Need help in transitioning my Mom from her home to an asst living center. Any advice?

Let me tell you about my experience. I have started counseling sessions to help me cope with having my Step Mother be a part of my family. She has Dementia. I didnt think that the couselor was helping me as much as I had hoped, until one day I told her a story and my Dr said that my step Mother has a diagnosis of Histrionics and or Narcissism. Growing up with her I could never say anything that I experienced without her saying "thats nothing, this is what happened to me". She always downplayed or negated my experiences. Example, her life was sooo hard. My school life was never like hers because she had to walk 3 miles in the snow. Or she had to take care of her younger siblings. Im an only child. Once I ran into her bedroom having started my period and was scared and confused. She said "oh thats nothing, In my day we had to use rags and wash them out every day". Wow, how supportive. Even before I moved her into my home, Id call her and she would go on and on about what happened to her and maybe, maybe after 30 minutes finally ask me how I was doing. And when I was trying to tell her, she would start in on her life again. I felt like it didnt exist for a long time, and food became my friend. Thats why the counseling was so important.
The Narcissim is when everything revolves around her, being very self centered. She has a hard time recognizing other peoples issues. She points out people who are old or fat and says boy dont I look good. The Histrionics is similar to Drama Queen, or drawing attention to onesself. I remember as a child going to a park with all my cousins and aunts and uncles. Everyone else was wearing jeans or shorts and had plain hairstyles, but Mom had a BeeHive hairstyle, lots of makeup, high heeled boots and tight knit pants. She is well endowed so that made an impression too. She kinda stood out from the rest of the family.
The faking it part? Mom mostly stays in bed, and has for the past year. When I suggest we go for a walk outside she complains, "there isnt a sidewalk" or " oh oh oh my ankle is sooo sore." and starts limping, or " I feel sick, my tummy hurts" or " I.... cant..... walk.... I need to rest for a while." I know full well she can walk, she just doesnt want to. I drove her to a Medical Supply store to buy a walker rollator so she can sit if she gets tired. She didnt know what to do with the walker, and seemed uninterested, but when she sat in the wheelchair and just relaxed, I bought the wheelchair. My caregiver is excited to take her on walks this summer, so I think I made the right choice. I hope this makes sense.

Thanks so much today was a much better day. I am learning all about "sun downing" as I read so much and I'm a big believer in it after going through this with my mom the nights are always when I get most of the complaints. Last night she screamed at one of the aides who came to give her her meds I think for her it's frightening at night and just knowing they all have Keys to her room is freaking her out a bit. So when they come knocking at night she gets scared. I guess that's another adjustment we are going to have to go through.

msdaisy It's amazing how close my mom is following yours. In fact it's so helpful to hear many of the family members going down the same path. Mom's world is smaller now and I'm trying to accept that as she does.

My mother had a similar experience when she first moved. She has always been a very private person, not a "joiner". But eventually she started socializing slowly and developed some relationships. and ultimately became more content. After nearly two years there, she had a stroke and is now in a NH: she talks about her previous place and about how nice it was.

Well we are still adjusting some days are good some not so good. Mom is telling her friends one thing and us another. I guess it's going to take she time. I know this is completely new for her and I expect some bumps in the road I only wish she would partake more in the activities offered. So far from what I have heard she goes down for meals and eats with some ladies she met but that's about it.

My father has been living in Luvida Memory Care for last 5 months and it was not easy to convince him to move there. But when we took him there for the first time; just to see his reaction, he seemed happy and liked the atmosphere. Now he is well adjusted and equipped there.

we just moved my Mom to an alf a week and a half ago and the adjustment so far has been better than we expected. My Mom tends to be a bit narcissistic so I expected quite a bit of complaints but to be honest, the place is beautiful, the food is good and she has her little doggie with her which has made all the difference. We never told her it would be permanent we told her we were "trying this" as it was the safest alternative for her to get her medications properly and eat proper food. My Mom was rejecting any healthy food we would bring her and was eating junk and smoking while at home. Since moving to the facility she has made a few friends that she dines with and while I still get complaints about the most ridiculous of things, most of which have no merit whatsoever she does tell her friends on the outside that she loves it there. I dont think my Mom would ever give me the satisfaction of saying she likes it. Going through this process has been a major adjustment for all of us and while it was far from easy, and at times I reallly thought I wasn't going to make it from all of the stress, it reallly has become one of the best selfless decisions we could have made for her. We are all still aclimating to her being there but every day it does get easier, give it time.

123handsup I wish the best for all of us with our parent's, for whatever the reason, learning how to live some where other than home is hard in any case. All we can do is the best we can, good luck to you and your mothers and fathers, we at least care enough to ask for help and advice from people in the same situation, all of you are angels as far as I'm concerned

Just to add....my mother has been in memory care since June 2013. She continues to ask about going home, getting her dog back (the dog lives with me). I tell her the dr. is working on filling out the paperwork and as soon as that is done you can go home. She accepts this but because of Alz, she asks again..over and over..she will continue to ask as long as she has a memory of her home. Some people don't like to tell what we call "loving lies" but if you tell the truth, you end up with combativeness and more severe issues...so it comes down to how you personally want to handle it. I love my mother and will what I can to make her transition easier for her as well as me. Hugs...Hope this helps.

