Am I worrying too much about my spouse and mother arguing?

NancyH, I think you may be right, he did take a cut in pay when his hours changed (he changed jobs, by choice). So that could also contribute to his anxiety right now.

Cmc, I don't know if your husband not working as many hours was planned or desired, but if he's worried at all about money because of the hourly cut back, then that sure can cause extra worry on his mind which in turn can make him extra touchy. Add the fact that he's home more with your mother, maybe worried about cut back of money, afraid of the whole 'putting anyone you love into a "home"', it would surprise me if he DIDN'T fight or argue more with mom. I agree with the person that said to visit an asst. living place or two, have lunch on them and take a tour. The idea that he has in his head, he's going to find out isn't the demon that he has had ingrained into him.

Very interesting what you say about your husband's attitude. I don't mean to sound as if I'm underestimating your worry, but that part really reminded me of friends of mine - wife is a cat lover, husband definitely not. For 25 years they've had cats, and he's grumbled and cursed and made cruel jokes about them and threatened them with the garden hose… But he retired five years ago, and now when she's away, or at work, or just not looking, guess who does the feeding and clearing up after them and trips to the vet? - and all with not a word of complaint. When I asked him if he'd mellowed in his old age, no - he still hates cats. That's what he said...

I like the sound of your husband. Of course that doesn't mean life wouldn't improve for all three of you if you can find a good ALF for your mother. Why not see if you can get him just to come and have a look at a couple - just looking, not planning - as a first step?

Jeannegibbs, I only had time last night at the end of my workday to mark your answer as helpful. And it was so helpful for me at that moment in time. And still is. You are right, the worst that can happen is hurt feelings. Realizing that did help.

One thing that frustrates me is that when I mention moving Mom to an AL place, hubby resists the idea. He thinks it is a nursing home and his whole family has this unnatural aversion to nursing homes. His grandmother worked in one in the 50s and I feel like they think they are all like One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest or something. I am going to have to get him more involved in discussing the options. Have him look at the adult day care options that are available. He thinks Mom OUGHT to be more involved in making her life decisions but she isn't and never has been, just accepted whatever others decided and did.

I realized during the day that I have some kind of block about trying to make everyone (hubby and Mom) happy. He is right, I am putting her as a higher priority than him and I want to change that. She will still be safe if I don't spend time with her every single night.

I am so glad for the support here. I'm also glad I didn't collapse in tears at work yesterday. My coworkers are supportive but that would have been embarrassing!

TODAY you make arrangements for adult day care on the days when your husband is off. Your husband only married one person. Your mother on the other hand deserves the friendship and company of her peers. You cannot be everything to both of them without conflict.

As far as I'm concerned, your husband is a saint to have the MIL living with him. Any spouse, imo, who agrees to that arrangement deserves a medal. I'll be honest and say that if I were married and the hubs wanted to move his mom or dad in with us, thereby making ME partly or mostly responsible for them, I'd get a divorce first. That would be the biggest deal breaker ever. Your first priority is your husband/family, not your mother. I'd say it's time to start looking around for some new arrangements for your mother. You did say the hubs is becoming overwhelmed. He shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in his own home. If it comes down to the wire, find your mom an assisted living facility where she'll be around others her own age, will make friends and you can visit as often as you like and your husband can have peace and quiet.

I have great sympathy for your worry. Now stop worrying, as Jeanne said!

Seriously, I do understand being caught between two people you care about, and feeling that you have to solve the problem. I always feel torn, and worried about each of them , and angry at each of them. Good luck.

What is the worst that can happen?

On the home front ... is either of them likely to get physical? If not, then I suppose the worst that can happen is hurt feelings. I don't mean to minimize this, and it can contribute to long-term relationship issues, but if you have lived in a dysfunctional household I don't suppose this is new and urgent.

On the marriage front ... How likely is it this is impacting your marriage? If Hubby knows there are some solutions in sight, can he be patient a little longer?

On the career front ... we all do it from time to time, but on-the-job worrying about home issues is not exactly contributing to productivity. How long has this been going on, how serious is it, and how likely is it to impact your salary or even your job status?

It seems to me that TODAY that the biggest risk is to your job. Worrying about what is going on at home is not going to solve that. If you think they might come to blows, take a sick day and go home. Otherwise concentrate on your work and deal with the homefront when you get home.

It does take time to make arrangements for a day program or other activities. And even when you do that Mom will still be home some when Hubby is with her. But the sooner you start and the harder you work at that, the less distracted you will be.

Working and caregiving is a difficult mix, but often it is necessary. Try to compartmentalize your worrying. Try to get your Hubby on your side in minimizing the conflicts. To the extent possible, when you are at work, work.