My Mom refuses to move out of state with me. Any advice?

You might need to tell the relatives that your mother has no money, if that is the case. My own grown brothers thought Mom had financial resources that she did not have. One told the other to ask her for money when he himself had nothing to give him. I told them all how little Mom gets, how much she spends, and that there is absolutely nothing for relatives who cannot make their own way for whatever reason.

STOP! DO NOT PAY ANOTHER CENT! This will only get worse until you are financially destroyed. Also, get a DURABLE POA, not just a POA so she can't remove you when she loses her mind. And, oh, yeah, this is a pissing contest with a skunk: DON'T BLINK. She either moves out of state with you or she stays there and rots. Don't give in to this emotional and financial blackmail.

I want to mention that pami68's approach works with my Mom, for the most part. Usually, I might mention what I'm doing and, whether or not she gets upset, by the time we do it she's forgotten we're doing it and, when she's there, is fine. So, her moving in with me was kind of a combination. She did agree to come and we said she'd come to visit and then she kind of just ended up staying.

One more thing to consider -- driving. My mom always said she'd give up her car if she moved to another city because she didn't feel confident that she could learn the streets of a new city. I think she hesitated giving up that independence she got from having the car and that that also made her hesitant to move. She knew she'd be relying on us for rides, everywhere, more or less (although, we are applying for a senior transportation pass for her, next week).

Everyone has their reasons for hesitating and, if you can figure out what they are, you can sometimes figure out ways to get around them. My mom had these reasons:
* She liked being independent.
* She didn't want to be a burden.
* Like most human beings, she avoids change.
* She was afraid she'd hurt my brother's feelings if she moved-in with me and not him.

I have been a very strong member of Agingcare.Com for the past three years. Since I have been a Care Giver to the elderly and to my mother the past five year, I have shared a great deal of information and experience with Care Givers. At the same time, as I sit here reading what each of you have written, I can't begin to thank those of you who offer experience and wisdom. We have share good times and bad times with our parent(s). We must try to keep in mind the good times and hard times they have experienced during their life. We have had our turn of our parent(s) taking care of us and now it is our turn to help take care of them. We have been taught not to lie. I am sure most of you have heard the expression, "The parent becomes the child and the child becomes the parent". In most cases this statement is very true. I agree with what (IsntEasy) said, "KEEP IN MIND - when you're dealing with someone who has dementia, you'll always get further by entering their reality (even if it means fibbing and no matter how frustrating it is to you). In your mom's case, she KNOWS that she has the money to be the great benefactor to her relatives and no dose of reality from you will change that, so take a different approach. Be creative!". Please note my prayers are with each of you. Sincerely. Eva Lynn Pearl

Yes that is true and if you are not familiar with it, let us know and we will tell you.

p.s. - You should contact each of the leaching relatives and explain how the Medicaid look-back period works.

I have to tell you that I have seen this in action and it is not a pretty picture. My sister in law had a wonderful job and great pay. One day she had a brain aneurysm and died at 47. When my ex and his mother went into her home, she was living in absolute poverty circumstances in a house that would have to be torn down. How did she get this way? She had brothers and sisters who were leaches and stood around with their hands out constantly. She was a good sister and a soft touch and she ran up her credit card bills horribly to HELP ALL OF THEM! Her credit cards bills were huge and there was not way to pay anything off so they had to let the dilapidated house go back to the bank and they told all creditors there was no money to pay them and then they had to just toss all the mail that piled in.

I personally do not understand anyone that is willing to borrow/TAKE money from someone and never pay it back. These family members in your mothers life are BLOOD SUCKERS who will bleed her dry then pick her bones.

If you want to save her, you must get her Power of Attorney immediately for Finances and Medical then you have to step in and take over. Her accounts go into your name and you become the "gatekeeper" who no longer allows any family member or anyone else to take a penny from her. You will then be in charge of everything.

If you want to cut your losses and get out, then you move without Mom and let her melt down on her own. Do not be surprised if when she is on her absolute last leg, you find her sitting on your doorstep. She will most likely have no money and not be eligible for Medicaid as she has WASTED ALL HER MONEY AND WILL NOT PASS THE MEDICAID 5 YEAR LOOK BACK, SO YOU WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CARE!

I feel for you!! Good Luck!

I agree with Jeweltone....think long and hard before you move her in with you, She won't change her spending (or any other) habits just because she moves and it sounds like she is testing your patience levels now.

Would she qualify for Medicaid? Do you think she could keep the house for now and perhaps get some caregivers in place for help? If she is really in debt and can't pay for the house, is she ready for long-term care? Is she a danger to herself? I know, she could move in with this sibling :)

Pipruby has a good idea with setting up a payee to handle the finances especially if she is giving away money she needs to pay her bills.

How far away do you live? How often are you able to see her in person? Did her sibling and sibling's children take the money while knowing she can't afford to be giving money away? If they did, shame on them! We have this problem with my dad; fortunately in small amounts. He thinks he should always be the one paying when he and my mom go out for dinner with anyone, gives gas money to my sister and nephews and tries to give me gas money any time I drive up to see them. He doesn't realize that he needs to watch his budget because little amounts add up quickly.

What Pip said, too...

If your mother is in some why incapacitated such that she is not able to protect herself, contact Adult Protective services about your siblings' taking financial advantage of her. They can either set up a payee, so you are not in the middle of it all getting everyone's wrath, and help set her up in an appropriate living situation and see that it gets paid for. I also don't know if an elder lawyer might be helpful in addition to the usual purposes, to attempt to get money back that was "loaned" to the siblings. You may also be able to sell her house, assuming it is over #100K in value, and put the proceeds into a trust for your mother's care.

