Stargazerlily89 Asked December 2013

How do you deal with relatives who are no help?

My grandma fell on December 1st. Since then I've had some relatives coming in and out who are no help. They walked into the house acting like they're the police and questioning about money and jewelry. My cousin went as far as to ask the aid if my grandmother was pushed.... The aid left my house in tears because she couldn't believe that my cousin would think any of us would purposely hurt my grandmother. My cousin also too pictures of my house and was sending them to her mother who then came over to do her own inspection. The rest of the night, my grandma kept yelling at us that she needed her shoes because she had to go to the bank. My uncle came back the following day and asked my aunt about my grandmother's diamond earrings. Insisting they were promised to him. (They never were, she bought him a diamond earring when he turned 60, and my cousin diamond earrings for her 21st birthday and gave money to a diamond tennis bracelet for my aunt.) he asked about other pieces of jewelry and other accounts as well and even came back the next day with his wife hoping that just my grandma and the aid were home so that my aunt could distract the aid and my uncle could snoop. I know it's my uncles mother, but my mom and aunt are fed up and I'm so upset that we've considered taking legal action to ban his family from coming here while only the aids are here. Should we take legal action? I'm convinced he already started taking pieces of jewelry, and it's not to keep, we know it's to sell because his family is in debt. I know I can't ask him about them because he's going to deny it and his daughter and wife will become irate and overreact.

I don't know what to do. Is there any advice anybody can give us?

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First thing I'd do is to get all of the jewelry (and other valuables) out of there and into a safety deposit box at a bank. The relatives can fight it out at a later date. What a bunch of VULTURES! Maybe if they know the jewelry isn't there, they'll leave grandma alone. Who has the power of attorney in the family? Do you live with your grandmother? How old is your grandmother and what's her mental state?

Helpful Answer (10)

Poor Grandma. She is blessed to have you and your aunt. Messy rooms have some advantages.

I have had to learn how to set boundaries with people in my life. In a very kind, yet assertive, manor I will say "That is none of your business." Or "I don't care what you think." Both of those stop the conversation from going any further.. period. And I may have to repeat it. It took practice but it has gotten easier and easier. And it has been worth it just to see the look on their faces!!

Helpful Answer (8)

If you haven't already, change the locks! The “vultures” should not have access.

Then send them sweetly worded notes saying that they must visit by appointment only at times when one of you will be there. And tell them that when they come, they should keep conversation light to avoid upsetting your grandmother.

Since she still wants to see them, could the visits take place elsewhere? Does she like to go out for meals or snacks? Perhaps you could meet these people away from the house. They have seriously abused the privilege of being invited in and perhaps can't be trusted to behave properly in the future.

Nobody should have to suffer the sort of stress you describe, and especially not the hired caregivers. I send blessings that you will be able to neutralize the trouble-makers and make your grandmother's remaining days more enjoyable for everyone.

Helpful Answer (7)

Blannie, POA belongs to my aunt who I live with. Yes I live with my grandmother, she 92 and barely sound of mind. Some days she's more alert than others, but she is well aware that my uncle and his family only come around looking for a hand out. Yesterday my mom and I went through most of the jewelry and it's tucked away in a safety box in my room that I have the only key and I keep it with me on my house keys, and my room is such a mess they would never even know where to look. It's just these 3 people we have to worry about. Everyone else trusts us with the care we're giving my grandmother.

Helpful Answer (6)

What could I say is that everyone wants something for nothing..... I took care of my mom for 10 years of my life juggling marriage, 4 kids, and a very sick 24hr care parent. All I could do was go to the dang store.. nothing else. My siblings bragged about careers, vacations, elaborate honeymoons, ect... Nobody helped with nothing, there were times we had no gas or food or anything, it all relied on my hubby's job. Now that shes gone even relatives from far away flocked to see what they could get.... Such a shame.... Even my mother-in-law wanted me to sell stuff..... these items are more sentimental than value. Watch your back deary because they won't stop.... "the greedy just get greedier".

Helpful Answer (6)

I agree that it sounds like you are handling things well. It's amazing and super sad what happens to people when their elders are not able to advocate for themselves and when money is an issue...I have seen it in my own experiences...as soon as someone is old or sick, people start coming out of the woodwork for things...jewelry, furniture, etc. Recently, a family friend's distant cousin drove about 15 hours in a new pick up truck from their home to my friends home..looking to get in...Why? Take a guess? The friend was recently put in a nursing home. Obviously they were going to help themselves to her belongings. It's so awful! Luckily, the friends POA who has the keys, refused to give them to the cross country cousin. Shortly after that, the landlord tried to take my friends bed...she no longer needed it so he and another acquaintance to the lady thought he could take it. They asked her and she said yes....but she has serious dementia and the next day she didn't even remember it and didn't want to give it away. When I asked her about it she said it was the first piece of furniture that she ever bought, over 70 years ago....ugh...it's probably an antique too. People are awful. I called the landlord and told him he could not take the bed. I have learned that people get very greedy when they think they can get something from an elderly person. It's super depressing. Good luck.

Helpful Answer (5)

Good, it sounds like you're doing the smart thing to keep the valuables out of the reach of your grubby relatives. It also sounds like you're doing a good job with your grandmother and have some good support in your aunt and your mom. Overall, it sounds like you've got it well under control.

Helpful Answer (3)

I have a one liner that I have been using..."It's not an inheritance until someone dies!" At that point I just walk off. Interesting how people react when they don't get the response they were looking for. Sometimes it shuts it down other times they just keep pushing. Good luck and just know that you are not alone with this problem.

Helpful Answer (3)

I wouldn't let them in the door! Who needs that stress, especially your grandmother? They bring bad vibes. And yes, put them in a safe deposit box, then when they threaten you, ask them to show you their papers. What a bunch of vultures is right!

Helpful Answer (2)

How very sad. Thankfully, you, your mom, and your aunt are all on the same page. Your grandmother is blessed to have the 3 of you in her life to help deflect those vultures. Got a chuckle out of the messy room comment, though it might be best in a safety deposit box you 3 angels have access to. That way other important items could be added to it as time goes on. Good luck.

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How do you deal with relatives who are no help?

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