Should I care for Dad at home or force him into ALF?

If he packed his bags, he is showing signs of delusional thinking. Bringing him home is a very bad idea if you are already stressed. He will play the guilt card to try to get his way. Give in and he will take over your household, he will be angry when he does not get what he wants. He is just as likely to pack his bags at your house and say he is going home. Yes, they forget where home is. They demand a vehicle to drive, with no memory of routes or destinations. Mom insisted that son #2 was driving her car, but her car was sold to others. Wait for the test results, hopefully a full neuro-psych series and some brain imaging. Look on this site, caregivers sacrifice their health for parents. 30% of caregivers end up dying before the patient does. Leave him in the hands of the professionals, and you will survive to spend more time with him.

My dad passed 2 years ago, My Mom ha memory issues and depression. For almost 2 years I took care of her 24/7. I am burnt out and my health has gone downhill. There is a lot to taking care of her. Diabetes, memory, gifting to greedy relatives. It has been a nightmare . I decided to put her in Assisted Living, I want to be her daughter not her nurse and financial watcher, protector, cook, cleaner etc....She has been in 3 months and I am finally feeling better. I have to take care of myself. Everyone told me that and I was adamant about keeping her home. Not sure how far her assets will keep her in there. It is $55,000 per year plus her meds toilet paper etc... But I am relieved to know she is in good hands and the right hands,,,,

Sometimes, though, someone's "last" years go on and on, and on, while what may be the caregiver's last years (of course this is in the case of husband and wife) have no peace or joy in them. Should one person be sacrificed for another (we are not God, only human)? I struggle with these issues regarding placement of my husband, but now when I'm at a point of dreading each day, and feeling fatigued and joyless, I have to think that my life, also, is a gift that I must treasure.

There are many valid points expressed here. As an RN and Elder Care Coordinator, and a daughter of parents who had my Grandmother living with them for 15 years, I have seen and experienced just about every scenario out there and in the process have come to the conclusion there is no "perfect" answer; each situation is very individualized. I watched my Mom change from a very energetic 63 year old to a very tired, stressed out 78 year old we no longer recognized. And, quite honestly, I think my Dad is a saint to have given up all those years with my Mother to accommodate the needs of my Grandmother; he basically lost his wife for 15 years. Unfortunately my Grandmother had no assets, and therefore could not afford AL or anything else. She has since passed and they are just now able to enjoy (I say this loosely) what is left of their lives together.
In re to ALF, our Clients who are in ALF, for the most part, are very happy. It has enabled them to maintain some of their independence, while having someone oversee their ADL's and maintain their safety as well. Granted, nothing is perfect. Your parent could just as easily fall and be injured in an ALF as they could in their own home (or yours). Staff are trained for just about any situation imaginable, and provide all types of care, most of which is not very appealing to family "caregivers".
The feedback I've received from our Clients, for the most part, is they do not want their children caring for them, especially when it comes to bathing and toileting; it is much more acceptable for them to have this type of care come from a trusted stranger, such as the Caregivers at ALF's, than family.
When we get older, dignity and respect are everything, and to be able to help your elder maintain that is huge.
Another thing you must remember is that once an elder reaches the point of cognitive impairment, such as Dementia, they are no longer able to make sound financial decisions, manage their medications, or even choose wisely what they will eat. So to expect them to make sensible decisions regarding where they live is not reasonable either. You may want to take a moment to consider what your parent, in a right state of mind, would instruct you to do. It may give you some clarity and peace of mind in your decision making.

HI,

Only you can make this decision. It wasn't a tough one for me to make because I wanted my husband home with me. I couldn't bare to think of him being away from me. I do realize this is not your husband but one of your parents.

If you go with Homecare, make sure you go with a qualified/reputable company. I was there when Homecare was there. I had Homecare from 12 - 6 A.M. and I was in the next bedroom, down the hall from my husband and the caregiver. I would check on them both regularly. I couldn't help but do this. I didn't want anyone sleeping while watching my husband. Some people might say this would defeat the purpose of having Homecare. Even though I didn't get six hours of sleep, I was still able to get some sleep with Homecare so this was good. My husband recently passed away and I'm happy that he had Homecare and Hospice in the end. I heard several horror stories about ALF and NH. I knew this wasn't the route I wanted to go with my husband. I felt that he deserved better. Also, he didn't want to to go to ALF or NH. I honored his wishes. I'm still proud of myself to this day. Others tell me how devoted I was to my husband. The most important thing is that I believe he would have done exactly the same for me if the tables were turned. God bless him for loving me like 150+ %. I still weep daily because I miss him soooooooooooooooo much but I know in my heart that I did all that I possibly could for him and now he can rest in peace and I have peace of mind. I can only speak from my heart. I hope that my answer to your question is of some help to you. God bless you!!!