Why are you her only child or relative to care about this? Will they help her or help you to help her? If not, take charge, tell them what you'll do, then do the following:

1- Ensure you wont be liable for her debts.
2- Get power of attorney.
3- Clear out her house with or without the help of relatives and an estate sales company
4- Pack her up and take her with you.

Time after time i see people here who dont want to take charge of their parent(s)' business. Well, sometimes you MUST. I've had this convo with my son regarding my ex (his father's) very poor health. Son refuses to 'pry'. Without prior planning, it will be a mess. Stop dithering and just do it.

Tell your mom to call your siblings, and her sibling, for financial aid if she needs it. .Tit for tat.

Do you really want her to move with you? Honestly ask yourself that question. I struggled with that for the longest time. I was going to use the money from the sell of my mom's house and build a house to accomodate all of us. (kids, husband, me and mom) Well, now I know there is NO way I could live with her. She has finally decided to go to AL after a year of begging, pleading and all the above. I am thrilled to no end that I can release some of my duties, but I know it will not an easy fix, it will take some time. If it is miserable for you now, think what it would be like if she moved. I am serious. It does not get better. If you do want her to move, then creativity is key. She has to think it was her idea. Pulling back has been suggested to me many times. I started doing that and finally my mom gave in to moving to AL. She is still nervous about the move, but we are doing it this weekend. Good luck.

She sounds like she's dealing with some dementia and has lost her ability to understand the consequences of her actions with regards to her finances. So, she has a good excuse for throwing money around. You don't. Don't send her another penny. Explain as simply and as briefly as possible that you are no longer able to give her any money. No reasons, no arguing. Then give her two choices that you've worked out ahead of time - again, no arguing (you can't argue with someone who is unable to think logically).
You desperately need to get POA to even have a chance of rescuing her finances, so tread carefully and lightly. Depending upon her level of respect for professionals, it may be well worth taking her to see a lawyer or her doctor (who you should brief ahead of time).
KEEP IN MIND - when you're dealing with someone who has dementia, you'll always get further by entering their reality (even if it means fibbing and no matter how frustrating it is to you). In your mom's case, she KNOWS that she has the money to be the great benefactor to her relatives and no dose of reality from you will change that, so take a different approach. Be creative!

Heres what I did itook my mother to Colorado where i live. For a vacation, she stayed 3 weeks . The third week I took her to a apartment complex and said it was
For my husband and I when he moves out here. She loved the apartment and signed up the monday of the third week. You have to be sneaky, and go online and find an apartment for you and your mom.Belive me it will work. When you show her tha apartment, say its for you. Tell her avacation would be good for her, then plan the vacation. She will accept it happily. Pami

Been there done that with my parents.My sister became P.O.A and mom's check book was so screwed up..my sister made my mother(after my dad passed) move out of state with my handicapped brother to be closer to her.That was traumatic but absolutely imperative .If your mom is competent there is not much you can do, unless it is court ordered.If she refuses to move, no matter how imperative it is, all you can is get help from aging and disability resources.I am sure your local court house has some people who can advise you.Good luck

From experience, I learned that moving an elderly relative to a different state, did not work for us. It was too much for her and she had to be moved back, which was expensive and time consuming.

I agree that no more money can go to mom. We have had this problem, recently, too. Why can't anything be simple?

You don't say if she has dementia. If she has all her faculties and helping out other relatives thereby putting herself at financial risks, then that's HER problem. Do not help her out. That is called tough love.

Sorry, but I hit Submit before I got to the advice part. So, along with the others, would say not to give her money. I would almost let her get herself into such financial straights that her only option becomes to move-in with you, if that's what you think is best and are willing to do it. That is a little how I approached it.

Realistically, it's hard. And, if my Mom had been really desperate and living in desperate conditions, I have to wonder if I might have eventually caved-in, who knows.

A little of the same with my Mom. I couldn't get her to move because she didn't want to hurt my siblings' feelings by moving in with me. Finally, she had a bad health issue come up where she needed someone's care and I told her that she comes to my house and moves-in or she finds another solution either on her own or with my siblings' help. She opted to move-in with me.

She tried to borrow money from me to lend to my siblings'. I was suspicious why she was borrowing money. I thought it was to fix-up her house and I told her that she needed to move out if she couldn't afford to keep it up (which she hasn't really been able to). It turns out that she'd lent siblings money now tried to borrow money from me to fix the house. I just plain said "no."

This all might sound harsh but: 1) Her mental health hasn't been good-enough for her to remain on her own but good-enough that she couldn't be forced to move. 2) She really couldn't afford to keep her house. It's old, needed a lot of work, it's sad, but I can't afford it, either, AND, since the money would be split, me struggling to give her money to fix it doesn't mean I'd get a larger split of the final house sale proceeds because we're not that generous in my family.

Get a P.O.A. ASAP if she has dementia

You say that Mom has dementia. Shame on the siblings for taking advantage of her!

Unless she has been judged incompetent by a court and you are her guardian, you cannot force to make sensible decisions with her money or about where she lives. But you certainly can make decisions about what you do with your money. Do stop enabling her self-destructive behavior of living beyond her means.

Cut her off, she is a financial black hole. Go back home and tell her she's got to act like an adult and not a kid with a bag of candy.