Healthcare POA has 4 children listed-what happens if oldest does not notify others of a decision needed?

… those sleeping pills… You know Edvard Munch's painting "The Scream"? That's me on reading that. Ayayay. Phewf. What are they DOING? This is the stuff of my worst nightmares about my bro and SIL.

I don't know if this would work in the States, but I'd call the hospital, ask to be put through to the ward, then ask the nurses' station to page one of my father's team and try to speak to them direct. You may not be POA but you are still a close relative with a legitimate interest in your father's wellbeing - it's worth a try? Obviously (I know you know) you'd only ask direct questions about your father and give factual information about what you know about his health; you wouldn't be critical of others.

Best case scenario, they weren't giving you answers because they hadn't had any results to speak of. Hope you get better news soon. I agree that people will reap what they sow - but I don't see how that helps you stop worrying about your father!

I have always gave them the info on meds but when he took over, he never gave us info of any kind, neither did sister and was even giving them sleeping pills that I'm surprised didn't kill them (Done behind my back). It's not that I'm overprotective of my dad-I just know him and all about him-unlike the brother that went to visit maybe twice a month and never even talked to my dad. I would never withhold info to do with my dad's care and expected them to do the same, but of course they don't until after something happens and it's like pulling teeth to find out. I'm letting him handle things and calling him with questions and concerns when they arise. Was informed this evening my dad was taken to hospital with chest pain-have only received a few texts that they're running tests. When I asked a few questions, I get cut off with "we'll keep you updated." Good thing I'm a Christian and letting God handle all of this as it's his plan to begin with. I appreciate your input but they will reap what they sow one day.

Csllady - this might be hard to do, but if you do know exactly what your father's prescriptions are and you're sure that the others don't, you should give them the information. Bluntly (I know I am being blunt, and I'm sorry) it's in your father's interests for decision-makers to have accurate, current information and nothing else matters - your feelings don't come in to it.

I'm a fine one to talk: I've recently decided against giving exactly this kind of information sheet to my brother and SIL; but, in my defence, that's because I'm afraid of its being misunderstood, miscommunicated and/or misused (my SIL has "form" on this). But if my mother ever does go to stay in their care (over my dead body she will, as things stand, but IF) - then she will arrive with a full clinical history pinned to her chest.

I feel for you. I hear snippets about how "overprotective" I am, and "too attached," and "too close to see what's best for her" - as if I'd do a better job if I were as ignorant of her likes, dislikes and current condition as they are! You're now in a horrible situation of being forced to trust people to get things right when you actually do not trust them to. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you can get the message through soon.

Thanks Countrymouse! I was handling everything for both my parents from 11/2011 until last February when my sister made the decision she was taking over because I got so frustrated. My frustration was with the siblings not helping with anything and my mother who would do the opposite of everything I asked, even down to endangering my father with her crazy stunts. After my sister "took over" it got even worse and my mother was diagnosed in 2012 with senile dementia, but since I was the youngest-2 of the 3 thought they knew more than the docs and barely visited. One lived local and the other in FL. My mother fell in October while being over-medicated after she had went to a doctor without us knowing and her meds were changed. She fell and two weeks later passed from all the complications. This week we had to place my dad in a facility because their money is about gone and really didn't have a choice. It's been a really hard week and I have always been very close with my dad, unlike the other two who don't even know what meds he takes or what they are for. It's so ridiculous but hoping things will start to get better soon. It's heartbreaking for me & the one brother that have our dad's best interests at heart. I imagine things will soon come to a head unfortunately, since some choose to do things out of greed, having control and ignorance instead of love. I will do whatever it takes to be sure my dad is well taken care of & appreciate your input.

csllady I see what you mean. Well, if you are at least on reasonable terms with POA sib then try to get into the habit of calling him regularly for updates so that he gets used to your being involved. This might make him slightly more likely to think of consulting you if something major comes up.

I can see the difficulty from both sides, not least because I am my mother's main (read: sole) caregiver and I imagine my siblings probably feel the same about my decision-making practices. My problem is - they're not THERE! So when a decision needs to be made, and it's more or less a here-and-now one, what should I do? Added to the logistics, there's also the point that although I do update them, I get very little feedback. I often feel like saying: "want to know more about how mother's getting on? Meet me halfway - express an interest!" There's nothing I'm not happy to discuss with them, but I have no idea how much they want to know. And sometimes explaining the background to a given decision would mean having to fill them in on about 3 years' worth of medical notes - there isn't time.

So, to repeat, keep calling, keep asking, make sure he can't possibly think you don't want to be as closely involved as possible. But in the end, one person does have to make the decisions; and for better or worse he's it. As far as you can, support him.

Looking ahead, would he agree that he doesn't know your (and presumably his?) father well? If so, and you can touch on the subject without rancour, I expect there is a mechanism for his resigning medical POA in favour of the next sibling in line; you could try broaching the idea.

You're right palmtrees1-oldest doesn't mean the best. Sorry to hear of your situation. What's sad is I'm the closest of all 4 to my dad and they don't know his meds, conditions, likes/dislikes, etc. except 1 but he doesn't know meds or conditions really. Guess it goes back to the scripture of you reap what you sow and I have to trust in that. If he doesn't do what is required of informing us, he will reap the consequences. Thanks for the input!

csilady, the root of your problem is in who is in charge and his personality. Probably not much you all can do with him except to talk to him, nicely, about how much it would mean to each of you to be included and given all current information. That said, it seems you can do very little else.

My brother is exactly like yours but in my case I am not included at all. And he let me know things would not be 50/50. So I am just out of the loop and at this point am not obligated to do much. Good luck to you.

We all speak to the oldest sibling but he's not a good communicator that volunteers information. He has a big ego and doesn't see that it's always necessary to ask anyone's opinion. We have been told that if more than 1 POA is listed for healthcare that they (by law) have to use the first one listed as the main contact. This poses the problem as these 4 were listed before it changed in NC that 1 healthcare agent is recommended. I will visit my dad often and stay in close touch with staff, but this doesn't mean that the oldest will inform us of decisions until after he makes them and tells staff-then it's too late.

You can keep in close contact with the NH and asked to be notified of any changes in his meds, behavior etc..Make sure you visit often..

Sorry - also, what do you mean when you write "…the oldest (by law) wasn't keeping the other 3 informed…" That the POA process put the oldest in charge? That he/she was legally correct in maintaining medical confidentiality? I'm not clear.

Would I be right to think that you're not on good speaking terms with your oldest sibling?