I need to tell dad, who's in the beginning of dementia, that choosing my sister as POA will cause problems. Advice?

And, to add to all of that . . . last night sometime my girlfriend, and one whom was struggling at 53 ended her life. I am not sure of any of the details, as her body is still with the medical examiner, but wow, talk about bam bam bam, at times, it is peaceful, just to remove myself, and take care of a client during the middle of the night. Her step mom called me this am. I am assuming she took her life by what was told to me, but really without any closure, and she was not doing well, but I really am in a shaken state, but clear enough to surely enjoy the fact that I am alive, and breathing clean air. Life is precious, that is one thing, I have never taken for granted.

pstgmn -- rage no, anger, no (better understanding and just a place to reach out, yes). And my mother is still living with severe last level Alzheimer's. So yes, the reality of life, is I am facing my mother and father's live's to end, when the time is ready, that feels like pins and needles, as I have been dealing with mothers Alzheimer for 8 years, and father has newly diagnosed dementia that is (aphasia). That means that he remembers everything, he just cannot speak it out, he will eventually become mute. That is why his doctors still deem him competent, and he does know right from wrong, and is able to go stay in his house if we drive him, he does not turn the oven on the stove on, and we turn the heat on. We have a caregiver check on him every day.

Annienonomouse -- correct BINGO…. medicaid has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
Thanks so much.

I could be wrong but my take on it is that maybe KayDeb is thinking that once her parents pass her sisters are going to hold onto an empty house rather than sell it. Then she might have to go after them legally to force them into selling the house. Not sure though what the deal is with Medicaid then since the homestead is an exempt asset ... but wondering if once the house is sold wouldn't Medicaid get the assets from the sale then? Maybe it has to be held for a certain amont of time after their demise? Not sure if that's what KayDeb is trying to get across and ask ... but that's what I'm getting out of it.

captain: POA was chosen by putting three names in a cup and drawing one name out.

Thank you Debralee for your sincereness.

pstegman, what is up? "big house" and do not worry, I have already done what is necessary, and none of that was in the original question, can we please close this post.? Thank you.

poa was probably chosen over years of agononizing by the parent. they might screw it up but they were likely chosen for their sense of selflessness / fairness..

If the home will be sold after your parents death, then you will be entitled to 1/3 the procedes. Hope that that is what your sister's want or they will have to give you 1/3 the fair market value of the home.

Good Start. Now, go to the assessors office for the town where the big house is, and look up who owns it. You can probably do this online. It should show your father's name. IF it says "life tenant" then the house is already in a trust. I think you know what a trust is, right?

1/3 1/3 1/3 yes there is a will

You never mentioned if there was a will, only a POA which ends in death. If there is a will, how are the assets divided?

I give up.

Kaydeb, so sorry you have lost your husband, my condolences.
As for the POA, you could go to court and challenge the appointment, but be fairly advised, where siblings cannot agree on a POA, the Judge will appoint an independent guardian that neither of you may want.
Again, POA ends at death, and the Executor takes over and must follow the instructions in the Will. With a large amount of assets, you go to Surrogate's Court for "Probate". A second battle will likely ensue, and again, the Judge appoints an impartial third party for the Probate.

Actually, this post has way lost the original intent, and I did ask all of the questions very clearly at the beginning, it is the people that started writing questions, that were not looking at my main issues, and it was clearly stated at the beginning.

Try again for another day.

Geo123, thanks you actually added something to my question that was real, not a person that was angry at life, so many people say, get out, don't deal with siblings and end all things involving your parents assets asap. My father wants us to have what he has worked very hard for because he has more than plenty saved up, and that is just the way my father is. He is caring sharing and loves his children (adult) very much. We have all taken two years a piece to take our parents inside each of our homes to assist them in their Activities of Daily life. My mother has Alzheimer's and father has a Aphasia type Dementia. Thank you for all of the KIND supportive, not bitter people that have assisted me.

You are the people that will go somewhere in this world. I don't do well with bitter people.

You know what? Reversroles, someday email me, I would like to get to know you as I have seen specific themes in your answers.