To Darkells, I get what your saying. My mom does this.....I call it "stirring the pot.." It usually happens when mom is visiting my sibling and then this sibling will text me whatever mom is upset about and tells me "I'm just going by what mom tells me," instead of calling me directly to discuss it. It's soooo irritating! I always take the high road though and don't do it back (when she tells me stuff about my siblings) because it would just start an argument.....and really what's the point? Mom will either deny it or say she doesn't remember the conversation. I'm just tired of it!

It's also part of the reason mom moving to assisted living will be better for the whole family because none of us can ever get along for very long.......we can visit mom when we want to and (hopefully) there will be less of the "he said, she said" bull****! Sound familiar anyone?

When we moved our mother to assisted living (they evaluated her as being able to handle it), because she also has Alz...they provided an escort for her to and from the memory care unit back to her apartment in AL. We did this because there was not an apartment available in memory care. After 6 weeks an apartment became available so we moved her to memory care. Dementia/Alz can come and go with periods of being very lucid to being very confused. You may want to check into moving your parent into memory care...it sounds like this is where she needs to be for her overall benefit and care. Good luck and take care!!

Ok i have read all that was being said in response to this post.....and im kinda upset that some of u think just because it was posted her mom might be faking it who are any if us to critize her thoughts?? Im sure if shes here and posting asking for help she loves her mom and is just trying to cover all scenerios as to getting an explanation to this behaviour. I too have an elderly parent who seems to play one sibling against another to try and get us to agree with his way of thinking....yet he forgets what he has said to each of us....i know even thou one would think when someone has dementia they possibly cant be devious....this is not the case.....please try and understand her comment may be founded in past actions...as i have seen 1st hand how someone with dementia can play with others minds to the point ur suspicions are not unfounded.

My dad complained about not knowing where his new room was located when he arrived at ALF. However, he was also having trouble finding his way to and from my mom's room at his old independent facility.

He shared odd references to them moving him from room to room and also have several rooms (which was not the case.) The assistants at the ALF added a big sign to the seat of his walker with his room number. We originally thought he was faking...but when he'd call me in tears saying he was scared and didn't know where he was, I knew he wasn't. Daddy passed peacefully last November.

My mom is in memory care at the ALF and since Dad's passing, she no longerasks to go home. It took six months, but she's finally happy...as can be expected. It's all tough.

My mom's moving from my home to assisted living in two months. I am concerned about how she will adjust. The center she's going to told me it can take up to three months for a resident to feel comfortable (if ever) in their new surroundings. Not sure if your mom is truly confused or just pretending to be for attention but if I was in a new place and was confused (dementia) before arriving I would think it would take some time to adjust. Also, just a thought, but when she's with you she may be more relaxed and that in itself helps her find her way? Of course, I don't know your mom's personality and anything's possible!

Sometimes I have to figure out where I'm at in our local department store (okay, which way did I come in and how do I get back there? That, and the doctor's office......guess that's why they put those signs up with arrows to "checkout" for people like me! Best of luck to you, Frances87! I hope everything works out for you....so you may find peace.....and for your mom......that she finds her way in her new home and gets used to it.......

It's normal for someone with dementia to go through a period of adjustment where they are more confused that usual. She may just need to get her bearings. When you visit, take your mom to the dining room (or wherever else she may have trouble finding). Don't talk too much. Just point out a few (very few) sights along the way that she can use for guidance. Go slow and, again, don't make conversation, you'll interrupt her concentration.
Also, alert the staff that she's having trouble (they've likely already noticed). They can be on the lookout for her retreating to her room or showing other signs of being 'lost'.
She may well be faking, and if she has narcissistic tendencies, that may be the case. But another possibility is that people with dementia are often able to call on their (limited) mental reserves when their kids are around. I've seen this again and again. Some people seem so much more 'together' when their kids are around. She spent her whole adult life guiding her children. Her 'brain power' in that role can kick in a lot easier than when she's on her own or with staff. Give her time. Often, people with dementia will pair up in really lovely and supportive friendships, filling in each other's cognitive gaps. We all like to take care of somebody, even when we're being taken care of ourselves.

