I think you should visit your bio mom twice a year. She is probably good at charming the staff and other residents to fuss over her. By not visiting her more, you are giving her the opportunity to complain about how ill-treated she is. Most of our elders love to complain.
If you don't want to stay more than 10 minutes, that's fine. You have given her more than enough. You are a good person.
emjo- I can see that the support here is amazing. I really didnt expect a response so quickly from anyone but i am really thnakful i reached out . Let me clarify- the gas money was what i was sending my bio mom before i moved her out here. i have it set up for doctors to go to her now. and my child is now 24 and is a help when i give him directions and he's very tall and that helps this short lady ALOT..lol I am thankful also that because my partner has a sevice connected disablilty from war time-I am able to stay home and care for her and the other things and that has allowed me to complete my schooling. I believe you are right about me being pulled every direction as being the main cause of my anxiety. And Im glad no one said I was a bad person for not visiting her in the nursing facility. I know she is well cared for and the nurses call me to give me updates or make decisions for her.. Today is a new day . Yesterday was her birthday- which put me into a feeling guilty mode- but i couldnt leave home so I will just do what i can where i can and try thekey word: try- not to let it control my thoughts. All the education in the world wont prepare anyone to deal with feelings and im thankful to have had this time to vent.. I will keep checking in and if anyone needs soem free naturopathic advice- im glad to help. Have a wonderful day! Many Blessings.. (peacemaker.)
oops that everyone you loves needs something. it does seem that everyone you love/loved has needed something but now it is your bio mum and your disables partner and your child. Is there anyone else who needs something from you? It must be very hard working, providing and having a disabled partner and a child, Is there any way you can get some assistance? It is also OK to ask for help. Many ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) come back and vent and share anytime, The support here is invaluable.
Hi peace -I agree with glad that you have faced and dealt with more than most of us, and I would add that you have done it with grace. I also agree that you and your immediate family must come first after God - His priorities!
The demands on yur are too great in my view and that can cause anxiety. You have had a lot of hurt. I am so glad that you were brought up in a loving family, If you were hit by a bus tomorrow your mum would be looked after. I suspect that she does not need gas money for transportation either. I think you need a breather to let your mind and body relax a bit. Since you are a naturopathic dr you should have some knowledge to help you with that. Take a deep breath, set priorities and boundaries, stick to them. Enjoy your nearest and dearest and let the rest of the world go by
(((Gladimhere))) Thank you.. Im also a minister and a naturopathic dr. and I forget that its ok not to do it all. I feel better just having someone understand me.
Peacemaker, it says it all doesn't it? You have been through much more than any of us have. You are doing the best you can and your family needs to be your primary concern. But, who told you that you need to send gas money? That sounds absolutely ludicrous to me. Your bio mom must be on Medicaid and they provide transportation to appointments. As far as sister being angry, it goes that way sometimes. The important thing for you to remember, is that you have done what needs to be done for your mom, when sister was ready to throw her to the curb. And that is understandable, she was older, and will remember much more than you do.
You are doing enough. Stop, look at what you can do and it is much more than many!
Lucille Ball once said that it is more important to understand what you can't do than what you can.
Establish and hold to your boundaries. Take care of yourself, if you are overwhelmed and stressed your health is in jeopardy then you will not be able to help anyone.
Oh and to add to the already crazy story- my bio mom told me she never wanted kids anyway and it was jsut something she had to do becasue the man told her to. and back then youdidnt argue about things. But she sure wants my attention and money . I pay her facility fees, her spending and her life insurance. the rest is paid by medicaid waiver and social security thank good ness. ok im done...sorry.
