I gave up everything to take care of mom (90) with no help and I'm treated like I'm the bad one. Any advice?

The other day I was pushing my mother around the grocery store and she started ranting about how useless my husband is. After my efforts to get her talking about something else failed, I finally just wheeled her toward the door and told her we would wait in the car till my husband and son finished their shopping... and by the way, put back those peanuts because I know you didn't bring your purse with you. You know, come to think of it, she hasn't had a bad word to say about my husband since then. :o)
I've found that if you quit listening to the negative and don't argue, my mother can be pleasant to have around. If I get defensive she just argues more. If I leave when she starts and come back later we can have a better conversation about something else.
Maybe that will work for you. Also, when she starts talking bad about my husband (who is really good to her!), I remind her that he is my husband and I love him and I am not kicking him out, nor am I leaving him, so we will all just have to get along because this is how it is. I also remind her that I love her and am not kicking her out either. We're all in this together. That is, till I have enough and run off to Mexico with the pool boy. Have to get a pool first, though.

Your mom is trying to control you and doesn't want anyone else in the picture, because that lessens HER control. Stand your ground now and set good boundaries with your mom, or you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain.

Marry him if he's a good choice, but not if he's just a choice to get away from mom. What will you do when you get married? I hope she's not going to live with you, if she hates your new husband. That's a recipe for one bad environment.

How in the world did you find the time to date anyone to marry? Good for you and she is being so selfish that you need to get away from her. Hopefully you intended husband-to-be can improve your situation. Congratulations and wish your mother well, but get away from her toxic personality!

Get married anyway, live your life to the fullest.

Please do get married. I am in the same boat and learned that whether I do what she wants or don't do what she wants she doesn't approve, is critical and nasty...so you might as well help to ease your own burden by trying to keep those close to you who matter and who support you. Sending warmth and hugs...I am desperate for some of that myself today

Unfortunately, there's one more thing to give up and that is any expectation of being appreciated. Has your mother always been unpleasant? If not, perhaps her doctor could prescribe something to take the edge off her nastiness. Otherwise, get away from her and leave her to people who know how to handle her behavior without getting emotionally involved. Good luck and God bless.

The last two years of my Mom's life were very difficult for me and sound so similar to what you wrote. The thing is that her little comments were here and there... I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until over time, it just became overwhelming.

Fortunately, I have a loving man in my life who lost his mom at age 9. He was so encouraging to me to spend as much time as possible with my mom and he would laugh with me at the outrageous nasty things she did. She was mostly always negative and nasty about him too.

Now she's gone and when I saw your post, you reminded me of the reality of caring for my own mom. My blessings go out to you. It's a huge challenge. Keep people around you who are supportive, understand and help. Take care of yourself. Take time for you!

Just want you to know... I can relate. At the end of time you will have the kindnesses you shared with her and the good people around you.

Now I'm going to go practice being positive too, so I won't be that way to my kids. It's a challenge because they keep pointing out to me how I'm not so positive myself.

I'm shocked... but I think they may be right. It's so easy to be crabby sometimes.

Your mother is afraid that you getting married will take attention and time you have cared for her away and that you will focus all of your time on your new husband. She sounds like she feels threatened and and afraid she will be alone and maybe have to go to a nursing home? Unless you plan to take care of her after you are married. God Bless you and I hope you find a solution to your situation. Mom sounds jealous of any relationship you have and that is not a good place for you to be at.

I know how you feel. My Mother never wanted me she only wanted my younger siblings. As a matter of fact she has told me several times " isn't this a funny thing the ones I wanted don't want me. But the one I didn't want is taking care of me." The only thing you can do is take control of your own life and be the one to take charge if you are her only means of physical support be it medical of monetary she needs to understand that you are no longer a child of under 18 and she has to appreciate the things you do for her and your life is just as important as hers. You do not owe her anything! You are taking care of her out of the kindness of your heart and doing this has made you the way I was. Your heart is not there for the breaking.

She's got her life. You got yours. Live your life to the fullest. Age makes other people lose their sense of reasoning. Garbage in, garbage out.