Mum refused to go to respite. Any advice?

Thats interesting JB i never knew that! Well i guess its not as harmful as smoking! I seem to be getting over the first side effects and not as dizzy I guess it takes youre body awhile now to get used to it.
I saw a programme recently they put a group on a VEGAN diet for one month and everyones cholesterol came down quite a bit!
I will try this but i love my fish but will try anything. I do not want to end up with dementia and now that i have vascular issues i must be careful.

I will leave here as soon as the court case is over my brother is down the road and will have to check on mum everyday i will try and come and visit at least every second week as i intend to move 3hrs away. I need to take my life back my mum will go down hill once im gone but then she will go down hill anyway ive told family she needs to be in a nh but we cant force her. She has good care here and does nothing but moan and bitch its so hard to take she was always an unhappy woman the dementia has just made her worse ive done my best for her and think I can now walk away with a clear head knowing i tried my best but when you have a stroke then you need to walk away if i stay and look after her with no respite and a selfish family then i wont live long.
You think when a parent gets ill the family rally round and help out its just not like that and from what i see here the stress is mainly family not supporting each other which is so sad.
My bro agrees with me that when I get some money leave he said youve no choice now my other bro will just have to cope.
Mums threatening to cut me out of her will now maybe in her madness she will? I know my bro wouldnt let this happen but the others would be delighted?

My bro down the road thinks that im stressing mum out??? he has no idea? lets see how he copes when im gone he was here last night and bought food even though there was plenty there im wondering if he is right in the head?

I just checked on the willow tree range. I see the bark was used both in the old world and the new. So I guess anywhere there is a willow or similar tree, chewing the bark was considered good medicine.

It sounds like you're doing well, kazzaa. You'll probably be doing better after the stress test is over. I don't like it when things like that are hanging over my head. What I like to do when something is, is think "This too shall pass." Then I think of Monday evening when it will be behind me. That works for me.

I wouldn't be afraid of the aspirin. It is from the bark of a species of willow tree. I think it grows in South America -- I would have to check the range. The natives used to chew the bark of the tree and knew of its good properties before scientists separated the wonder drug. In small doses the COX-2 inhibitor effect is minimal, so not harmful to the stomach. The risk of the blood being too thin is also slim. I take a low-dose Bayer aspirin each day as part of my health program. I figured if the natives chewed the bark, then so can I. I feel good about low-dose aspirin for any adult, particularly those past 40. (Not that we are, of course. Everyone knows we're only 39.)

I will be fine and as JB says you have to go to that respite in your head and just calm down its hard but the alternative of another stroke is enough to make you mentally take your time out. I am a lot less stressed now as I havnt seen mum for 3days!!
I will continue to pop in and out during the day but have the peace of mind to know I can piss off at night and do what ever I want. Just a shame I cant get drunk!
the stroke didn't cause any damage but its a huge warning that the next one may not be so pleasant.
Anyway ive stopped smoking and am gorging on blueberries,oranges,nuts,fish anything that reduces your cholesterol its at 7.2 I need to get it down to at least 6 or lower I refuse to take statins I think they mess up your mind later on and now there is a lot of research to suggest this. taking meds for life is not an option for me id rather live a healthy life and starve than take those.

LOL yes I would just love to be in respite with all the old dementia patients!!! I know country mouse you have got to be taking the piss!!

im fine trust me as long as I can escape a couple of nights a week and let my bro take over ill be fine AND wreck his head in the meantime! Win win!!

You see I have a beautiful little cat who adores me and even this week he was all out of sorts as I wasn't there much my bro dosnt like animals although he would never harm him BUT I need to go in everyday and see hes alright hes been my only comfort since all this shit in my life happened.
Sorry CM but am going to have to pee my pants laughing at your suggestion what a great place to go for respite knowing me id probably end up helping out and changing their depends!!! LOL

Kazzaa where are you? This idea might just be so bonkers it slips through the system because no one knows how to stop it - why don't you take the respite care place and stay there? You've just had a ministroke. You'd have three square meals a day and total quiet. Chairobics and jigsaw puzzles to do if you felt like it. You couldn't smoke, unless you hung around outside the kitchen with the staff. Sell the idea to your community mental health team - this could WORK!

