My father-in-law lives about 300 miles away in a smaller town. My sisters-in-law that live in the same town are at the end of their ropes. They've tried having him live with them, giving him a place to live while helping him, assisted living apartments, nursing homes, hospitals, etc. He gets thrown out of every place, or when living independently, does things that endanger himself and others. He refuses to follow rules, especially where smoking is concerned. He will smoke ceaselessly, anywhere, anytime, regardless of the rules. He also has oxygen at any given time, which makes smoking even more of a danger. Apparently, restricting his access to cigarettes doesn't even help. Or, he'll act out in other ways, such as dressing inappropriately, urinating in public or on the floor, etc. He refuses to bathe as well. If he has money, he will buy mouthwash or cough syrup to drink, if he isn't able to get beer or other alcoholic beverages. If you don't let him have money, he resents that, too, or will accuse you of stealing from him. He started at least one fire in a rental house after being there for less than a week. In the past when he's come to visit us, he will smoke in the house constantly no matter how often you ask him not to, and tends to leave doors open with the heat or ac running full blast because he "wants some air". This can get expensive and uncomfortable, not to mention risky for our pets and children.
He's been dysfunctional all his life, and dependent on others, at least financially, but he's gotten to a point where he's a danger to himself and others. He's always been pretty inconsiderate, too, but he's taken it to a whole new level. It's almost like an oppositional defiant disorder...and judging by the behavior of his other son and one of his grandsons, it may well be that. My poor sister-in-law is to the point that she's asking my husband and I to try finding him a place to live here, even though the rest of his five children live in the same town. None of them know what to do anymore. My husband feels bad that he doesn't want to have his own father live with us, but he's worried about the stress it would put on our family, and I'm worried about that and safety issues.
I don't even know where to begin looking for him a place to live...he can carry on a conversation and seems perfectly sane most of the time, and seems capable of taking care of himself to some degree. But when left to his own devices, he'll drink himself into a stupor, pee on the floor from the sofa, and start fires with his cigarettes. I'm convinced that this is why many elderly mentally ill people end up homeless...no one seems to be able to deal with people like him.
At the same time, my mother recently had kidney failure, and is about to try home dialysis waiting for a transplant...it's still a very dicey situation, but my dad is doing a great job taking care of her. I hope to be able to donate one of my kidneys to her, but don't know yet if mine would be a good match, if I'm healthy enough, or if my mom will allow it...she's worried I'll have the same problems, but I told her I'd just get another kidney from someone else later if I need it...lol. But, it is a possibility, and it would be major surgery. I also have a five year old to care for.
Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed by the thought of all this...any advice you can give about where to start, what kinds of homes would take him without throwing him out, who to call, what to look for, etc. is greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance for your help!
Rhonda
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I absolutely do NOT want him to live in our house, and I'm pretty sure even moving him here to a place in Fort Worth would be a mistake. I'm willing to take charge of getting him the help he needs and trying to find him the right place to live, even from a distance. Frankly, I'm better equipped to do the research and take care of the logistics than any of my husband's siblings...they're all a little scatter brained, not that they don't have good excuses for it. I've offered to help in that way in the past, but no one ever gets me the info I need.
The geriatric care manager sounds like a GREAT idea...I will definitely look further into that. In the meantime, I'm going to try to get copies of his records so I can at least know where he's been, and what's been done. I resent being asked to help without giving me anything to work with! I'll also talk to the MHMR friend just to see what he can tell me about having him committed, or whatever has to be done to get him the help he needs and a permanent place to stay without getting kicked out.
Again, thank you all so much for your help and kindness!
Rhonda
I know all about Amarillo. I know lots of people there and I know about the social situation and how small town it is, to a great extent. I think what could help is to get a geriatric care manager in to assess the situation. There are 2 in Amarillo, listed here:
It costs $250 for the initial evaluation and advice and then usually around $100 per hour BUT Geriatric Care Managers are WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN GOLD. They know ALL the right resources, they can tell you SIL how to solve the problem and consult on an ongoing basis. They can smooth the way when you hit a roadblock. My mother would not be on the right medication without my GCM.
Your SIL's husband is probably fed up with the drama. This is where hiring the right resource could make a huge difference and take the stress off your SIL.
He used to be a very sweet man, albeit dysfunctional, but he's kind of gone off the deep end over the last year or so. He gravitates toward his oldest daughter, so she's the one who usually has to deal with him. Her husband is completely unsupportive, and the stress us tearing her apart. I really want to help her, just not sure what the best way would be.
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Drugs such as Risperdone often work in these cases. Sometimes they have to be adjusted up to the correct therapeutic dosage. Doctors typically start at the lowest dosage and increase the dosage from there until the optimal effect is achieved where the patient is neither totally zonked out nor agitated, but just somewhere in between, where they can have pleasant days without being miserable from the agitation.