My Mom wants to go to asst living to get away from me her only daughter, Any advice?

Vstefans thank you, yea it is rent from my mom. I plan on going back to counseling. Thanks :)

I was checking out a nearby AL facility, and the person said that they had several units that were occupied as apartments. Those residents didn't need any help, but lived there anyhow and participated however they wanted to in activities and joined the patient residents for meals. If the "apartment" residents develop the need for assisted living they are right there already. Just a thought.

I'm in the hoarder mthr boat. We plopped mthr down in a memory care AL when we rescued her from dementia caused by a bleeding cancer. Cancer's gone, she's not. This is one of the most disagreeable narcissistic hoarding hermits you will meet. AL has been the best thing for *all* of us. We all need our space and our lives, and she has hers separate from ours.

Once we started her on Zoloft in AL, she has turned into a much different person who actually introduces people, tries to give hugs (I'm not getting that close to her tho), and chats with friends at the dinner table. An antidepressant might be a good thing to try - it is something I read about somewhere on Children of Hoarders or another hoarding site. Ask the doctor if he would prescribe it since her anger and hoarding are signs of depression.

Sunflo you could try a little reserve psychology tell her you hope she never wants to leave and how much you would miss her if she does

By all means -- SUPPORT THE MOVE! This might be the best thing and don't take it personally; maybe she realizes she needs more help or is feeling more overwhelmed or paranoid. If she is willing to go/consider, it may be a more positive experience and better chance for success to get her adjusted.

Better yet, this will give you both the quality time you need to spend together vs. constant worry and monitoring and tending to her day-to-day needs. You can give up the care-taking and be the daughter you want to be in her remaining years.

She may be more willing to make new friends and participate -- despite past patterns. My mom is totally anti-social and hateful towards old friends and neighbors but when she was in behavioural center (temporarily); they reported she adjusted and even mom admitted she made new friends "she could relate to and were in her same age and state".

I wish my mom would go and beg her but can only wish that time will come soon.

Marylyn, don't let her paying your motrgage become an obstacle (gifting). Make sure there is some kind of a statement that it is "rent" and fair market value. If all she is doing is buying the right to make you miserable it is time for a change. If you want to contiune as a multi-generation household, get some family counseling on how to not push each other's buttons or if that's not possible, some counseling just for you on how to avoid being guilt tripped when you are not actually doing anything wrong!

special225, let her be antisocial in the assisted living center.

my mom is also anti-social and does not like anyone, I have tried to suggest the Sr center for things she likes to play cards, but mostly by herself, she has her knitting and does crafts, but she likes to be alone, and has always has, when she was in the nursing home she hated it, and wanted to be home, I tried to hire a caregiver but she thew then out. very anti-social.

Pstiergman as always is correct let her go with all the help she needs. This disease can progress so rapidly and she may already be seeing signs in herself that make her want to move.
Marylyn. Your Mom is not going to get any better so the time has already arrived for you to take charge and tell her she is going to ALF not when she chooses but now. Your sanity is not going to survive much longer. As far as cutting off all communications when she leaves that is her choice. It is not good for you, your husband and especially your son to live in the same house as this disruptive woman. It is your home reclaim it.

Most of us here have just the opposite problem. Yes, let her go to assisted living! She will be with folks her own age, and have a lot more social life than she has now. Just promise yourself that you won't bring her back from it, because as the dementia increases she will constantly change her mind. She will try to manipulate things to her advantage. If she wants to move DO IT!

my mom never forgave me for cleaning out her hoarders nightmare over 4 years ago. she died in august and i came back home and promptly burned 95 % of everything i owned. it was all valuable but not to me. a minimalist is said to be as crazy as a hoarder but in complete opposite ways. crazy or not i can live with it. if i ever meet a nice woman we'll have to get her a fork cause i only have one. that wasnt a joke.

ALF may best the best thing for her.
Anyone with dementia will eventually need to live with 24 hour companionship.
As many on this site can attest, it is hard to be the caregiver and loving daughter.
Someone else can be the caregiver, only you can be the daughter.

She may not be able to express it, maybe she does not want to burden you.

I agree with the above answers. Consider yourself lucky that your mom is willing to make this change. If money is not an issue, I think she will benefit by moving now, while she is less confused. You will still be a caregiver for her, just in a different way. I still take my mom to medical appointments, bring her to my home for family gatherings, run errands for her, do her laundry and of course visit. I know that my relationship with my mom is much better than it would be if I was trying to provide 24/7 care. Maybe she knows that it would be difficult and stressful for you to provide care as her dementia worsens and she is looking out for your health.

It will be much easier for mom to make the adjustment now. If you wait it will only become more difficult for her to make the adjustment. As the dementia progresses she will become increasingly disoriented and if she adjusts now, maybe it will be easier for her later.

Special225, Mom's reasons for wanting to go to Assisted Living might be flawed and may be quite painful for you. I am sorry about that. But I suggest you take advantage of her desire to go. If you can influence her, steer her to an ALF that has a memory care unit.

People with dementia generally cannot live alone past the very early stages. She will either need increasing in-home help or around-the-clock help available in a care center. If she is willing to go to a care center now, so much the better.

Be sure the facility knows Mom's hoarding history and her dementia status. It is important to get a good fit.

I am an only daughter also and have the same situation, my mother is angry. she lives with me, my hubby and my 12 yr old son. when I have shown her senior housing apps, she has said "when I am ready I will leave", "I will choose when to leave" I am getting depressed. we argue because she undermines me. I am looking into therapy again for myself. I know she has post traumatic syndrome from when she was a child into teen years but still. she has a head stone already and after she paid a deposit at a funeral home 8 years ago, she now says that she wants to donate her body to a medical school when she passes away. I think she is trying to drive me crazy. I have to call and see how this works, when someone changes their mind after they have already spoken to funeral director and cemetery director. I want my life back but she refuses to leave. she helps us pay the mortgage. She still tries to make me feel guilty about many things. She is good and ready to always tell me what I do wrong as a parent. I need to pray for her. I am sitting here teary eyed. she and I do not like each other. she doesn't speak to her family at all (her 3 sisters, her cousin, her nieces,she has cut off all ties) she says that if she leaves here she will cut all communication with us. my hubby n son should not be cut off like that, if she wants to do that to me, then fine, so be it.

Can you let us know a little more about why she wants to get away from you?

Going into assisted living is not necessarily a bad thing. Many here are trying to get their parent to agree to go into an ALF. She has dementia which will only progress and she will need more and more help.

You say she is wanting to do this to get away from you. Is she angry about you cleaning out her house? I have read that hoarders get very angry when their stuff is removed. Is her paranoia focussed on you? A little more information would help. ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) It is obviously a very uncomfortable situation for you.

To me, an ALF sound like a good idea, so I am wondering what else is going on.

when she was in the nh 2 yrs ago after a fall, she did not want to be there she is a horder, I cleaned up her house the nh would not let her go home until it was cleaned up. she was non compliant in the nh they had problems with her.

Lucky you! I wish my Dad would want to go to assisted living!
Honestly, it sounds like a good idea. They provide transportation; she can maintain her sense of ability and dignity as long as she is capable, and when she is not, they will move her on where she needs to be. It takes the mother-daughter argument out of the picture. Chances are she will listen more to the "experts" than to you anyway!
And I find that as much as I want to take care of my Dad, he really wants me to have my own life and not to be worried about him all the time. I try to let him have what he wants. Works better for both of us.