Is it wrong to expect MIL to pay 1/3 of household exp, groceries, utilities, toiletries out of her SSI?

To add to @twotonne's answer - if you do consult a tax expert, ask them if the SSI amount contributed to your household counts as rental income to you. I have put this question to a CPA, a disability lawyer and a couple of tax preparers and have gotten different answers. My current tax preparer says no but everyone seems to have their own opinion. The tax code is confusing on the issue and there's the question of whether the IRS would care enough to pursue it. It may depend on your exact situation and how the arrangement is worked out between you.

It is reasonable for her to contribute to your household income for living there and food. Tell her she needs to contribute or find lodging elsewhere. You will find her very willing after that.

You might want to get guardianship to get complete control over her medical and financial so husband's sis can't beg anymore. With guardianship you will need a doctor's statement and a lawyer. She does not need to approve guardianship. Guardianship costs anywhere from $500 to $2000 depending on your lawyer and location. It will take several months and probably a couple of court appearances. Others in the family can contest it, but it doesn't sound like that will happen in your case.
In the meantime, you need to go to the SS office and ask for representative payee status for her SS and/or SSI. They usually don't even need a doctor's statement, just the fact that she is living with you and depends on your care. If granted, the checks will be deposited in your name either on a debit card or in a bank account which you have opened for her expenses. Once a year, SS will ask you to fill out a form stating roughly where the money went and how much is left over. Her toiletries, groceries, clothes, supplies and medicines will come out of this account. The IRS will let you list her as a dependent if you contribute at least 1/2 of her living expenses. They have a formula to figure that out on their website or consult a tax expert. You might get a little more refund this year. Every penny helps.

I agree with harpcat, get control of finances now. Enlist the help of her physician in this through some sort of competency statement. I didn't, my dad's church saw "SUCKER" written all over his face and went for everything. They changed his POA from me to some chick connected with the church, had him change his Will, then took all his belongings. Your husband could lose everything to the daughter and grandson.

If she is receiving SSI, has anyone been named her representative payee? My son receives SSI and since I am his representative payee I am required to pay out his prorated share of household expenses which in his case is one-third. The social security website has a representative payee handbook that will explain all about it.

Thanks for all the input, of which I totally agree with all of it. Husband "says" he wi;; do this and that and then never does......and she IS NOT helpless , just has always been assuctomed to being pampered. She will not even eat if I don't prepare it for her. she will just get a handful of cereal or cookies. Yes I feel like he is intimidated by her also. We can not even have a morning cup of coffee alone together before he goes to work. She gets her old butt up at 4:30 when we get up and plants herself in the living room even though I have made her her own lovely living room.

My parents moved in with us suddenly and my husband also had to come on board, but after some adjustment he has been great. My parents pay the electric and cable TV, as those bills went up alot when the moved in (they kee[ the heat on high and we had to have 2 TV's installed ) They also pay almost all the food bills and Costco bills, as well as gas for my truck as I drive them everywhere. We pay the rest, as they were our normal bills. After we get this years taxes done for everyone and talk to the tax preparer, we may readjust, but this is working for us now.

Does your MIL receive the maximum amount of SSI (Supplemental Security Income - not the same as SS or SSDI)? If so, she should be paying her full share of housing, food and basic utilities (1/3 if there are 3 of you in the household) according to the SSI rules. If not, you are considered to be providing her with partial support and her SSI benefits would be reduced. It's in her best interest to be honest because if she's not paying her full share of household expenses and SS finds out, she might have to repay some of the benefits she received.

I should sit easy. Before too long, your MIL will lose capacity, your husband will take control of her finances, and it will then be up to him to ensure that her money is spent on her living expenses, accommodation, health care, personal items etc etc etc. I'm sure he will already have informed himself about what it is proper for her income to be spent on; and I can't see even the most indulgent, conflict-avoiding son trying to make a tightly limited budget stretch to hand-outs for his ungrateful and uncaring sister. Bide your time.

If you still want to tackle your husband about this in the hope of making him see sense, that is of course up to you - only you can know whether it's worth the bother. I'm just pointing out that you probably won't actually need to.

If she is as incompetent as you state in your comments about how you have to bathe, do her hair, nails etc and can not live alone, get her declared incompetent then by her doctor. Then you will have full control of her finances. Hire home health with her money to come in and do some of the ADL that you are currently doing for her. Why are you letting yourself be used like this? Or let her son, do all these ADL for her for a change. Dear stumped, all is not as hopeless as it seems, but you need a backbone to help change this and change it before it goes further. Your MIL could live another 15 years. What will you and your marriage be like then? I don't blame you for resenting the woman, but that isn't good for your mental or physical health. I do not mean to sound harsh…just being very blunt and realistic and objective. I do wish you the best.

