I feel dejected. If I've made mistakes in my actions, please be gentle with criticisms. I'm alone in this and doing my best for my mom. No one is as hard on me as I am. Here is what happened.
My car was being serviced yesterday because the brakes were bad. From there, I went directly to Albertson's to pick up some groceries for mom. I got to her house at about 3:30 or 4:00 pm. She met me at the door in a heightened state of anxiety: crying with no tears, speaking in a shrill, rushed way, making no sense. All I could get out of her was: "There's been trouble here in the house." "There were people in the house"
As I put her groceries away for her and prepared her medications, I tried to calm her down enough to tell me (as best she could) what had happened. I went back to her bedroom to put her meds in her adjoining bathroom and saw a pink slip of paper sticking out of the circuit breaker box. The paper was from an electrical company, and said something about a permit at our address. I called every number on that paper, but got no one on the line. Ultimately, I went next door to talk to the neighbor. When my mom heard me say that I was going to do this, she confessed that she had gone over there earlier. (She hadn't wanted to tell me this. Then told me when she realized I was going to find out anyway.)
I went next door, was warmly invited in, and told that Mom told them she had no heat or power, They sent their teenage son over to check it out. He couldn't figure out what to do, so they called his father who's in his mid-60's and not living there anymore. He couldn't figure out what to do either, so HE called an electrician. As I'm listening to this, I still have no idea, really, what they've done, I only know money has been involved. I ask to see the bill. I was thinking I would be handed a bill for about $200, tops, (and that being an over-inflated amount). I was wrong. The bill was for replacement of a Siemen's 200 amp main breaker, a permit, a trip fee of $160, and 3 hours labor. All totaled, the amount came to almost $800. The neighbor paid it by check. I took the receipt, and to say I was stunned would have to be the understatement of the century. I told the neighbor I couldn't pay him right away. Had to at least call the bank and juggle funds or something. Honestly, I was in shock. I got to the computer repair shop that my husband and I own by 5:00 pm and told him everything I've just told you. Showed him the bill. He went through the roof. My husband was a roofer/construction worker for over 20 years and has experience in all facets of home repair. He holds degrees in related areas, (don't ask me which, I can't think right now.) He said that it was outrageous, that the work performed did not need to be done in the first place and the prices charged were exorbitant He said I was not to pay a penny of it.
We contacted the electrician on the emergency number and left a message. He phoned back about an hour later, and got extremely offended and fought with my husband. My husband also phoned the neighbor to request that they stop payment on that check because we dispute the entire thing. They in turn yelled at both my husband and then me. I was told that I am abusive to my elderly mother. Upon hearing this, my temper flared. They do not talk to my mom (until that day) or me. To call me "abusive" is the ultimate insult and hurt me enormously. I have my mom on my mind 24/7 and for 20 years now I have done everything I possibly can to help her. The neighbor and electrician had no right to enter that house much less make any kind of decisions about what was to be done in there. I have Durable Power of Attorney for my mom for the past twenty years because she is incapable of making most decisions on matters like this. The neighbor knew she was "not all there" (his words to me yesterday.)
I must have missed them by no more than an hour. I appreciate that they tried to help, and I am sorry that they could not reach me on my phone (reception goes in and out). But had they waited for me, I would have handled this, and would not have laid out that much money. My husband would have done the repairs, or one of our associates (a certified electrician).
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18 Answers
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If the estimates you get come close to the $800, then give them the full $800 to reduce hard feelings. It's worth $100 to have good relations with people who are in a position to safeguard your mother.
They were wrong but they meant well.
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Sounds like you are covering your bases in the case of another episode. It all is so unfortunate and so avoidable. You are right - they should have called 911 if they really thought you were being abusive. I know this kind of stuff is exhausting. Take care of you
Well, *SIGH*, I'm really sad that things went down the way that they did. My neighbors do know my mom's condition, and have known that she is mentally unstable since 1997. Although I absolutely do believe that they acted in what they felt was the most helpful way possible, I also agree with some of you, in that they completely crossed a boundary that you just don't cross. They knew that my husband can do whatever work needs to be done in the house.....they watched us demo the kitchen last summer to stop a bad water leak that had rotted the flooring. I found black mold....we had to tear everything out and rebuild it. We did all of the work ourselves, and saved my mom about $15,000 easily.
One thing about my mom: she likes a warm house. Always has. And when I say "warm", I mean when you walk in the door you're gonna break out in a sweat in under five minutes. Also, this house keeps heat in like no house I know. I assure you, my mom wasn't shivering under blankets, and was in absolutely no danger at all. I was at her house only four hours from the time that she got out of bed.
I know the electrician that the neighbor called is a real price gouger. My mom would never have told them to use him because my mom has never in her life had to contend with things of that nature.
As far as I know, the neighbor did not stop payment on the check. When we called them, we were very nice to them. Had no reason not to be, But they were entirely unreasonable, not wanting to discuss the matter, but instead, wanting to shout over the top of us. When their words became injurious, I gave up. I wasn't going to engage in a shouting match. And I didn't feel I or my husband deserved to be subjected to what was coming from their mouths. Being told that I am "abusive" is total crap, and they ought to know it. If this is how they REALLY feel, then I wish they would have dialed 911.
