My mother who is 89 moved in with my husband and I alittle over a year ago. She is healthy but her eyesight and hearing is poor, even with her hearing aids she can't hear well. I am at the point where I can't even stand being in the same room as her. I am overwhelmed with grief over this. When I was in my 20's and 30's we were very close (we did not live together) and always promised her I would always take care of her. Now I am taking care of her and I'm so unhappy. We've had "the talks" where I had to set boundaries and tell her she already raised me and didn't need to know everything I'm doing and everywhere I'm going and when to wear a jacket and when to comb my hair. She also gets very upset when I spend a day with my husband (on his day off) and she is not invited. Mom is very sarcastic and will also say what's on her mind.She is manipulative which I've tried to stop her from being and sometimes negative. I feel guilty because I feel the love I had for her is no longer there.Is it because my world has been turned upside down now that I no longer have my privacy and can no longer do what I want when I want? Do I resent her being here? I know I am burdened with the feelings of not wanting her to be alone too much, not wanting her to eat alone,etc. but she does not want to make new friends at church and she just basically wants me all to herself. I'm 57 and have MS and don't feel well most of the time but when she walks in the room I tighten up, put up a wall and just feel like I'm burdened because I feel as her daughter I should be focusing on her and her needs. I try to take care of myself, exercise when I feel up to it but lots of time I hide in my room just to get away from her. I just don't want to be around her and it's killing me. As I write this I am in bed, sniffling because we had a little fight, she said something sarcastic and I got mad and snapped at her, then she cried. So I ended up going to my room, getting into bed and cryed. Why don't I like her anymore? My 30 year old son said I need to find her an apartment but I just can't. I promised her I would take care of her but I know she sits in her room and is lonely. Why can't I bring myself to feel sorry for her when all I feel is burdened and guilt?
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Of course you love your mom. We all love our moms and dads. That's why we feel like such shits when we secretly wish they'd fall off the planet and disappear. That's why we feel so guilty all the time. Yes, it's about HER, but it's about YOU, too. That's why it's so important to find a balance in care giving.
If your mom is able to live on her own, why not try and find her housing with another elderly lady, somewhere close by? You can visit often, have her come visit you, but you can also go home to your husband and have the alone time, ME time and peace that you need.
You don't mention alz or dementia. Is she still of sound mind at this point, able to do things for herself?
Every elderly person has a darkside you will find you wish you never learned.Based on your topic,Why don't I like my Mom anymore?Sounds like you found the darkside.Reverse the question if you wasn't your Parent's caregiver?Sometimes it's best to let a outsider be a caregiver.Then,you can seat back and enjoy your parents how it should be.
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Lifestyles have changed from the days of old, where people had big houses on their country farms and elders died young. Still we are stuck in the old mentality of caring for elders. What I would like to see the baby boomer generation do is start breaking away from this old model that doesn't work anymore. Senior living communities sound marvelous -- social interaction and looking out for each other, freeing the younger people from having to tolerate the warm temperatures and things that often go with aging.
Still don't know how to fit dementia into the rosy picture. It is happening so much now. The villages they have in Europe (Denmark? Holland? I forget) sound wonderful, but I don't think the US would spend that kind of money.
When I was younger I thought it would be great to have my parents live with me. Gosh, I would still have my career and it would be like "Father Knows Best" coming home to a cooked meal, clean house, and mowed lawn. I never pictured my parents being in their 90's. I never pictured my Mom being almost deaf/blind. I never pictured my Dad never driving again. I never pictured them always napping. Gone are the great conversations. Now Dad likes to tell stories of his childhood/college years which I have heard 100 times, and to converse with my Mom I am lucky if she catches one word to even know what the subject matter.
I had never promised them that I would take care of them when they got older, they probably assume I would since I am an only child. They are still living independently in their own house, but I know some day that will change. How I wish they would move now into a retirement community [lot of really great ones here in my area] so that they can get use to the place and to meet new friends... look at all the new ears Dad would have for his stories. And my parents would have MORE control over their lives instead of always depending on me to fulfilled their outside needs. And my visits would be QUALITY time, instead of being an errand person.
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