I recently had to place my 95 year old aunt in an assisted living facility. She had fallen & broken her hip in October followed by a hip replacement. It was a full time job researching facilities, calling, visiting, interviewing, you name it. I found a wonderful facility but each time I visit her she says "This place is killing me!" or "Why did you bring me here?" or "You never asked me where I wanted to go! I want to go home! I can take care of myself!". Today was the worst when my 87 year old mother & I tried to pay her a visit & it ended in a shouting match between my mom & aunt, my aunt screaming "You don't want me anymore! My own sister!". When I speak to the staff they all say the same thing: "I'm shocked! Your aunt is adorable! Everyone loves her!". Am I crazy? She keeps saying she's going to walk out the front door someday & find her own place to live. It's just so awful. Christmas Day was by far the most depressing one we've ever spent. My poor 12 year old daughter should not have to experience this sort of behavior at this point in her life on what's to be a joyous holiday. How do I talk to my aunt? How do I respond when she shouts at me & my mother? Any words of advice are greatly appreciated. I cringe each time I'm on my way to visit her then when I come home & get deeply depressed. HELP!
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Read some other threads on this site if you haven't already, about elders who think their own kids are stealing from them, calling them a dictator, etc. Theres definitely a lot of anger and name calling others are enduring... and figuring out how to work around. I hope your aunt really loves it there, it sounds like she does. So you made a great choice. Also, you could try asking the Dr who advised you to visit her and talk. Good luck! Lisa
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You are doing what you need to do. You are doing what is best for your aunt. That doesn't mean she'll automatically appreciate it. She resents needing you, and she is taking it out on you. You know it is not your fault. Stay strong!
Putting curlers in her purse and having no money does seem to indicate some kind of impairment. Do you think she has ever been evaluated for dementia? Are you her health care proxy?
Regardless of the answers to these questions, I agree with those who urge you to leave if she starts screaming at you. Don't do it in anger and be as matter-of-fact as you can, but don't stay around for it. "Auntie, I can see that you are upset right now, and your screaming is upsetting me. I'll be back on Wednesday and I hope we'll both be calm then."
I don't like to add further challenges, but I can't help thinking there are a few puzzles here. How come you suspect dementia but "haven't been told directly"? - haven't you asked? She was in a wheelchair and fragile, so you weren't happy to take her to view ALF's with you - but they were ALF's, not theme parks: was there really no way? And I'm sure you wouldn't dream of taking a penny of your aunt's money, but who is paying for the ALF? Are you? Is your mother?
You seem to be acting with the authority of next of kin for your aunt; but has she in fact authorised you to act on her behalf? I'm just wondering if this is where her otherwise inexplicable resentment of all your hard work might come from.
Threatening to leave is very common but if you notice when you visit your aunt, there aren't elders lining up to get out the door. It's a shame that our elderly loved ones continue to live on and on until no one can possibly care for them anymore. Gotta love modern medicine!
But don't subject yourself to your aunt's temper tantrums. That the staff hasn't seen them is no surprise. The bad behavior is usually reserved for family.
Other than that, normal boundaries apply. You wouldn't sit still as a guest in anybody else's house and allow yourself to be shouted at or abused, so why are you taking it when you're a guest in your aunt's room? You make your polite excuses and leave; nothing terrible will happen; and with luck your mother and daughter will follow your example.
I'm sorry your young daughter's Christmas was spoiled (I hope not entirely); but she's not so young that you can't explain to her that for some people extreme old age is a frightening and upsetting time. All learning experiences have some value.
You have worked very hard to help your aunt find a safe, comfortable place to live. I do wonder how closely you involved her in choices and decisions? Is it possible you're on the receiving end of her resentment, instead of the thanks you (quite understandably) would have expected?