When I've cooled off (give me a few more days)....I will write them a check. But not for the amount charged on that bill. I will call local electricians and get the lowest estimate of three, and this is what I will pay.
In the meantime, I have a sign just inside the front door. It's not visible unless you walk inside, On a dry erase board I wrote:
"Warning: No services of any kind (except those that address life threatening emergencies" are to be performed at this address without first obtaining authorization from (me and/or my husband). We will bear no burden of payment for services rendered that we did not expressly agree to. Further, if you are in this residence, you are trespassing (and you are also on camera). " Signed my name and added every contact number I have.
They didn't try to reach me very hard. Not in that short a time frame. We were only dealing with about five hours, tops.
I'll let you know how this turns out. I'm at mom's house tonight, and am worn out. I know you know the feeling. Thank you again.
Then sit back and take stock and, please please, will you stop beating yourself up for two minutes?
You are doing a MOUNTAIN of work for your mother. I know how awful you think this looks - ohmygod her neighbours think I leave her to freeze to death in the middle of January in a house with no electricity and that she has no one in the world to call on - but, honestly? It's a fleeting embarrassment, but that's all it is. Everybody in this scenario was out to help your mother - not necessarily with a due sense of proportion, but they were. Nobody is the enemy. Chalk it up to experience, use it as an opportunity to make friends with your mother's helpful neighbour (take her flowers or something) and let her know what to do in an emergency (e.g. swap phone numbers), the neighbour might also have some important tales to tell about previous unreported events (maybe she "didn't like to interfere" and has been bottling worry up) - good things can come of this incident if you make it happen. Good luck x
I am sure you can sort this out when tempers have cooled. If you feel your mother should no longer live alone follow the advice given above and find a suitable care facility for your mother.
You did not do anything stupid and I see no reason why anyone should yell at you. All things have conspired to create a difficult situation. Hopefully everything can be sorted out with the neighbors and your husband calms down. Mom's money if she has any can be used to pay this necessary bill
One of the lessons for others on here is if your loved one has diminished mental capacity and is alone in their house, make sure the neighbors have a clear understanding of what to do in an emergency and a couple or three or four back-up numbers to call.
I'd try to get the neighbors to stop payment on the check and be nice about it. They did what they thought was right in the heat (or lack of heat) of the moment, trying to help their elderly neighbor. You can fight it out with the electrician, but don't be too hard on the neighbors. And set up a bulletproof emergency plan if your mom is going to continue to live by herself there. Lesson learned...
You've told them to stop the check, and told them you were disputing the charge. You should tell neighbor you are not reimbursing them since they shouldn't have authorized the work knowing your mom is impaired and has you.
Hope the doctor visit goes well. You have many options, in-home care, memory care facility, etc. I hope mom can be encouraged and doesn't think that because of this last mishap she's being punished and sent to a facility. Do your homework and visit some places without mom first. Then narrow down to 1-2 and take her to visit and for lunch, maybe some welcome activities and enlist her opinion. Reassure her you will visit often and you will still have lots of quality time together and she will be able to relax and not worry about maintaining a home but enjoying life like she deserves.
Good luck
I will be going back over to my mom's today, of course. Her doctor (I found one who makes house calls) will be meeting me there at 4:00 to see how things are going. She comes once a month. I had intended to talk to her about ramping up my mom's care to the next level, and seeing what options are available, as it is becoming increasingly hard for me to bare sole responsibility for my mom much longer (and this incident illustrates that fact quite well.) I am there with her over night 4 nights out of seven every week, I pay her bills, I ready her meds, I make her dinner and lunch, I take her to her appointments, I wash her clothes, I clean her hands and feet, I remind her to brush her hair and teeth, I do my best to engage her. Sometimes I think that I fail when my patience runs thin, but I do believe that I am doing more for her than most would. I have a sister who is local, and she doesn't even know our mom has dementia. The only contact she wants to make with us is sending an obligatory card on holidays and she sees us at family funerals. (We've seen her two times in the last 15 or so years.)
I'm going back to mom's today. Her doctor will be meeting me there at 4:00 to see how things are going. She comes once a month. I had intended to talk to her about ramping up my mom's care to the next level, and seeing what options are available, as it is becoming increasingly hard for me to bare sole responsibility for my mom much longer (this incident illustrates that fact quite well.) I'm there with her over night 4 nights out of seven every week, I pay her bills, I ready her meds, I make her dinner and lunch, I take her to her appointments, I wash her clothes, I clean her hands and feet, I remind her to brush her hair and teeth, I do my best to engage her, and more. Sometimes my patience runs thin, but I do believe that I am doing more for her than most would. I have a sister who's local. She doesn't even know our mom has dementia. The only contact she wants to make is sending an obligatory card on holidays. She sees us at family funerals. (We've seen her two times in the last 15 or so years.)
Please.....your thoughts. I need some opinions, advice, encouragement. I'm devastated by this whole episode, and before this I was already distraught because I am watching a swift decline in my mom and know I am losing her. Please help me.