My Dad and uncle's won't let me care for my Grandma who raised me. Any advice?

Please read a Discussion on this site from Freckle titled "Past breaking point".......

I can't tell you the number of grandkids that wanted to move in with Mother and take care for her. None had any idea the commitment that really is needed. They would have had to give up their lives and friends, and that wouldn't have been good. Plus, none were experienced in bathing, toileting and feeding an elderly person.

I commend you for loving your grandmother. You can still contribute, either financially or with sweat equity. Good luck.

You have the opportunity to be involved in this situation. Even though your grandmother raised you, sounds like her role was more of a mother role. It won't take long for your aunt and uncle to become tired and need a break. You can be great respite for them. Can you choose a day or two/ week to give them 3-4 hours of respite? Try to keep the days you go the same..... it is best for a dementia patient to have a sceduale.

Dear Granddaughter: You need to count your blessings that your Aunt and Uncle have taken in your Grandmother to care for her! I know you are hurting at this time and do not see it this way, you may feel that they are being a bit mean not to let you bring her back to her home and allow you to care for her, but trust me what they have done may be for the best.

Being a caregiver for someone with dementia or Alzheimer's or many other illnesses is truly the most heartbreaking and difficult task you can undertake. I thought I loved my mother so deeply that nothing could make me sorry that I had undertaken this journey. I never dreamed in a million years that it would EVER BE THIS HARD!!! There is a question posted on this site asking the question, "Is it wrong to hope/wish someone would die." Most people do not want to think about this and most do not want to admit that the thought would ever cross their minds, but it is the reality of long term care....you see the toll the disease is taking on them and you feel the toll it is taking on you minute by minute.

I bet your Uncle and Aunt thought long and hard about moving your grandma in with them before they did it. I am sure they knew how difficult it would be for her to leave her home, going back there now would only start the entire process all over again. If she had to be removed again it is like opening another wound.

You love your Grandmother and that is very evident, you need to visit her often and tell her you love her and perhaps your Uncle would let you bring a few things from her home over time to make her feel more at home with them. The other thing you need to do, it tell your Uncle and Aunt, how much you love them for taking Grandma and caring for her. This will not be an easy job for them either. Caregivers are often "forgotten heroes" who need to hear a little praise every once in a while, a small gift, a card, a call just to say Thank You!

Love your Grandmother all you can and cherish the memories you had growing up with her. Take pictures, if she can remember her life story ask her questions and help her write up her life story. We got my father to do it and it was amazing what we found out. He was born in Oklahoma in 1925 at one point his father was a moonshiner and my father and his brother at 2 and 3 were the "lookouts" for revenuers coming!!! Ha ha, who could have ever imagined!!!

Count your many Blessings! Much Love to You!

You are very kind. We had good intentions with my dad when he went through a physically very bad time, when his wife died and who remarried when I was little, but since he developed dementia/alzheimers , its a load we didn't see ourselves carrying. Its no easy task and honestly, I don't wish it on anyone, both the patient and caregiver.

Visit often if you are able, but you may not realise the amount of work and attention this illness needs

Your grandmother is blessed to have you and aunt and uncle looking out for her.
The posts are very wise, contribute by visiting and continuing to show your love and be supportive of aunt and uncle.
You are blessed, you sound like you come from a loving family and are setting the same example for your children.....how beautiful is that is a world that is not always so kind.

Granddaughter, there was a time when my grandma started the dying process and was going down hill, that both my husband and I wanted her to come and live with us. I was absolutely serious that I loved her and wanted to take care of her, since my grandpa who was just as old was physically unable to. Both grandpa and my mom told me no. It would've been me that took care of her most since my husband of course had to work. They were very wise to tell me NO, BUT I sure didn't think so at the time. I was unable and/or unwilling to see the hardship it would've been physically and emotionally on my husband and I to take care of granny till she died. I still miss her 25 years later, but they were right for me at that time.

All of the above is wise advice. I have a feeling that your uncle and aunt knew exactly what they were doing. They face the difficulties of the dementia all the time. People that have dementia can put on a show for people that visit. It is often far from the reality of what is really going on in their minds. Many also have magical thinking that if they can somehow get back to the way things were, all would be better. That doesn't happen, because it is not the surroundings. It is because the brain is damaged. I have a feeling that if you did move back to your old home with her, you would soon be saying that now you understand.

I like geo's suggestion to offer to stay with you gma at their house to give them a break. Something from the way you wrote told me that they are excellent caregivers. Trust them and get behind them in what they need you to do. It is so great to have supportive family.

Everyone's situation is different, but I agree with the previous two responses and want to add to that\:

First, I have some experience with this in that my parents wanted my grandma with alzheimer's to move-in with them. She wouldn't move and they ended up buying her house and moving us all together. She always viewed it as "her" house and it caused unending tension and basically destroyed our entire family. Everyone who came to visit heard how we had stolen her home and how miserable she was and, eventually, she was "rescued" from our clutches. At the next residence, the same thing happened, where she talked about how that family was mean to her and she was so abused, etc..., leading the next person to "save" her. She got shuffled around, this way, eventually landing back with us, the only ones who would take her back a second time and she spent her final years with us.

So, here's a little reality check: grandma might be longing for her home and say she's unhappy to anyone who will listen, but she won't necessarily be happy at home and, even if she's happy, might not be safe. Stop listening to her unless she says something that leads you to think she's abused. Instead, thank your aunt and uncle for their care of her and, if you really want to do something for the family, offer to give them a vacation. That might require you to stay at their house for a few days, especially if grandma has special equipment and things, or it might require you keeping grandma at your place for a few days, if they just could use a "staycation."

People with dementia/alzeimer's don't always know where they are or what they're really saying. You have to really understand the signs of abuse to know if they truly are being abused, because it's usually just their mind going. So, as her mind continues to fade, she probably will accuse your aunt and uncle of being mean or abusive or horrible or whatever, and you can't believe that to be true unless there's some real sign of that.

Your uncle and his wife are very kind to take on the difficult job of taking care of your grandma. Consider it a blessing and continue to bring her joy by visiting her with your daughters.

A day or two won't get it done. And your grown kids have jobs and children of their own to look after. Living in her home will not take you both back to happier simpler times. It's a lovely thought, a dream, but not a practical reality. Talk to your uncle about why they took her in. So far they have shielded you from the difficulty of caring for her, there is great heartbreak in having to pull their mother out of a home they grew up in too. The MD will also shield grandchildren from the harsh prognosis of this disease.
You bring her joy just by being around her, enjoy that for what it is. There is no going back in life, it just always moves on.