Well, I don't know.

CaptainChrissie, well done for the gracious way you wrote to your brother. It's definitely crucial that you, your brother and your mother work together on this, whatever happens.

It's also definitely true that change is usually very unsettling for people with dementia. They don't handle it well. There would be bound to be a setback, at least in the short term.

But. Whether or not it's worth moving him to another care home depends on a number of different factors. The three of you need to do a pros and cons sheet and see if it helps you decide.

The pros might include: nicer environment, with more stimulation, a better quality of life. But how is the quality of care at the "super home" you spotted? Are the staff really experienced and skilled in specialist dementia care? Are they better, more caring, kinder, nicer people than those at the place he's currently in?

Pro-move points might also include some of your mother's concerns about his current place. Are they serious, significant worries, or minor hitches? More importantly, if she's asked for things to be put right, have they been attended to?

Anti-move would be, of course, the immediate disruption to your father's routine. The unfamiliar faces, different furniture, different view (nicer is good, but different can be frightening - he'll feel lost) will upset him, no question. How quickly he settles in will depend on both the skill of the care-giving staff and what stage he's at with his dementia.

There is another question that you probably won't be able to answer, but need to think about. How long, realistically, is your father likely to remain aware of his environment? If things are looking bleak already, it's difficult: it depends on whether the care he's receiving is actually so poor that it's detrimental to his state of mind, or whether it's simply a case of the disease progressing. Very hard to tell; but something you need to consider.

Don't do it alone! Your brother and mother do want the best for your father too; and maybe you did get a bit carried away before; but that doesn't mean you shouldn't feel free to suggest ideas and research options. Pick a time to talk things through when they're not already stressed, and good luck with it. Please update xxx

Moving him right now would be a definite setback. He will be confused and agitated and may even assault the new caregivers. Let him be.

captainchrissie, from what you wrote it seems your father is more advanced in his dementia (not too aware of things) and probably needs much care. We like to think that the things we find invigorating will also be good for a person with dementia. At advanced stages, it may not be the case. Your mother has walked the road with your father, so I would follow her lead on this. He is where he is now, instead of home, for a reason and I doubt the reason is that no one wanted him. He had probably just become too much for untrained people to handle. Maybe your mother would like to move to the house when it is time.

Thanks guys,
I have written to my brother explaining I still prefer the new one for practical reasons , but I give mum my support and blessing for what she chooses

It's good that you're thinking about what's best for your father. However, for dementia patients, a sudden change in the environment might not be good and may be quite upsetting, even if the new environs is very beautiful. Dementia patients tend to thrive on routine.

Remember that you only suggested this because you wanted what's best for Dad. Apologize as needed to keep the peace, but don't beat yourself up.

Yes I agree , thanks.

Mum is regularly not happy with small things , so I thought she make like the change.

At the end of the day , where there is the best nursing care is more important .

I don't think moving dad is good if it really throws him out

Unless your dad isn't doing really well where he's at, why move him now? If he's settling in and seems to be doing alright maybe a change now wouldn't be the best idea. When the elderly have alz/dementia, changes in their routines can be scary for them and can agitate them. Don't feel badly, you were just throwing a thought out there, no biggie. If your dad seems fine and calm, let sleeping dogs lie for now. If he doesn't continue to do well where he's at, then that would probably be the time to discuss a move...