My brother who lives 2 hours away is in financial and emotional crisis, calls Mom almost daily, and recently came to see Mom very late at night. I don’t trust him and he lies to people about his life. He’s been trying to get money from everyone in the family – including Mom who is on Soc Sec and lives with me – but no one has anything to give him. As a last resort, he went to my grandfather, who gave a lot of money to my parents over the years and they took advantage of him.
When my brother talked to my grandfather, he told him that Mom is unhappy and she thinks my husband hates her. He also told him we don’t let Mom talk to him or go anywhere. The statement about not letting Mom talk to him or go places is a lie. Mom cannot drive and I have to take her places. And I take her a lot of places. If anything, I take her out more than she wants. I’ve never told my brother he cannot see or talk to Mom or take her anywhere.
As for my husband, he did get upset when Mom opened a package that was sent to him (a Christmas gift he ordered for me) and there were words and hurt feelings, but it wasn’t anything terrible.
So I don’t know whether to tell Mom that I heard she was unhappy. If she really is unhappy, there isn’t much I can do about it. There is no one else for her to live with and she has no finances for assisted living. I AM applying for VA aid in hopes of making it possible for her to live in assisted living, but that takes time and isn’t a sure thing.
If she is unhappy and complaining to my brother, do I address it? Confronting my brother won’t do a thing. He will just deny it (though right now he doesn’t answer my calls, texts, or emails.) And he is probably homeless right now – he just broke up with his girlfriend - so she cannot go live with him. But he is the golden child in her eyes. On top of that, my grandfather wants to talk more about this even though I told him what my brother said wasn’t true. I don’t need this stress.
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It is amazing, everyone I talked to except the one friend I mentioned above said NOT to raise it with Mom. And I trust fellow caregivers over someone who has not walked in my shoes - my friend has not been a caregiver.
And more follow-up, Mom actually brought up the news of my brother's actions to me last night before I had the chance. That reassured me, too, that she was trying to reassure me and tell me how grateful she is to live with us. And she called my grandfather and told him brother's comments were not true and reassured him as well.
maybe it could be used to hire someone to keep her company while you are at work. help her write letters things like that. Above all don't let brother get under your skin. He is not going to change and will continue to spread the poison but there is nothing he can do. Remember your mother is a grown up person too so does not have to be treated like a piece of bone china
She told brother #2 she has been ignoring the phone calls from brother #1 the past few days because talking to him upsets her. I think that is why brother #1 says I won't let her talk to him. He won't ever blame Mom so he blames me.
I think my grandfather thinks Mom has more resources than she has. I've tried explaining things to him before. Plus, he says he wants to help her (still) financially but one, I don't think he should and two, I don't think he has much money left. He's 90. Even if we did agree to let him supplement Mom's finances, when he passes away, there goes that resource. It isn't ideal but she can make it on what she has now (living with me). But I can talk to him about it.
Your grandfather is another matter. If he wants to discuss his daughter's (your mother is his daughter, yes?) wellbeing, you should talk to him. Be candid, trust him to have your mother's welfare at heart, listen to his advice (you don't necessarily have to agree with it!) and you could have an ally there. Try not to criticise your brother to him: your brother's his grandchild too, don't forget. Just be clear about your concerns and reservations.
Good luck with the negotiations, meanwhile; hope everything works out well.