My brother is Mom's caretaker, he's controlling, will not answer our queries, and or allow our help. What can I do?

As I read your original post it occurred to me that there might be cultural influences going on here and that your brother is part of a male-centered, chest-thumping patriarchal culture in which case it not just about his behavior or his controlling nature (which could stem from God only knows what) but an ingrained, societal and cultural background which would make it almost impossible for brother to change.

Do what you can do, talk to your mom as much as you can, maybe send her cards occasionally to let her know you're thinking of her, let your brother know you're there if he needs help and know that you've done all that you can do.

Thanks very much,that's good advice and I will try. She is mentally competent. She was laughing when she rebuffed my inquiry about her caretaker or doctor, so I presume she is happy as is and I am being intrusive here. She has a full time caretaker now so I should not worry. Except she calls us sisters up periodically and worries us with her illnesses-but since I am not allowed to know the caretaker or the new doctor, I have no information if she has a bout where she cannot speak and it puts me in a situation where I cannot help beyond hoping for the best for her.

Something smells here. I think Captain is correct in some of his comments. This is your mother and your brother's actions would lead me to think some abuse is going on here. Also, don't believe that your mother taking his side means she is happy with this situation. Possibly she is afraid of your brother. He sounds a bit off centered.

If your mother is mentally competent and seems to be,happy with the situation, then I would stay out of it. But if you suspect abuse you need to speak up before something terrible happens.

Mombro, for the sake of your sanity look at this the other way round.

Your mother is not excluding you, she is freeing you. Against form, against character maybe, against tradition perhaps, she wants you to concentrate on your life, your career, your needs. Accept this as her gift to you.

I completely understand your wanting to 'carry forward' the debt that you (not I!) feel you owe your late father, but you have been released from it. Your mother is being well cared for, by a child who, you must assume, loves her just as much as you do.

If you want to make your mother happy, contact her frequently, send her news of your life (especially but not exclusively the happy bits!), show her that you're thinking of her, tell her that you love her. And above all, do as she asks and try not to worry about her.

She has given you full and free permission to let go of responsibility for her care. Accept it as her blessing.

Thank you for all your replies, they are immensely supportive and helpful.
I lost my dad, who was my best friend when I was in college; he was very ill for a while and I was his source of medic info, given my hospital interactions. I can speak calmly and logically and that was something he relied on-and he trusted me completely. He died just after I visited him. I felt guilty that I could have done more, I was not proactive enough and too timid and I should have seen it coming, it was staring at my face but I very illogically refused to believe he could possibly die. So my guess is I am overanxious about mom and want to make sure I am proactive about her health and care. I also know my dad would expect and rely on me to do so. I have been calling mom and checking on her without interfering so far to keep the peace. Today, she sounded better enough to speak, she was worried about some things and her health, so I asked about her new caretaker and doctor-and she said what my brother said, that I did not need to know and all I needed to know was she was well taken care of. I know I should feel grateful not to be permitted to be involved with caretaking, given how much people on this forum endure but I am a bit shocked-I guess I never believed my mom would want to exclude me from her care circle, given how she complains and worries about things and always used to call me about them for reassurance. I wonder what I have done so wrong that she should want to exclude me. Everything so far in my relationship with my mom feels like a total charade. I have some growing up to do to be able to accept this so that I can just be available for her at a distance without getting so personal about it.

Mombro, why are you bothering? I'm not being rude, it's a serious question. When you know why, you will then know what exactly you need to achieve. Then you concentrate on getting that done, enlisting help as you need it. But if it isn't possible to achieve what you want, for example, if your mother is located in a country where there is no system for protecting elders that we would recognise, then you will have to accept that and leave it there.

Credit where it is due. Praise your brother for his devotion to your mother. Do not praise him for being a pig-headed moron who can't recognise help and support when they're offered to him. Do not praise him for refusing to answer perfectly reasonable questions. Do not praise him for preventing your mother from seeing her daughters, if she wishes to.

Best of luck. I still can't help feeling that these two thoroughly deserve each other; but clearly you are a more loving individual than I am, who doesn't want to wash her hands of them. All credit to you, then, too.

the guy sounds about two fries short of a happy meal. if hes violent and closed minded you have your work cut out for you if your going to try reasoning with him. i still think primary doc is the key player. send him a note explaining your brothers actions . he is the person legally responsible for the patient and he can draw from a lot of resources .. he could put bro in his place with only a few choice words..

Thanks very much. Your answers are very helpful. You are right, they do like to be together. She has a new dr and nurse caretaker but I have no idea what they think as he will not tell us sisters their names or allow a visit. He answers usually and Mom cannot talk currently more than a third of a sentence without getting uncontrollable coughing fits and breathing trouble. My sister lives three hours away but has no access either. If I hint that I am willing to help whenever he wishes -he becomes volatile and tells me that I am not wanted and my help is not required.
After reading your replies, I feel I should praise him more, given how hard it must be, and just call periodically-that should hint at my availability without offending him.

What Captain said. By the way, you don't have to call him a dumb f*** to his face. Though you might feel better for it.

Ironically, the bitter spite and hatred probably come from resentment that you don't do more to help. You know and I know that you don't do more because he is stopping you; but I doubt he factors that in.

I think, in your place, I'd probably just count my blessings that he didn't have any control in my own life. Your mother worships the ground he walks on. Fine. Let's just hope she never has to find out about the feet of clay.

Where are they based, out of interest?

if hes denying his mother help from any source , imo, he doesnt have his moms best interests in mind. tryin to be a hero. your mom will probably want to mend fences with everyone around her before she passes and each family member should spend some time alone with her if possible to permit that possibility.
isolating your parent is a red flag where elder abuse is concerned.
dont give up. email bro, tell him you think hes doing a great job and you realize its a very difficult job. then tell the dumb f**k that caregiving is best done by a team and youd like to be on the team.

Maybe they are both so much alike that they actually enjoy being together? As long as your mom's mental faculties are okay, then I wouldn't worry too much. I assume she sees a dr. regularly and possibly has visiting nurses come? If they see no red flags then I would agree to "let it be" and also to count your blessings. Caregiving (in my situation anyway) is a type of hell on earth. It's destroyed my life .. because i HAVE no life. On that happy note, take care and try not to worry. :)

Thank you both very much. I agree, I should let it be since this is what she wants and I am sure he will do his best. I worry I am abandoning her-that mom is going with it just to please him/keep peace with him and because she is helpless-I will just make sure she knows we are there for her in the background.

I agree that its not right that he prevents you from even knowing basic things that you are worried about. It is even less right that your mother goes along with this. But she does, according to you. Be glad that you think he will take care of her, and back away. If she wants to live as if she only has a son and no daughters, I guess that is her right, sad as it is.

Let it be. You cannot change them. They have their own little world.