Sincerely,
RUBYINRED

I'm going through the same thing with my mother. We've put her in a very nice ALF but she wants to go home. The problem is that when she was at home she kept saying that she wanted to "go home." I cannot imagine the stress of caring for her full time. Even with her in the ALF I'm visiting and "fixing something" every day. She complains about everything. I vented to my brother (who was her primary care taker before the move) and he told me that she was exactly the same way before the move - that Dad (who recently passed away) had to tell her to "sit down and shut up." The ALF provides the best care we can give her without killing ourselves.

The above to entries talk against bringing your father home. But God love him he wants to spend his last years in his home. If he has memory issues it will mean you will need home health aides to help him. However, if his memory is not totally gone, he may do better in the familiar surroundings of the home.
Then you have to weigh how much time you will commit to his care either being there or arranging others to be there. Your husband is a consideration and how willing he is to support you and your dad. If life in the home is all about his needs don't bring your dad home if he will be a source of conflict.

We only get one father, we only have a period of time with him. I chose to make my dad's last years as cheerful as possible and in the home he built for our family. It was never easy--it was always worth it. I would never have been comfortable outsourcing his care to nursing home or ALF. It is a personal chose
to a large extent. The restrictions on my life were more than compensated by
the knowledge he was were he needed to be.
Give it thought and prayer. Assess his health and abilities as they are now. His abilities will decline with age but he may have little time left. Often wanting to be home (packing his bags) are their way of saying they see the end coming.
Take care.

Yes, we all have one father and one mother, and yes, we should cherish them. But at what cost? There has to be a balance. It won't do the aging parents any good if caregivers end up getting sicker than the ones being cared for. So all parties have to make some kind of concessions in order that the best deal is struck. My mom always talked about going home but what she was referring to was her childhood home.

Ferris, maybe her father's "sharp mind" is like my mom's. She can work complicated crossword puzzles, and add and subtract numbers in her head, but she can not remember that she was at my house for Christmas and enjoyed watching and holding my two granddaughters who are 2 1/2 years and three weeks old. She can't remember their names, or even that there is a second one, but remembers obscure crossword clues. Her mind is a real puzzle to me!

This site has been such a source of support through the last months with my dad. The last months with dementia...and it was only 4 months...with 24/7 care took its toll on me and my family. Eventually there was an opening in a wonderful veterans care facility where I envisioned a perfect setting for my dad's final years. Sadly, and without real explanations yet, my dad developed pneumonia and blood infections within the 5 days he was there, and he passed away on Dec. 18th. Those last couple days were heartbreaking, even with hospice helping with decisions in the hospital.
My dad and I were truly best friends and I'm grappling with the trust he had in my decisions. It will take a while for me to sort this all out. I had medicaid attendants in our home so I could continue teaching for the 4 years he was here. I retired last year to look after him as his health declined. Now I feel like I'm in PTSD. One of our hospice social workers told me it was time for me to be his daughter and not his caregiver, so we could reset our relationship before he died. I think that was valuable advice. Now, I have made it through Christmas with my children and grandchildren and I am looking around the house at my dad's things and missing him. He did have a glorious funeral that he and I planned so that was helpful. There are just so many aspects of our relationship that I probably took for granted but I know will never be replaced. Yep, I'm rambling....I just think care facilities are tricky. I have several wonderful years with my dad but I should have sought an alternative earlier, I think, as I feel so exhausted emotionally and physically and there are so many roles we all play that the pressure to kick it back in is expected, but I just want to keep crying my eyes out every day like I have since I placed him in the care facility. It's difficult to know when it's time for an elderly parent to move to another setting. I should have made that decision before the nights became so crazy that we both looked at each other in shock at the 6:00 am coffee time. He couldn't remember what had happened overnight and I had difficulty rallying to forget it. Precious times, but too emotionally exhausting to justify keeping him here so long. Maybe my perspective will change next week. I hope it does. I still have to retrieve his things...and all the Christmas decorations...from his storage area. Anyone struggling with decisions for elderly placement needs to set parameters of how far you can go before your brain and heart get too intertwined. Peace.