Of life and death...What's next?

My dear father passed away in October. I'm just getting around to writing some thank yous and communicating in general. I am still the caregiver for mom.

Dad's passing was followed by a whirlwind of insanity. While we thought we had a will, it apparently was not considered "legal." Both our car payments were in dad's name. Once the death certificates went out... they were both repossessed. It didn't matter that payments were up to date. Stuck in the middle of rural NY we took the money for the burial plot and bought a cheap car. Mom and I thought it would bother us to have dad's remains in the house... but we were wrong.

Our home loan is in dad's name as well, though mom is named on the deed. We worry what will happen. We pay the mortgage faithfully and have put the house on the market. It would be grand to move closer to civilization and not worry about upkeep. We are on a list for senior housing and have decided that when we get the call, we will move. We cannot afford two places, so once again worry stalks us. What happens if we sell the house, and there is no housing openings?

We have applied for foodstamps and HEAP because now we only have half the income since dad's passing. It is taking foreveeerrrrrrr. I work a part-time job because mom needs help with daily care. We can't afford an aide. We have used of our savings just to live. Many folks think that only lazy people, addicts, and drunks use social services to support their habits. This is not true. I have worked my whole life and paid outrageous income tax as a single person. I would like to think that there is some help for me, now that I am in need.

Hindsight is a great thing. Mom and I have just bought life insurance and named each other as beneficiaries on checking accounts. I've contacted legal aide for help with the house and getting our own wills drawn up.

Grief comes in waves. I miss dad so much. The comic relief, the intelligent conversations. He was my go to guy when I needed a break from caring for mom. He loved her very much and mom is finding it hard to face each day without the love of her life.

Dear God, some days I am just so tired. After a day of secular work, my day is just beginning at home... you caregivers know what I mean. Still, I walk by dad's empty room, and miss his daily care routine. I miss him calling me in the middle of the night when he needed something. I worry about not giving mom my best because I'm exhausted physically and emotionally.

The last words we shared were, "I love you." We were blessed in that, and that he was able to die with dignity at home. Dad would want us to be secure and find some happiness until we are reunited.

I'm trying not to worry too much, but can't help wondering... what's next?