My Mom has stage 4 dementia and every time I see her she asks me to take her out. What do I do?

I'm writing Freecell and a large Brompton Cocktail into my living will, soon as I get round to it.

The Brompton Cocktail, named after the Brompton Chest Hospital, is composed of morphine, heroin and cocaine - it used to be given to end stage TB patients in the olden days as a last hurrah (and incidentally help them get a move on, too). Not sure if it's still ever legal, probably not, but it's a d*** shame if it isn't.

Im sucking the life out of this E-CIG hope im not getting nicotine overdose i mean how do you know how much nicotine youre taking?

Heres a thought Captain you have a bit of land? You could do it all up as a really cool NH for old hippies and we can all go there and you could look after us all wouldnt that be cool!!! and now i hear youre a pastry chef?? why its perfect! when we get munchies you can be on call with your pastry skills!! WOW think im on to something here of course wed pay for our own mushrooms and maryjane with our insurance!!

Just for the record i have no intention of ending up in any NH i will die on my land.........ok ive no land yet but will die on someone elses land maybe even a supermarket in the chocolate section OR a cafe in "amsterdam". LOL

Captain when im an old boot can you look after me? Yep pink floyd and a massive "52 inch tv screen with coloured spirals moving around" oh and 24/7 junk food delivered for "munchies".
Just think of how different the NHs will be when we are older? or maybe they will just kill us off as "no longer able to function in society" and save the government a fortune! Who knows?

stegman,
studies are ongoing in the field of phsylocybin mushrooms for comfort for the dying. i guess the rationale is if theyre going to trip,make the trip pleasant.
( prob'ly colorful too.. ) im thinking pink floyd on headphones..

Try "Well you must rest and get better, then we'll talk about it". My mother has full blown dementia and it works with her so far.

Medical Marijuana indeed, Pstegman! When I'm that d*** old and in a NH I'm going to want to blaze every single day! lolololol

To all of you that answered my question, Thank you! Your replies do help. Yes, figuring out what they remember would be helpful but it is extremely difficult. I do think redirection has proven to be the best approach thus far. My Mother has been relentless with asking me to take her out of the NH. However, it is where she belongs as sad as it is. I wish she never had a stroke or the dementia. She does & unfortunately this is the safest, for her & myself. I would end up resenting her if she were to live with me. I love her to much to destroy our love. Dementia is not a very forgiving state to grow old with. Horrible actually. So as a daughter I accept my Mothers reality & my own.

Well, it's either the sadness of losing her health and independence, and not believing that good part of life is over for her...or she hates the specific place and would be happier elsewhere. Mom was very briefly in a place that was more to my taste and not at all for hers, and we did have to move x 1 and it was helpful. All the other times I picked well for her. :-)

How is your Mom's memory? Different types of dementia have different degrees and kinds of memory loss. In my husband's case it was not safe to assume he would forget what I said if he was lucid at the time. If he was in one of his "bad spells" then he probably would forget. So I had to be a little selective with how I used therapeutic fibbing, but I think it is a great technique. "I'm working on it" or "We can figure it out after you finish physical therapy," or " the water main broke in your street and residents had to be evacuated. We can't make our plans until they fix it." Then redirect the conversation to some other topic.

As I say, you need to know how your loved one's memory works, but it can save a lot of heartache just give them a plausible excuse.

Sideways, can they give her some antidepressants? Lordy mama, when I get to that NH phase of my life just get me some medical marijuana and a big plate of brownies. I'm hoping for Death by Chocolate. Gracias.

You can't reason with someone who is moderate to severely demented. I would tell her you are working on it and you will now in couple of days. She will never remember it. This may help bypass the first question and actually allow both of you both to have a nice visit. You cannot reason with someone who is that demented. I cared for my mother at home. She had her own bedroom and faithfully would wake me up at 2a and ask me when was I going to take her home to see her Mother and Father. I would take her back to bed and tell her we will leave in the morning. My Mother didn't remember her parents where dead and home was in Ireland. I answered her the way I did so she wouldn't get agitated. She would be up all night. Physically she could fall and hurt herself. She never remembered the question she asked or my response. There are a lot of times you have to appease them. So they stay happy. They won't remember. You mother probably doesn't even remember your visit. I hope this helps. Good luck!

My mother is in a NH as well (Parkinsons, stroke & dementia) and it's her last stop too. It's a lovely place but she's obsessed with buying another house and getting live in staff "when I can walk again". Hasn't walked for 9 months and never will. Can't sit up or go to the bathroom by herself either. The obsession makes her keep trying and she ends up on the floor quite often.

Personally I'd say something like "Well, you make sure you eat well and get lots of rest so you can get better, then we can make some plans". Hopefully that will appease her. If not, severely limit your visits - she won't remember whether you were there yesterday, last week or last month. You've done all you can and she is safe and cared for.

I got to the stage that the daily screaming/tantrum phone calls were making me ill so I changed my phone number. The NH has it with STRICT instructions not to give it to her but they call me for every little thing so I take it off the hook overnight. There are skilled staff on duty 24/7 and a hospital 4 km away. Whatever "it" is I'll deal with it tomorrow. She believes that my land line was playing up and as I rarely use it I got rid of it. At this point she believes fibs.

My mother is a life long A1 mean, manipulative and nasty narcissist who's made my life hell since I was a small child so I feel nothing for her and no guilt after selling my lovely home and quitting my career to care for her for 4 years of pure h***. Her shenanigans over the years caused me to have such stress that I recently had a small stroke TIA or "funny turn", whatever you want to call it. My mother has had many strokes and her mother and sister died from stroke. It was a wake up call indeed. It was either me or her.

I visit every so often, bearing chocolates, cookies, and other treats she craves, when I can stomach it and know I have a clear next day to sleep and get over it. I pay her bills and ensure she has all she needs but she's not sending me to an early grave!