My grandma passed away in December and we're supposed to have an unavailing between May and July. We haven't gone for a headstone yet because my aunt wants to have a say in what goes on the headstone. We were just going to have the same writing that is on my grandfather's stone. She's insisting that she be apart of the decision, meanwhile she wasn't even around when my grandma was on the decline. She chose going to Florida and going on a cruise rather than being with her mother in her final weeks. She even got mad at us for postponing the funeral as we awaited for her to make it up from Florida and her son come in with his family from California. She wasn't answering our calls and she was only talking to my uncle's wife who hardly had any details herself, then held onto them as an I know something you don't know type of deal. My mom and my other aunt already know that their sister and her husband aren't going to contribute any money to the stone, so why should we have to wait for her?
I want to go take care of the stone because I know this is not what my grandmother would have wanted. I already know there is conflict because my mom and aunt agree that the stone shouldn't say Great Grandmother because my grandma NEVER saw her Great Grandchildren.... My cousins always made excuses and my aunt never put her foot down to them trying to make them do the right thing. It's even only saying Grandma just because I was the only grandchild who cared about her.
Anybody have advice or have a similar situation that they could shed light on? I feel obligated to do right by my grandmother, and to me that's doing how it's always been... All decisions made by my aunt, mother and myself. My aunt and mother's older siblings wanted little to nothing to do with my grandmother while she was alive, why do they feel obligated to have a say in decisions surrounding her stone, and unavailing?
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Aunt and one cousin are coming one day to go through the jewelry and aunt is settling with a copy of grandmas marriage cert, and my uncle is settling for a copy of grandpas army discharge papers...
Mom and aunt don't want to see their siblings again so when it's time for the unveiling, we're going to go, then let them go.
My aunt asked my mom how I had been handling everything, I told my mom everyone has my phone number... They could have called....
Things went better than both my mom and aunt expected.. Although Uncle's wife tried taking digs at me because of things my cousin has apparently been doing... Wasn't there to know exactly what was said... Don't care anymore.... I just say God Don't like Ugly and she's ugly down to her heart and he sees it.
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I highly recommend a rubbing and color snapshot if you want a good match. It was very helpful to the monument company for sizing things up.
He who pays for the headstone decides what it says, I would pay for it and write a generic "in loving memory" or you will live on in our hearts. It is a headstone, it is not a biography.
End this, someone needs to be the hero and step forward to a compromise, else the family wedge will be too deep to heal. If the wedge is already too deep, then just do what you want and walk away.
What silliness to break family ties over a few words that no one will care about 40 years from now.
Frankly if you are going to list all her familial roles then it should be listed, even if she was not particularly close to the kids, she did contribute to their bloodline. Are you going to list wether she was a daughter, wife sister? One has many roles in a well lived life......how about..."A life well lived, she will be missed"
The excuses that were given in the past for their absences were
"I'm busy."
"I'm going away."
"I can't this week maybe next week."
"Call me when you want to come over."
"The house isn't in order, its not a good idea."
"I'll be in Florida"
"I have plans."
"We have to go to my parents"
"Why can't Danielle (me) take care of it?"
"Where's your other daughters?"
"Why can't my sisters take off from work?"
Those were the excuses we often heard anytime we made an attempt for my grandmother to spend any time with my cousins, or my aunt and uncle. Hence why she gave up trying.
My siblings although they live in another state, they've made efforts, my grandma has stayed up until about 12:30 in the morning to skype for just 15 minutes because that was when everyone, including my step mom was home. I've talked on the phone with them and then they have asked to say hello to my grandmother, or asked to be put on speaker just to say a quick hello. It was easy for them and they're the ones besides my cousin in Cali who live the futherst from my grandmother and they still managed to make an effort... so what excuse is there for my other cousins?
I shared with my mother and aunt the wishes that my grandmother told me and I told them that I would like to honor them as much as possible without conflict. So far the most we have done in respect to my grandmother was have a graveside service and I gave a eulogy. Everything else we can't do because of the unnecessary drama.
Honestly, as grandma started to decline. My step mom started to make preperations for my siblings so that she could come up and stay with us and be a fulltime aid for my grandmother... and that was her decision not forced on her by anybody in the family.
