I have been taking care of my mother solo for more than five years now. I live with her in her home and have to do everything for her as she is no longer capable of caring for herself. She, however, can use the toilet alone and without help but everything else is left up to me. I wait on her all day long up until her bed time and then she stays up much later than I do, so I am forced to lie in my bed, eyes wide open waiting for her to call me to help her to bed. I am exhausted and extremely depressed. I would like to work part-time but she has made me feel guilty about leaving her for any length of time. I can not hire caregivers as her income is small and wouldn't cover what a caregiver would charge by the hour. Sometimes, I just get up before dawn and take a ride in my car to buy a cup of coffee and pray that I won't go insane. I have no social life, and no one to vent to when I really need to talk. I am thankful for this site as the stories I read here have given me hope to keep going for another day. I am a Christian and it is all I can do some days to just pray as I go about my chores taking care of her. My son lives here as well and has a 2 year old daughter who spends more than half of the time living in my mother's home with us. My son is a good father and helps around the house as much as he is able but complains if he has to wait on my mother. In addition to taking care of mom, I also help out with the baby. I feel like I am burning the candle at both ends. My brother and his wife will not accept any responsibility in helping me nor do I have any resources in the community to rely on. I am so very depressed even though I take pills for depression and an anti-anxiety pill. I wish I knew what to do. At times I feel like life is not worth living as each day is the same waiting on my mother and being made to feel guilty that I am not doing enough to help her. Thank you for letting me vent.
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My mom lived with us for just a few months and I couldn't take her extreme control. It was awful. I finally gave up the F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt) and placed her in a nice AL.
Is she happy? No. Did she adjust? Yes.
My mom is one of those people that will NEVER be happy unless we can time travel back to 1978 when she was young, my dad was alive and she had her own house. Until I invent that time machine, she will never be happy. :)
Please keep in touch, whatever you decide. It's an ongoing, ever changing process and we're here to support you. God bless you and your mom.
I'm sorry that things seem so hopeless, but there is help available. Start by calling your county Social Services and ask for a needs assessment. They can help you with information about financial aid for Mom so she can afford some of the care she needs.
Also, please call the doctor who has prescribed your medications and explain how you are feeling. Sounds like you are overdue for a change in meds or in doses. Feeling better will help you cope better.
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Your antidepressant may not be effective because your depression is not so much chemical in nature as it is situational. Just a thought. The only way to find your way out of the depression may be to make a change in your life. Since you live with your mom where would you go if she went into a NH?
If your son and DIL have a baby they may not be able to help you out much as they already have someone they're caring for 24/7. When my dad lived with me and my daughter I didn't expect my daughter to do much caregiving. That was my job. My dad, my responsibility. She'd help if I asked her but I didn't ask very often. She had her own life and I didn't want to put the burden of being a caregiver on her. No one really knew how awful I felt everyday, how unhappy I was.
I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you spoke up. Keep writing.
Although your depression does sound rooted in your depressing situation, the meds should be helping. You also need to see a therapist to help you deal with the situation that you are in and to find some freedom from the emotional blackmail of guilt. You are not your mother's slave although it seems that your mother sees you as the chosen one for that role. Seek to live guilt free. Take control and take care of you.
Your parent could live another 10 years. Medicaid will take the house, and there you will be, 58 or 67 years old, with no recent jobs on your resume. You will have to live under a bridge until you qualify for SS. This is not what your parent had in mind for you when you were a child.
Get help from the local Area Agency on Aging to find resources to give you at least time to get a job and earn some money. You deserve to have a life, and you need some income so your children aren't writing the same letter to us about you in 10 or 20 years.
God bless you both.
I sympathise with how vulnerable you feel financially. There I'm in a similar position, but that's because I can't both work and look after my mother, and I've chosen to do the latter: I don't have additional family responsibilities, and I don't have a mother who expects me to wait on her hand and foot and take no time for myself. In my case everything I do is voluntary: it's not the same as the extreme pressure you're under.
In your place, here's the order I'd do things in:
1. Contact your local social services and find out what kind of support and financial help your mother might be entitled to, and what might be available to help you as her carer, too.
2. Put your CV together. Scan the internet, local papers, notices in shops, etc etc for job opportunities that would interest you. Leave your CV with suitable employment agencies. Start small if you prefer - even a part-time job, even one that you're hugely overqualified for, would still give you a schedule, get you out of the house, and put a little bit of your own money in your pocket - it would boost your morale beyond measure.
3. Remember that you are the lynchpin of this household. You are the person who holds it all together. Therefore your time needs take priority. Your mother probably won't like it. Well, tough. It's your decision, not hers, and you will still make sure that no harm will come to her.
4. Similarly with the family timetable. Someone needs to co-ordinate it and see how it's going to work best for everyone, and it should be you who calls the shots. I'm not one who thinks it suddenly becomes ok to tell your mother what time to get up, eat her meals and go to bed - she's not a child; but there needs to be compromise and your mother will have to give and take just as you do. My mother's a night owl, too; I could still do with her going to bed an hour earlier than she likes to - but so far I've wheedled her down from one in the morning to around about eleven at night, and I'm working on it.
Of course, I don't know how much help your mother needs with getting ready for bed. Is it actually unsafe for her to do it for herself, or just a matter of things not being done perfectly? If the latter, stand your ground, tell her you're going to bed at x:00 pm and she either gets ready before then or she's on her own. If the former: this is sneaky, but try getting her up earlier, making her a warm drink an hour or so before bed time (no DON'T put a slug of brandy in it - however tempting!), just subtly shifting the timetable towards more humane hours.
This is a FAMILY - everyone has to pull together. As head of the family now, it's for you to make sure they do.
And above all, stop pretending you don't have needs. You do. And they are NEEDS. Which means if they don't get their fair share of attention the whole house of cards will sooner or later collapse. Hope some part of this helps, good luck x
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