Im not sure how to navigate this site yet but i think i am talking to Jin4740, gladimhere, bookluvr, and emjo.. My story is probably going to sound like im feeling sorry for myself- but thats not it.. I am just so tired of being the only one who cares about things. I am a very sensitive person and care about people. My story : pull up your boot straps..lol.. Ok.. I was taken from my bio mom from the state when i was only a few weeks old so i grew up with a loving family. Im thankful for that. However- my half sister was also raised in the same home as me along with many many foster kids that came and went over the years. I was adopted and my sister chose not to be becasue she's older and knew her real parents. I did not grow up knowing her family. Well- we grew up, she moved away to live with our bio mom and is hateful and always negative to my family . When i was 23 i decided it was time to meet our bio mom so we met a few times over the years. No real relationship bonding and that was ok. I knew more about family medical history and such. Well- I divorced and bought a house for myself and my two children. ....One year later- i get a call from bio mom- she needed help and her partner was having hip trouble . Bio moms meds were all messed up and she had no one to turn to. Sis wouldnt help them because she had been burnt before by them but I could not turn my heart off and I felt God wanted me to help. so I sold my house and moved 700 miles away with my kids to help them. Needless to say- after 6 months and regular meds and cooking and cleaning their home and working and schooling my kids- they no longer needed my help and tossed me out with no where to go.. I called sis. she allowed me to move in to get on my feet again but the house burned down and I was on my own again. So finally i get a good job and get settled in and i get a call from home.. this time its the mom who adopted -loved adn raised me as her own. she was dying. I sold all i could and moved home. I married and have been settled for 8 years when-yet another phone call from bio mom.. she is homeless, her partner died and she has no money for food or meds or anything.. My partner and I mail ehr food and money and she blows it on cigarettes, doesnt get meds and is in a mess. The facility that monitors her schizophrenia meds cant help her without me sending gas money to get her to appoinments and now she is thrown out of her apartment for non payment.. so- im told im totally gullable but i cant leave ehr on the streets- its just wrong.. so....we move her in.. Now my sis has disowned me for taking her mom away so far ( even though she would not help her). She bought her a meal and then left back out of state. gee thanks. so bio mom lived with us a year and i found the most wonderful assisted living- skilled nrusing facility where she goes to plays and has cook outs with staff- It is the best place. I am her durable poa and i had all her burial things transferred out here.. It ahs been a long road. I did not mention that my partner is a disabled veteran and we have a learnign challenged son at home as well as taking care of my partners step dad on dialysis 3 days a week.. Sooo my issue is- why do i feel guilty and get anxiety about going to visit her? I avoid it because it makes me sick to my stomach and I ahve too much to handle with that kind of mindset.. I knwo i did right for her- but i lost my sister, my mom, my dad a few years ago, my partners disabled adn everyone i love NEEDS something.. I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, yardwork, repairs.. why do i feel so anxios and how do i stop it.. any advice would be appreciated.. thanks for letting me get the whole story told. Ive never had a chance to tell it.
I don't personally have your experience, but many of my dear friends do, so I've seen it up close.
Sometimes it is an eye-opener to hear the reactions of someone from a "normal" family. All of us accept treatment that others would reject in a minute. I personally need to feel deeply understood before I can trust the advice of others. tell us more, and we will try to help.
What I have found, in my situation, is that the golden children are the first to bail on the situation. Those that carried the brunt of necessary responsibilities as children will continue into adulthood and caring for aging parents.
There is always a tie to parents, even if their treatment of you as a child could have been much better. Dysfunctional families are usually ones with tragedy when children were young. Some of us grow through them, others flourish and become very caring and compassionate people, to say nothing of stubborn and a strong sense of what should be done.
(((((((peacemaker))))))) - that must be very hard. I understand that you care. Have you ever had counselling for the feelings that you must have over this? There have been times that I wished I had been given up rather than being brought up in a household of an alcoholic though loving father and a borderline personality disorder narcissistic very unloving mother. Either way it is very difficult. My heart goes out to you, I am caring for my mother who is and always has been emotionally abusive. Do share more about your situation and your feelings. There are people here who understand. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done, many conflicting emotions, much stress, yet, I have not been able to walk away and leave her high and dry. More (((((hugs)))) to you
I kick myself in the butt over and over for volunteering to stay home and help father caregive mom when I was age 23. That was 24 years ago. We grew up from a very very dysfunctional family. No love, no hugs, no encouragements. But lots of physical and verbal abuse. And Other abuses. 8 kids and I "found" God when I was age 21, got baptized and understood my duty to "honor your father and mother." I Cried and cried on a fellow believer's shoulders because I did not want to do it. I didn't even know our parents. We grew up with fear - fear of getting bad grades, fear of catching their attention, fear if one of us kids did something wrong and then we all get whipped - not just the culprit. Let's just say that my therapist is amazed that I survived my childhod - and came out "normal" - not into drugs or alcohol, etc. She usually don't recommend people with my childhood background to caregive our parents.... But because I seem to be handling it well....
