How do you convince your Mom that it's no longer safe or healthy to go back home from a nursing/rehab to my Dad with dementia?

Even the Lord cannot help those who will not help themselves. You have placed them in the hands of God, and you should also notify County APS to check on them too.

I agree.. God helps those who help themselves.. or however it goes. If they want your help they need to help you. Get The POA, etc. I know you dont want it, but someone NEEDS it before things get worse. And it will... Do not quit your job, lose your house, etc. This benefits noone in the long run, more so with no will, etc. Good luck with this, I feel for you!

Is there a social worker at the SNF where your MIL is now? If so, maybe involving someone outside of the family would start the ball rolling toward POA and changing the living arrangements. Also, have you been allowed to speak with the health care providers for your in-laws? They may be willing to help.

Expanding on the comment about them no longer being who they once were:
Some people do get more obstinate and more demanding as they age. Some of it is probably based on lifetime habits or views, other times possibly by health issues. Things like malnutrition can affect the way we think as we get older, for example. I'm not suggesting that's the case, just saying there are many reasons that people become unreasonable.

Just knowing this probably doesn't make you feel better. But it will hopefully put it into perspective. We can feel bad all we want, try as hard as we can, but we can't force people to do things. And, ruining your own life over it won't make them grateful. When people are stressed and/or just not thinking straight, whether it's emotional or medical, they will not behave in a reasonable manner. Thus, logic is not going to work, doing what they want isn't going to work, blaming yourself isn't going to work.

Do your best. It's a shallow thing to say to you, I know, but I hope by hearing it multiple times from many in this group that it will help you sit back and give yourself at least a tiny, little moment of peace about this. Some days, that tiny moment is all we get (if we even get that).

My mthr chose not to have me in her life but called my husband monthly. When she had a severe need, APS stepped in. APS said that if we did not want to take over, that was a valid choice and they could help. Basically, a state appointed guardian takes care of their finances, places them, and makes the hard decisions. You can still visit and maintain contact, but it's out of your hands. APS knew what a tough case mthr was, and was willing and able to take it on. (we did not go this route, but it was fully explained)

I highly recommend that you enlist their help for a public guardian. That way, when mthr runs out of funds in the NH later in life, the shortfall is handled by the state and not by you. They work with Medicaid and all the safety net programs all the time, and will always be able to. For you to do that would mean time from your family.

You remember Paul's words, "if a man will not work, he shall not eat." This is talking about logical consequences of actions. Rephrased, if she's not going to work with you, then she's not going to have you all to push around. It's a logical consequence. You can love her better if someone else is telling her what to do. God bless.

They are no longer who they once were. They will destroy your health, your financial security, your future, your lives. They need 24/7 care and you need to heal. You can advocate for them much easier when they are in skilled nursing 24/7 and all of you can begin to take your lives back. I know this from personal experience.

To second what AKDaughter says, discharge planning at the SNF should be involved in informing them that it is no longer safe for them to live alone without full time help and talking to them about how that can be arranged, how it will get paid for, etc. You need to talk with Discharge about the fact that there is NO help at home and no, you and your husband will not be moving in to care for them, which is likely what your MIL has told them.

Since this is your mother-in-law you really do not have any legal obligation, your husband does if he chooses. It sounds like the best course of action is to do nothing. Let the chips fall where they may and then when she sees she needs help Medicaid can step in. Walk away as this is a drowning situation for you and your husband. It sounds like you have given your best efforts to no avail. Enough...

I feel for you, it is obvious that you are all in great distress over your in laws, their health and welfare. Everyone has given great advice, sometimes it is easier to give that advice when we are not talking about ourselves or our own personal circumstances. At times like this everyone's emotions run high, nerves are raw and it is easy to get caught up in what is going on.

If your in laws have a close personal friend, lawyer, preacher, anyone other than you "kids" perhaps they could make them move on the will, trust and POA where you are unable to. When they are spoken to a lot of people should not be around, and it should be a low key conversation. Without DPOA there is actually nothing you can basically force them to do and you may have to back off as everyone has said. I know this is easier said than done. Have a conversation with your spouse and tell them how much you love them and make a vow between you two that NOTHING WILL COME BETWEEN YOU, THAT YOU WILL WORK TOGETHER ON THIS AND WALK AWAY IF NEED BE TO SAVE YOURSELVES AND YOUR MARRIAGE. This can and does break up marriages every single day.

In my office we use to have a sign that read, "A lack of prior planning on YOUR part, does not constitute an emergency on MY part." Perhaps this statement is true in many circumstances.

God Bless you and your family. May God grant you peace.

My father was in a skilled nursing home when he lost the use of his epiglottis. My mother was beginning to show signs of dementia, this was 6 years ago. My siblings kept saying that things would all work out and to let things go if that is what my parents wanted to do. My father had been in the nursing home for 100 days and Medicare was no longer going to cover his expenses there. He still needed to be tube fed and was not able to walk. There was no way that my mother was going to be able to help him or feed him, and there was no money in their checking or savings accounts to pay for inhome care. It was recommended to me that we file for Medicaid while my father was still in the nursing home and that he could stay there until we were approved. Once qualified, Medicaid will retroactively pay for three months back. My father did not want to die in a nursing home and I told him this was the only way he was going to be able to go back home. He kept begging that he would sleep on the floor if he had to in order to go home but I did tough love and told him no that mom couldn’t handle it.
So, I stepped in and hired an attorney and got a DPOA put together for both my sister and myself since we were the ones that were the ones that were responding to any emergencies that would happen. We were also the only ones visiting and helping. We both convinced our mother and father that having a DPOA in place was the best thing for them both.
We had to take my father, in his pajamas to the bank, with our mother, and have the paperwork notarized.
We changed the deed on the house to just my mother’s name, we got only him qualified for Medicaid, and after 3 months my father was able to go home. He qualified for 4 hours of care each day and a caregiver came in to help with his showering, bedding and the cleaning of his room. We ended up having to hire the same woman for 4 hours in the evening (at a rate of $10/hour) so that she could help assist my mother in the setting up of his feeding tube and the crushing of his medications to be put in his feeding tube.
He ended up surviving at home for another year.
My parents are very stubborn people and fought tooth and nail to stay in their home and we did the best we could. After my father passed away last year my mother was in the middle stages of dementia and we had to trick her into leaving her home. She is on a permanent vacation at my home now.
It’s been a very tough 6 years for me. My siblings rarely help with the financials, care, or decisions and still figure that what will be will be.
It sounds as though your husband’s siblings are involved to a certain extent.
Discuss all of this with them and see if there is a solution for your MIL.
In the next few months I will be going through the qualification process for my mother for Medicaid so that we can get her into a memory care facility.
Would I have stepped in and done all of this all over again. Probably. Was it easy, no.