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Hugedoof Asked January 2014

My Mom's in a NH. When I visit her, she is belligerent, manipulative, tells lies, tearful etc. Any advice?

My Mom's in a nursing home.I don't want to visit my mother in the nursing home. She was placed at a very nice rehab facility after a recent bout (we've had multiple bouts of this illness pattern) of pneumonia, UTI, conjunctivitis, congestive heart failure, atrial fib etc. She experienced delirium for about 4 days while in the hospital and she needed to have a nurse sit with her 24/7. She has vascular dementia (small vessel disease). She is belligerent. She is manipulative. She lies, i.e., lies about her finances, lies about her health issues etc. I have POA, but I keep uncovering more financial disasters, unpaid accounts etc. She then starts to whine and tells me what horrible care she is receiving. I'm a horrible son and she should have left me to die on the sidewalk when I was born. She can't walk without assistance. She urinates and defecates in her clothes. She defecates in the shower - when the facility insists that she get cleaned up. She refuses basic grooming assistance. I've paid for the hair styling, but she says the hair stylist never showed up, whereas I find out she threw the stylist out of her room. She then becomes very child-like and starts the "I'll be in here forever; I'll just wither up and die." I am working on her medicare spend down, irrevocable trust for funeral arrangements, a guardianship. The nursing home invoked her health care proxy with the following open-ended dates - vascular dementia, personality disorder, mood disorder, alzheimers disease. At this time, I just DO NOT want to visit her and go through the same series of complaints and whining. Any input into this? I don't mean to appear harsh, but my visits are nightmarish and no matter how I try to turn the conversation into a positive interaction, it gets us back to the above - or - the assassination of the Russian Tzars at the onset of the Russian Revolution. Any insight?

Jinx4740 Jan 2014
Andrew, We don't know if his mother loves him. Some mothers never did.

Hugedoof, did your mother love you when she was well? If so, then remember that, because your "real" mother would never act like this.

If she didn't love you, remember that it's her failure, not yours. Not all women are equipped to be mothers, but the minimum job requirement is to love your child.

Please don't expect to have a rational conversation with her, because she is no longer rational. Maybe the right drugs could help. Pester the doctors to find the right drugs.

My BFF's mother had borderline personality disorder, and was a poor mother in many ways. She said similar cruel things. My bff hired me to visit her mom. She wasn't my mother, so it didn't bother me when she criticized me. I would just laugh, and then she would too. She was nice to me because I was fond of her. Is there a person other than you who could go and visit? I know it might not work in your case.

Calm down as much as possible. Visit as rarely as you want. Take someone with you for protection. Ignore almost everything she says. Remember she's a pitiful old woman whose life is almost over. If you can feel pity for her, you might be able to upgrade to compassion. She may not deserve compassion, but she needs it. And it feels so good when you can be compassionate. Best wishes.

Chicago1954 Jan 2014
Are you visiting my mom? Seriously, you do not have to visit. Let her settle in and let her meds take effect. She will get good nutrition and that is going to help her over all health.

It is easier for me, because I am 1500 miles from Mother. But, I hear the stories and I say God Bless the staff at the nursing home.

Have you read the book Coping With YOur DIfficult Older Parent? It is right on.

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jeannegibbs Jan 2014
Continue to take care of her. It sounds like you are doing an awesome (and very challenging) job! You can certainly feel good about your own behavior.

I suggest that you continue to visit, but not stay around for the whining and accusations. "I can see that my being here is upsetting you, Mother, so I'm going home now. I hope when I am here Wednesday we can have a pleasant visit." IF Mom's brain is still processing cause-and-effect, she MIGHT learn from this to tone down her complaints in order to have you visit. But it is also possible that dementia will prevent her from learning this lesson. The only way to know is to try it. If keeping your visits short when she accuses you doesn't help, then keep your visits infrequent.

Linda22 May 2014
maddisson, this man is not treating his mother like crap. He's seeing to it that she has appropriate medical care, he's taking care of her finances so she can continue to get good care, he's working thru the paperwork to get Medicaid set up so she's cared for. He also may be a person whose mother was nasty and manipulative andverbally abusive when she was well, so the dementia may be amping up already existing behaviors. As for your words about the posters on this forum, remember something - these people are the ones who have chosen to care for parents when siblings bailed, who came into caregiving unexpectedly but rose to the job. They're doing it out of love and respect and decency, but it doesn't mean that they do not have the right to also take care of themselves. And for some, taking care of themselves means balancing care with detachment.

anonymous158299 Jan 2014
your mom may calm down a bit when she gets further along with the alz. the best you can do is dont dispute her delusional mindset. her brain aint right and she genuinely believes this tripe. there is no correcting her, itll only piss her off and fry your brain.

blannie Jan 2014
You sound like a wonderful son. You've received great advice already, so I have nothing to add there. I just wanted to say your mom is SO lucky to have you looking out for her best interest. And I'm so sorry she's so awful to you; you don't deserve it. Stay away from her for a while for your own mental health.

iammichele Jan 2014
Hi! I hear buddy! My mother makes me feel the same way, so I visit once a week and never by myself. It helps me to have someone as a buffer with me. My mom too has vascular dementia, has had numerous strokes and TIAs has depression and anxiety, doesn't think she needs to be in nursing home but at home with husband who barely walks on his own two legs, due to strokes and diminished circulation.
So, what I do when I do visit is when mom begins to rant, I tell her I am going to leave if she continues. Sometimes I have to leave. Give her some time to settle in, and take comfort in knowing you are not alone nor to blame for what she is doing. My mom is a DNR, she signed it herself thankfully. I would look into that with the state of your moms being. I wish you well.

pamstegma Jan 2014
She is miserable and may want a DNR. Yes she needs a guardian. Yes she needs antidepressants. Holey Smokes she sounds like my MIL, we put her on Xanax twice a day and Celexa at bedtime. And MIL is still at home, a disaster waiting to happen.

golden23 Jan 2014
I have something similar though my mother is in an ALF and she does not have the health/sanitation issues yours does, nor the financial issues. How very difficult!!! However, she is increasingly paranoid and delusional, and visiting with her is very stressful. She has had Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism all her life. She does not have dementia, Conversations now are increasingly bizarre, or as usual, fraught with complaints about non existent problems. I find I have to limit my time with her and let most of the phone calls, which are many, go to voice mail.

I don't think you are harsh at all. You have to look after you too. Mother pressures me to "fix" non existent problems, and take her away from "this dangerous place." I find it very hard to know how to respond to her , in person or on the phone, I have done some reading about how to respond to delusions and you may find that helpful. You are not supposed to agree or disagree, but state your own perceptions and maybe explore the reasons behind theirs. I feel I need a crash course in dealing with paranoia and delusions.

Give visiting a break, see if whatever treatment she is under helps, don't beat yourself up - it sounds kike you are doing a great job looking after her stuff. Keep in touch with the NH to find out how she is doing, maybe send a card once in a while. I am thinking about doing that as I am at a distance and a card is much easier than phone calls and visits, though I do make trips down to see her. Let us know how you are doing. Venting helps and hearing from others lets you know you are not alone ((((((((((((((hugs|)))))))))))

andrewmurphy65 Jan 2014
this is all part of the disease and you need to know she does love you and that its not her thats talking but the disease its very hard to go through without frustration because we love our parents but just remember who she was before all this and that you do need time to yourself as well...something i didn't do and it got the best of me...my prayers are with you

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