Oh yes pst I told him not to call me unless its serious. just you wait and see his wife will not be too happy as she dosnt like being on her own!!! HA! he will at least see how demanding a job it is BUT then my mum always tells him to go but hes been warned by family hes to stay the night even if she wants him to go home.
why so mothers sons get away with so much crap its so unfair I think a post read recently that they wanted to come back as a son!!!
BUT I have to say my older bro who lives abroad is very helpful and dosnt even need to be asked hes quite funny he came down the stairs at xmas with a huge pair of rubber gloves and a mask on and said "ok im now going into the bathroom to remove the offensive weapons" thankgod for our sense of humour! and good for him he removed her depends and bags and cleaned up. Pity he dosnt live here but he calls me every night.
My sister(golden girl) will be home again in a few weeks for a short wkend to see mum and toddle off with friends for coffees and dinners and spend a bit of time with mum?
At xmas my bro knew the bathroom was a mess so he watched to see if my sis cleaned up....... NO she managed to have a shower put her face on even thought there was an awful mess on the floor from mum (how do you do that?) so my brother made a point out the fact that she just ignored the mess she said she didn't notice??? anyway she had to go back up and clean it up and BOY was she pissed. my bro said to her after "welcome to your sisters world".
I really don't know how family can get past the anger after a loved one has died from dementia when there was no support but I guess I will just have to learn to forgive when the time comes?
Right now I hate them all for having a life and doing normal fun things!

I always meant to ask you if you are of german origin I presumed the name was german am I right?

Remember, turn the phone OFF. In both directions. Put it all out of your head. Pretend you are at the beach. OFF.

I am taking as much as a break as I can which means depending on friends for the odd stay over I havnt spoke to my mother since the other day my brother is going to stay the night while im not there I am texting him with lots of things to do so his head will be wrecked by the time im finished my so called BREAK.
Youre so right JB it is a joy when you have the house to yourself and not having to worry or watch them wasting away watching TV all day.
Its not easy giving up cigs its been very tough aswell as having to stick to a very strict low cholesterol diet OUCH! And yes JB youre right I have the odd glass of red wine now so unfair when all you want to do is drink the whole damn bottle!!!
In fact the best thing to do is drink a glass of red wine with dark chocolate only about two squares though.
im eating nothing and have lost 7lbs just fish and veg and nuts I have a STRESS TEST on Monday where they put you on a treadmill boy am I dreading that. Have been very dizzy all week as my body is getting used to the ASPIRIN the doctor said I would be on it for life which I am always a bit dubious about I must ask Ferris what she thinks I do not like the fact of taking meds for life?
My mum has been on so many meds for the past 30yrs and I can see what its done to her but then again she had no choice as her diet and lifestyle were just awful.
Maybe having the mini stroke was the best thing that could've happened to me as I couldn't go on with smoking and eating the crappy comfort food that I was I wasn't even eating I was grazing on chips and chocs and the odd proper meal? then mum I always make sure she eats a well balanced meal? yep go figure why we take so good care of them and total disregard for our own health? I don't have a problem with healthy food as im quite a good cook and can make anything tasty its the cigs I miss they were my best friend funny isn't it I can look at a chesseburger and go UGH stroke but I miss smoking? Such an awful addiction they say its harder to give up smoking than heroine?
Anyway today is my dads anniversary hard to believe its 2 months, miss him so much and still go to the phone to ring him! I know hes around me and can feel him and I know hes helping me through this nightmare!
hugs to all lifes a big piece of KAK sometimes!
And JB my music guy never rang(sniff) but its not the right time he will ring when im smokefree and beautiful ( he actually didn't smoke)
I

WELL JG maybe if you reread all my posts you will learn that I have no money to move out? I am like JB trapped until money isn't an issue.

Am quite shocked by your attitude obviously we are all doing this because we love and care for our parents and want to do whats right by my mother but now my health is suffering and I have to make a very serious decision to stay or to walk away when my money comes(am waiting for compensation from an accident which is going to court soon??)
Its so easy for people to judge and say WALK AWAY go where with what and yes I am in an awful place at the moment but that's why im on this forum to get support from caring people who are going through the same thing.
I am NOT PUTTING UP with anything I am trying to find a solution to a very serious problem. I am all my mother has to care for her and walking away is going to be hard so less of the attitude sometimes life isn't that simple if I could move out I would but as you can see that's not an option.

Maybe you should get all the facts before stating the obvious?

kazzaa, why are you still there? You've been writing about how miserable you are, how much stress you are under, and threatening to move out for months now (if memory serves, which it doesn't always).

If you continue to put up with this, it will continue to happen.