Secondly, I asked this question not for me, for my father. My father has worked hard, and I am the youngest daughter and there is much in between the lines, but the one thing he worked hard more is to make sure his daughter(s) have had a happy upbringing and life. That is important to him. I believe it is important to acknowledge him and tell him how much I appreciate all that he has done. I have realized on this website I should have not asked a few too personal questions.
The reason I will need an attorney and I cannot forget it is because

When a person passes away their Durable Power of Attorney is no longer valid. That being true, when your parents pass away whomever has their power of attorney will lose the authority to take any action on their behalf. Unless there is a co-owner on financial accounts the power to access your parents financial accounts, make decisions regarding their real estate, pay debts, etc. will fall to the executor of their estate. Please, before you invest too much emotion and thought into who has POA for your father, consider what it really means and what the responsibilities are that go along with it. The law may vary between states. I have lived it in Alabama but you should check locally.

I think having POA does give power. I have POA over everything for my mother and I do realize I have to be careful not to abuse it. If it were a situation where I wanted to punish my slbling, do something dishonest, that kind of thing, it's my opinion that it would rather easy.

In my case, my mother really needed some help and asked me to do it. Our agreement is that, for now, she does everything she is capable of, but that I help, but some day will probably do more. For example, she can't balance her bank book without help nor write the checks for her bills and I help her, but I don't just do it for her. It occurred to me that it would save me time to do it for her, but I want to keep her independent and proud as much as I can and I don't want to appear to just be taking over. Not every POA takes this view of it and I think there really is concern where siblings hate each other that the POA probably really could find ways to abuse it.

PS Even if the house IS sold, the money can NOT go to anyone until both parents have died. You do not even become a beneficiary until they both die. The POA legally might be able to sell or rent that house, but NOT give any money away until their death, thats the law, been there myself. If the POA did, they would be responsible.That money is for the parents only and no one can change that except if the parent is of sound mind and gives someone money. The POA can not give out anything regardless of her being nice or not, its against the law.

No one owes us an inheritance. Our parents money should go to their care First and if we should be so fortunate to receive anything in the end, so be it. They earned it, they deserve the best of care with it. Any POA who is taking unnessary ,unrecorded money from a parent will be in huge trouble in the end and owe it back.Being a POA isnt just being "the boss" its a true highly responsible job and it must be done 100% correct. Forget the money, forget the siblings, do the right thing and if taking care of a parent isnt for free and you cannot do it, then dont do it We have to all take care of ourselves however we can without counting on someone else, or worrying that someone else is stealing a parents money,let it go and move on.

Realtime, I think the general answer is that the asset must be sold and the proceeds split as directed in the will. If one party wants to buy the others out that can work, too.

In this case the owner of the house is still living, and it is not yet an inheritance.

As I read about Kaydeb's worries, I realized I don't know how families usually handle it when one heir wants to sell inherited real estate and the others don't. Is there any way that one heir can oblige others to sell, or to buy out his or her share? Or does it depend entirely on the good will of the heirs and their ability to work together to reach a good solution?

Keydeb, your husband died two weeks ago? I am so sorry to hear that. No wonder your story is not completely coherent! I remember what I was like in that stage of my grief.

So you are a professional financial planner, and you are "moonlighting" as a 40-hours-per week caregiver because you need the money? And you were doing this for a couple of weeks before your husband died, and have continued to do it since? You must be so stressed and upset. No wonder your sisters' behavior and excluding you from their social lives, etc. is especially upsetting to you at this time.

Give yourself a break in trying to work this all out. Deal with your grief. I was advised not to make any drastic or permanent decisions for many months -- a year if possible -- after my husband died. I think that is good advice.

Please accept my condolences.

Your sister has Dad's Power of Attorney. She has responsibility to decide whether to rent the house, sell it, let it sit empty, etc. It sounds like your dad is still competent to make his own decisions, and if that is the case, she has responsibility to carry out his wishes. If he wants it rented, she should be trying to arrange that on his behalf.

Even if she communicated brilliantly with you and your other sister, even if she listened carefully to your input, she would still have the final responsibility. She could still let the house sit empty (assuming your father doesn't have other wishes).

It sounds like you suggested to your father that he change POA, and he decided not to. That is his right.

So what is it you want advice about? We can't tell you how to transform your sister into the kind of person you'd like her to be, and we can't tell you how to convince your dad to change behavior it sounds like he's been exhibiting for many years. What kind of advice are you looking for?

And I am sorry that you apparently feel attacked by us posters. We can only react to what you tell us.

No I don't want to be POA, I want the POA to be communicative, and no I have a job, I don't need anyone's income but my own. I have worked 80 hours for four weeks (helping a dear family) that is short term). I am a financial planner and have money, just trying to figure things out. My husband had a heart attack two weeks ago and died. I want no handouts, this is a website where we can write just to get ideas, not get dumped on.