I don't believe she is faking anything, put yourself in her shoes for one minute. I have taken care of elderly people who have made very conscious decisions on their own to go to assisted living and than had a major time adjusting. A women I know has been there over 5 years and still has not been able to except her lose of her own home, it is different for everyone, and you could be the same why when you reach her age, quit looking for reasons of why and start listening to your mom. Maybe she is afraid, what goes threw her mind? How would you like to go to a place like that ? I have my 96 year old mother living in my home I would never want her to have to be anywhere but with family, they put up with us could be a honor to put up with then for a sort time. It is not easy for any of us with aging parent's, I see so many people trying to make a bigger deal than it is, could be that all that's wrong with your mom, is that she's having a hard time losing her own life as she once new it, and than having to start fresh. I'm almost 60 and I would not want to be in her shoes. Starting over anywhere is hard and when you reach your mothers age it does not get easier, I agree with the person that said give it time, believe me it could take awhile, being understanding will help her more than anything else, she's your mom she still has pride as all us mom's do. Good luck and love a lot than cry

Frances87 Mom's been in AL since mid November. I expected her to have a little trouble finding the elevator and going down for meals but with a little coaching she does fine. However, my mom has always done a little 'faking' for attention so I always have to evaluate what I'm seeing. I think she is forgetting most of her tactics though by now. I remember her being with all the family at once and overhearing her say, 'don't tell them I was able to do that, I won't get their sympathy'. That was a game changer at the time. It just helped to clear things up a bit. Now as far as getting your Mom where she needs to go, yes arrows, pictures, etc are all helpful. Timers perhaps, nice ones maybe set to ring like a bell. I wish I'd have set things up a bit more before Mom moved in b/c she isn't letting us add anything that would be helpful, i.e. Bulletin board near her bed for important phone numbers, etc. she is piling everything on her bed...mail, sox, phone books.
Hopefully the staff has a system for new residents, to help them remember. But if not use the kind of things you would with a child...and give her time to adjust. She will. Hugs to you.

Ferris1. Haha you have no idea. My mother fakes most anything. Currently allergic to light in her mind. Faked a flat tire last year. You know if I had to move I would be lost for a while. I helped a friend with her parents in their retirement building. It took them a few weeks. Dining room seemed very far you had to go right then left then elevator then down then out left then right then left. There was no one to ask so if you screwed it up then what? And they don't want to risk appearing foolish or demented or forgetful. I think they would have chosen starvation at first. But they started to stck together with other residents. Like if she's new other residents might keep an eye out for a while. They she will make friends I always remember how they would help each other out of the elevator and say come on honey to each other.

gsw92498 I'm sorry you have had to endure such treatment.

Ferris 1, narcissists will fake to get attention. Not saying this person is, but unless you have lived with one or are very familiar with one, you wouldn't understand what great lengths they go to for attention or manipulation.

If your mother is in need of assisted living, then she must have presented symptoms to her doctor in order to get her assigned there. Why would anyone think an elderly person would "fake" being lost "just to get attention"? My best advice is to leave her alone in her new surroundings, give her time to adjust, and readjust YOUR attitude about projecting your fears and insecurities onto others.

If her disorientation continues, a complete evaluation by a neuro-psychiatrist may be in order. It's entirely possible that she is not appropriate for assisted living but needs memory care.

I doubt very much that she's faking her confusion. It's more likely that she feels more comfortable and balanced when you're there, and that she is able to the more coherent when she is less stressed.

You do need to help her and give her some time to acclimate to her new surroundings. If there's no improvement in 4 to 6 weeks, it's probably time for the evaluation.

Is she being seen by a geriatric psychiatrist to check for depression? This is highly advised, as a little antidepressant medication can be a real help to seniors at this stage. What is the recommendation of the AL staff? Does she have a buddy--a peer who walks with her to the dining room? Some ALs offer for a fee staff that will walk a group of people to meals.

I can't imagine anyone faking being that confused. We had to bring my mother from San Diego to Minnesota after Moms stroke---it was tramatic--meanwhile back at the ranch her sister went into ass. living here. So did my Mom--but she was thrown into the situation by a extreme situation of --a stroke. (mini) My Aunt did alot better. My cousins and I treated my Aunts transition as you would someone first starting school. (all things being at best) We took turns every day being there especially meals. This went on until my Aunt began to make friends---(she's rather shy but she obtained her "gang of girlfriends" and they became fast friends. We all were sort of politley invited to not come around so much. (by my aunt) There were so many activities and we the younger generation were just getting in the way. Find the right Ass. living and give Mom a gentle push---she'll do the rest. My Mom being forced into it was more of a trauma but after 6 months she's starting to be ok with it. Baby steps is the answer--maybe having her go along to pick out new furniture if needed--finding the place after you investigate several--picking out a few Mom might be interesting in. Look at it as a fun thing--with fun going on around her in the future. My aunt once told me I don't know why I fought you kids so much about my new home--this is great---everyone is different but maybe just a few hints you could use.

It is common for dementia sufferers to become more confused after a move. My mom asked about my dad, who had passed away six years ago a few days after her move. Now, several months later, she knows he has died.

The staff at the assisted living center should understand this and step up to help her. For example, they could put a sign near her door handle with an arrow showing her which way to go to the dining room, and a sign outside her door with her name or picture to identify her apartment. You don't say how long she has been there, but give her a few weeks or a month to get used to the routine and the layout. If she is faking, she will probably soon get tired of keeping up the act and move on to some other annoying behavior!