You need to take care of YOU first!! I would walk away and let mom and brother know that you need to recover and a break to do that. You are sorry if that doesn't fit in to there plans but you need a break so if mom wont go into respite care then you have to do what will be best for you. Its OK to choose YOU first. You can't provide care when you need care yourself.

kazzaa, I've been thinking for a while about what to write. It would be easy to puff myself up and say I would do this or that, but the answer wouldn't be very sincere. I know that we are in a predicament that we are not free to do whatever we want. We have too much responsibility. I guess it is much the same as being a parent. If we want to go somewhere we have to hire a babysitter. But if you're like me, what you really want to do is just be able to enjoy some mother-free time in your own place. What a treat it would be just to be able to move around the house without the presence that is always sitting in front of the TV (or wherever) day after day and night after night.

I guess the best you can do now is pull back into that calm spiritual place and don't let anyone ruffle you. Nothing is worse for the vascular system than anger that can't be acted on. I'm glad you have your friend. That helps so much. I read that a small glass of red wine is good for the blood pressure and heart unless you're taking a medicine that doesn't go with alcohol.

I think we all have that internal place of respite that we can retreat to until we can make the big escape. I know how trapped you feel, because I feel the same way. I wish we were very rich and could buy a place in Maui where we could get away from all the crazy.

I wish but his wife is there. I am staying at friends at night this weekend and told my brother to be here only at night my mums a bitch at times and tells him to go home shell be fine but will slam doors and abuse me when I go out one night I tell her everytime that her son can come up and stay but she wont have it HER GOLDEN BOY! she thinks that I should be there 24/7 at her service as im getting free board??
My mum was never a selfish person but this illness has turned her into a monster I sat there today in the kitchen for 3hours and all she did was rip me to pieces to my brother in the front room I know its an illness but he cant see that and sucks up to her and agrees with her its just so unfair but he hates me for getting his wife kicked out for stealing off mum? I cant win whatever I do so its time to give up the struggle and move on with my life my brother is down the road so he will get a good taste of what her needs really are let family get on his case to make sure shes well looked after and see how he likes that.
pst. I wish for sleep but there is always something to that has to be done im here now in a friends but know the nurse will ring me in the morning with advice which is usually if your mum is too stressful for you then you might think about leaving? and go where? you see here they think that as its too much stress for you maybe you should just leave AND WHAT? leave an elderly 76yr old on her own with dementia to fend for herself and what burn the house down?

But there you go if she wont go into a home you cant make her? I thought if she was a danger for herself she could be forced to go into a home by the courts but apparently not so I guess something bad has to happen before shes deemed unsafe. something so wrong with this system!
feel bad for dr and nurse they got her a bed asap and for 2 wks they did thier best to help me but she refused shed rather see me out on the street than go into respite? she said I was a selfish bitch and was only thinking of myself? Yep mum im so selfish that's why ive had a stroke from the stress of trying to care for you and keep you safe yep IM DONE!

Try this for the weekend. Let brother stay with her and you go to his place, turn off the phone and just sleep until Monday?

Youre right ps. My brother offered to move in and told me to fck off somewhere for a break? I don't have anywhere to go and no money easy for him to say that he has his own apt so selfish and no regard for my life.
he hasn't been up to see mum since xmas and only lives down the road but when mum calls him to bitch about me hes up in a flash?

I am just so weak and fed up praying everyday for the money I need to appear so I can get away from this madness. my mum is going to die and soon if she isn't put into care her ex husband died then my stroke has taken its toll on her I have a sick feeling that she may die soon.
She wont wash,take her meds properly let me control her meds shes peeing on the floor in her bedroom and wont let anyone in carer comes 3 times a week and she wont let her near her bedroom,she wont eat properly if im not there and shes diabetic I have just run out of solutions I have no family here except my stupid brother who just stresses me out with his crap and never brings my mum anywhere be nice if he brought her out to dinner once in awhile? we don't get on with his wife and shes barred from the house as she was stealing money from mum.
I think its just time for me to call it a day and try and get away from here I spoke to my lawyer today and the accident case should go ahead soon??? how soon? so desperate now to run away from this and look after myself.

I don't think ill ever understand people the more giving and caring you are the more you get shat on years ago a psychic told me the only way you will be happy is to think about yourself for once its taken me almost 20 years to realise she was right!
I feel ive done all I can for mum but cant force her into a home against her will and I cant look after her alone even her own doc said you cant force her into a home if she wont go.
My only support now is this site and thankgod for it or where would we be?

If she won't go to rehab, you should. Let the idiots fend for themselves. You have spoiled them to the point that they have no regard for your life.