No difference really but, let me explain, when my sister's husband died, she changed, and I tried to be their for her, and she let go from all of her sisters (including my other one too), and does not talk to anyone, at all. There are no ways that I can realistically have a conversation with her. She is stuck in her own stuff.
Therefore, before all this happened, she was named the POA, which was fine when she was communicating with both of us. She is not. At All. She clearly stated, she is keeping the house that mom and dad have regardless of off it sits empty.
It is highly unadvisable to have a POA that does not have good communication skills with those that will need to be part of the solution in getting things done.

AGAIN, I am a bit frustrated that I cannot make a statement, or let me rephrase, I feel like when I make a statement about my parents house, you all feel as if I am sitting here waiting for that. Let me tell you what I think about wills. I expect nothing in life, nothing is ever handed to a person, and anything given is a bonus.

The reason for the attorney's is because every attorney I have talked too has stated that it is almost impossible to have a POA that has NO COMMUNICATION, and there are things I can do in the court to get information out of her. i.e. she has made it known, she is not going to share public information with us.

But, please people, I am an adult, and obviously there are many adults out there living off of someone else's money. My parents lived with me, and I paid the entire cost and quit my job and took care of them for zero because they are my parents. I paid for their food, because they took care of me when I was a baby, and it is obvious that there must be greedy people that all they want is there parents money. NO NO NO, forget all of it. my gosh you don't think I am trying in the last 2 weeks to come up with a totally different financial plan???? Of course, and NONE has to do with my parents EVER. I have never taken a penny from my parents. They raised me to work and work hard. That is what I have done since I had graduated for college. So please will everyone get OUT OF THEIR head that I am banking on some kind of money from my parents.

I just say this. If/When my parents whom I adore pass on, it would be ashamed to hold onto a house that is two hours away and has sat empty for the last two years. If I were POA, we could have rented that to create income for my dad to help with expenses he has. I say he has, because I haven't even mentioned my mother whom is in a living facility for Alzheimer's.

Thank you and I hope all has been understood. I AM NOT A MONEY HUNGER, NOR DO I NEED FINANCIAL ADVICE, MY HUSBAND just died, and you write things just to see the answers. I appreciate one person whom will read this.

So you want to be POA and you want to have income? You work 80 hours a week plus you are their caregiver? But they are in a nursing home? You are a financial planner but you have no money? Your husband is very sick but not on Medicare?

First, I agree with annet: You need to make a financial plan for yourselves that does not depend on your inheritance. Many things could happen before your parents' deaths that could have a big impact on the amount you can inherit. If you do inherit a substantial sum, let that be a bonus, but figure out how to do without it. I am very sorry for your husband's disability and loss of income. Believe me, I know first hand how devastating that is.

Second, I do not understand how which one of you has POA as any impact on what you will inherit. How will having a sister with POA create legal fees for you? I hope you will explain this a little more, because it seems to be the heart of the issue and we could address it better if we understood it.

My father went to change the POA to me, but my sister (whom lost her husband early), and has a house paid off and had a life insurance policy of $500,000 just threw a temper tantrum, my father said "I give up, you two older ones grow up, be adults, stop being children, and allow your younger sister a say in this world"

Comments to those who wrote please read. I am talking of their house when they pass on, not during their lives, and no I am not greedy, this is something that my father talks about freely. It is not as if it is something that we are all waiting for them to die, that is far from the truth. I am the main care giver for both of them. Meaning, I take them out on outings, I purchase things they need, etc. This comment is for AFTER THEY have PASSED ON. So, the answer would be this house because of the location will be sitting EMPTY, and my take is, my sisters almost hate me, just because my parents have put me in positions to make decisions, and as far as Dementia and competent. His doctor stated that he IS COMPITENTANT. As I stated, he is starting to show signs, and just signed his original will last week. With that being said.

The reason that I am working 80 hours is because my husband had a heart attack, and we have lost his income to live on. Eventually, we are going to sell our house, but I am very financially smart, and don;t want to jump before it is the right situation.

Do not judge until you really know the entire situation, that is why I am trying to make sure you all know. I am a financial planner. We lost $4,000 per month in income, and there is no way with care giving I can make that up, and 80 is just temporary. Clearly no one could do that and not go nuts.