I care ... because of my conscience. I care.. because I know what God requires of me. I care... because I'm not my parents. And I'm doing my best not to be bitter against my siblings - which is very very difficult nowadays. I'm a "sucker."
You will find that there's a lot of us here who have not had a very nice childhood... and still stepped up to do what the "favorites" refuse to do. So, peacemaker, how can we help you?
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If you don't want to stay more than 10 minutes, that's fine. You have given her more than enough. You are a good person.
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The demands on yur are too great in my view and that can cause anxiety. You have had a lot of hurt. I am so glad that you were brought up in a loving family, If you were hit by a bus tomorrow your mum would be looked after. I suspect that she does not need gas money for transportation either. I think you need a breather to let your mind and body relax a bit. Since you are a naturopathic dr you should have some knowledge to help you with that. Take a deep breath, set priorities and boundaries, stick to them. Enjoy your nearest and dearest and let the rest of the world go by
I am not clear when you say
You are doing enough. Stop, look at what you can do and it is much more than many!
Lucille Ball once said that it is more important to understand what you can't do than what you can.
Establish and hold to your boundaries. Take care of yourself, if you are overwhelmed and stressed your health is in jeopardy then you will not be able to help anyone.
When i was 23 i decided it was time to meet our bio mom so we met a few times over the years. No real relationship bonding and that was ok. I knew more about family medical history and such. Well- I divorced and bought a house for myself and my two children. ....One year later- i get a call from bio mom- she needed help and her partner was having hip trouble . Bio moms meds were all messed up and she had no one to turn to. Sis wouldnt help them because she had been burnt before by them but I could not turn my heart off and I felt God wanted me to help. so I sold my house and moved 700 miles away with my kids to help them. Needless to say- after 6 months and regular meds and cooking and cleaning their home and working and schooling my kids- they no longer needed my help and tossed me out with no where to go.. I called sis. she allowed me to move in to get on my feet again but the house burned down and I was on my own again. So finally i get a good job and get settled in and i get a call from home.. this time its the mom who adopted -loved adn raised me as her own. she was dying. I sold all i could and moved home. I married and have been settled for 8 years when-yet another phone call from bio mom.. she is homeless, her partner died and she has no money for food or meds or anything.. My partner and I mail ehr food and money and she blows it on cigarettes, doesnt get meds and is in a mess. The facility that monitors her schizophrenia meds cant help her without me sending gas money to get her to appoinments and now she is thrown out of her apartment for non payment.. so- im told im totally gullable but i cant leave ehr on the streets- its just wrong.. so....we move her in.. Now my sis has disowned me for taking her mom away so far ( even though she would not help her). She bought her a meal and then left back out of state. gee thanks. so bio mom lived with us a year and i found the most wonderful assisted living- skilled nrusing facility where she goes to plays and has cook outs with staff- It is the best place. I am her durable poa and i had all her burial things transferred out here.. It ahs been a long road. I did not mention that my partner is a disabled veteran and we have a learnign challenged son at home as well as taking care of my partners step dad on dialysis 3 days a week.. Sooo my issue is- why do i feel guilty and get anxiety about going to visit her? I avoid it because it makes me sick to my stomach and I ahve too much to handle with that kind of mindset.. I knwo i did right for her- but i lost my sister, my mom, my dad a few years ago, my partners disabled adn everyone i love NEEDS something.. I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, yardwork, repairs.. why do i feel so anxios and how do i stop it.. any advice would be appreciated.. thanks for letting me get the whole story told. Ive never had a chance to tell it.
Sometimes it is an eye-opener to hear the reactions of someone from a "normal" family. All of us accept treatment that others would reject in a minute. I personally need to feel deeply understood before I can trust the advice of others.
tell us more, and we will try to help.
There is always a tie to parents, even if their treatment of you as a child could have been much better. Dysfunctional families are usually ones with tragedy when children were young. Some of us grow through them, others flourish and become very caring and compassionate people, to say nothing of stubborn and a strong sense of what should be done.
I care ... because of my conscience. I care.. because I know what God requires of me. I care... because I'm not my parents. And I'm doing my best not to be bitter against my siblings - which is very very difficult nowadays. I'm a "sucker."
You will find that there's a lot of us here who have not had a very nice childhood... and still stepped up to do what the "favorites" refuse to do. So, peacemaker, how can we help you?