sadly, this situation started way back when your husband was a child and mother has been manipulating him and basically pulling the string and having it her way ever since. And he has let her. Don't forget he has responsibility in this as well. There is something called "setting boundaries" and your husband basically hasn't got any. There is are several great books by Henry Cloud and John Townsend on setting boundaries. I suggest you get the one called "Setting Boundaries, when to say yes and when to say No" and both you and your husband read it and have a frank discussion over this situation and how to handle it. For him to write a check, but not to be forthright about it tells me he is afraid or intimidated by her. She has figured out how to always get her way by pouting and manipulating and it's worked for her, so why not keep on doing it. She will not change btw. It's up to him and you to change the way you respond to her and she will get the picture. As Dr. Phil says, "you teach people how to treat you". If you can not get hubby to go along, see a counselor yourself and then drag him along. The money spent would be worth it. He has POA, he tells her she WILL be contributing or can move out and in with the sister. Then he tells her how much and monthly has that amount automatically transferred into your account. Yes it is tough love, but you need to realize you are worth it.

What a mess! Tell the sister that she can take her mother and her money whatever it is and take care of her herself. If not, then the mother will give all of it to you for living expenses. Seems real simple to me. If the mother in law doesn't like it tell her to find other arrangements. It's called tough love. Do it now.

Make sure everything is itemized and documented

Yes it was with my consent to move his Mother in.....it was obvious she needed she was no longer capable to live alone. My husband has DPOA and no, it is not a case of sister just not thinking. She does not care and refuses to be bothered, now that her Mother has no money left to hand out ot her. MIL gets ugly and pouts when the subject of her contributing is brought up. She has always been a spoiled brat and raised her son to feel responcible for her since her and his father divorced when he was six , he was supposed to be the man of the house. He was 29 before he finnally was able to turn lose and marry. We have always done everything from mowing her grass to changing light bulbs for her. His grand father actually disowned him because he would not leave me, move back home and take care of moma. She is only 73 but you would think she is 85. She has always been an old soul. But recently diagnosed with dimentia. I care for her and treat her as I would my Mother were she alive, even though I don't like her. She is stingy,lazy and resentful of her son and my marraige of 23 years. Bad situation all the way around. I do not forsee him ever putting her in a NH, but I certainly feel she should pay her way. It would cost her a fortune just for the personal care I give her,baths, hair and nails,laundry and all meals prepared for her of which she offers me NOTHING ,but will buy her daughter who wont even come and see her anything she asks for. But I am insisting that she pay a 1/3 of household exp.He wrote himself a check last month, but didnt tell her, which I think he should ou Are going to contibute !

If your husband won't take responsibility for his mother's financial affairs someone needs too or you will blow your top and that would not be good for anyone. Having a hissy fit because she does not want to pay her bills is unacceptable. can you talk to her daughter? Work out just how much extra it is costing you to keep her. Compare utility bills month for same month a year ago and if it's up she pays the extra. property taxes you would be paying anyway. She should pay for a third of the food and cleaning supplies. all her personal expenses are hers. when she asks for something ask for the money before you go out. If she is with you ask if the money is in her purse before it goes in your cart. When she goes to the Dr she comes up with the co-pay at registration. she will soon get the idea but don't expect her to be pleased about it. tell your husband what you intend to do first. what she did with her money in the past is unfortunate but it is water under the bridge. If she applies for Medicaid she will have to account for it and may be refused

Dear Stumped: It sounds like a lack of communication between you and your husband. How did the son manage to more her in with out your & your husbands permission? It's totally unfair for you to have to take responsibility with his mother when you haven't been asked about it and all parties discussing how it will be handled. No wonder you are feeling resentful.
Have a sit down with your husband privately.
You deserve a date night too (or more!). Have another relative (son) sit with her when you go out. You need to speak up and let your hubby know how you feel and get some help. God Bless.

Unless so rich you don't even notice she's costing anything to keep, she should be paying her fair share of the household bills anyway - it doesn't have to be causing you and your husband actual financial hardship. Not least, it is a matter of her self-respect as a functioning human being: no one wants to be a parasite.

If you and your husband are planning to provide her with a home and care in the long-term, you must make provision NOW, before she loses capacity, to take responsibility for her income and outgoings (through a POA, if possible) - otherwise there will be a world of trouble and stress ahead.

How is your brother's relationship with his sister? If she is unthinking, rather than intentionally exploitative, perhaps he can get her to concentrate on their mother's welfare and co-operate: it would make setting up POA much easier.

Who has financial POA? If you don't, that should be done sooner than later especially with the dementia diagnosis. I'm having difficulty understanding how her son moved her in with you two. Was this done without your permission? Yes, she should be contributing if it causing financial strain. Get POA and control of her finances. You and your husband need a serious sit down together so that you are on the same page about this or else it will affect your relationship if it hasn't already. Perhaps you can qualify her for medicaid and move her ALF.

Your request is reasonable, however I doubt if her son will ask her for it. This is one of those cases where you have to let them work it out on their own. I don't position myself between my husband and mother, EVER. Nor would I tolerate her getting between my husband and I. The one in the middle always loses if they kick up a fuss.