I think most of it has to do with guilt. I don't think they want to explain to people the truth about what happened. I think my Aunt and her husband do not want to look bad to their friends, even though it already looks bad because they were on a cruise when grandma passed even though they were told that grandma's health was declining fast. Both families are very concerned about how they appear to those around them while my mother, aunt and myself tend to accept people and the world for its flaws and we're not about to deny anything that has happened with the family and its dynamics. We all know the truth, my aunt and uncle's spouses have final say in their lives. It was easy to drive a wedge in the family... I say they all deserve eachother because its only a matter of time before somebody doesn't buy the right present and then they will be picking up the phone trying to make things right again with my mom and aunt.
Ask them...
Think back all these years, WHO visited grandmother?
WHO helped out grandmother? WHO was there for her?
All these years, they have ignored her. Did Not find the time to visit her. Not even a phone call. Not on holidays, not on holy days, not even on her birthday.
WHY now that she's dead, they want to put this on her tombstone? What Did Grandmother Want????
In the end, they will end up doing what the aunt wants. Go with the flow and not rock the boat too much.
bookluvr-- Mom had to give some type of deadline because there were several headstone companies that were calling with quotes. Meanwhile they got my mom's email and just decided to ignore it until after they had conversed with eachother and decided that there should be a dinner at a resturant that nobody but my uncle's wife likes. I'm not invited because I am a "child" but like my mom and aunt said I knew my grandmother's dying wishes and my aunt and uncle and their spouses just don't want to accept the reality that out of all my grandmother's grandchildren. Myself and my half siblings (my dad remarried after he and my mom divorced, mom and grandma accepted my siblings with open arms)are the grandkids who cared and put the most effort into a relationship with my grandmother. What bugs them most is that I know my grandmother's wishes and I can't excute them because nobody wants to listen to me because they think its just lies in benefit to my mom and aunt.
Still no word from Aunt and Uncle, and their spouses haven't contacted us either. We'll have to see what happens with them being contacted by the monument place.
Hopefully I will have good news soon.
Good luck.
My aunt wanted to have a say in everything with the headstone but she has not returned any phone calls and neither has my uncle, it's been 10 days since my mom emailed both my aunt and uncle and 3 days since her 2nd email and there hasn't been a reply or phone call..they've let my mother's phone calls go to voice mail as well. My grandma's sister (She's 87) is absolutely horrified at the behavior of all my aunts and uncles and cousins. She has called my aunt and uncle and gave them a what for and still there has been nothing from anybody. We are slowly being left with no choice but to move forward.
I really didn't ask for people to jump down my throat about it, I just wanted to know what others have done in dealing with similar situations.
The woman from the headstone company contacted me this afternoon and said she will gladly send my aunt and uncle letters stating that they have been contacted and what the plans were and how much it's going to cost and will contact us if either of them contacts her. She admitted that she has seen worse.
As for stating that I was the only grandchild who cared about her, she said "What did I do to my grandchildren that they don't love me? They don't call me, they don't send me pictures. They don't visit me. What did I do?" I gave her a big hug and told her I love her and even if we didn't live in the same house nothing would have changed our relationship."
I consider myself very lucky to have spent as much time as I did with her and at times it was very frustrating when help was needed and not one family member stepped up, but to each their own at this point right?
anyway, ive learned to flow along with nut cases. they are trying to rile you and they have a public meltdown when they realize it aint gonna happen..
my older sis lives 5 miles from aunt edna right now but isnt about to go see her. she'll be front and center for a funeral later tho. i wont be there. let those saps get their comfort from youporn like everybody else..
So, I understand where you're coming from about your aunt and her kids never really being there or visiting your grandmother. I understand where you can honestly say that you are the only grandchild to care for her.
I just wished your mom just not give your aunt a deadline. But I understand that she's trying to be neutral. Yes, I understand that cruises are fully paid and she may not get her money back so that she can attend her mother's funeral. (Just like my siblings tell me that they have no money to help out - to pay for someone to caregive a few hours a week to relieve me - but these same siblings can travel several times a year and stay at hotels, eat out in restaurants,etc...)
Too bad we're not mean or hardhearted like them. If I was, I would put on grandma's tomb that she was a great grandmother who never met her great grands. sigh... I really need to stop reading these vampire books. I find that when i read it, I tend to be so blunt and hardhearted... Well, please let us know how it turns out. I'm so curious if and how your aunty will respond. My condolence on your grandmother. {Hugs}
Mom emailed Aunt and Uncle about Grandma's stone, with a picture of Grandpa's stone telling them that due to cost, we we're going with a smaller stone but pretty much everything that was on grandpa's stone will be on Grandma's. Aunt and Uncle were given until April 1st to respond with their input and if they were going to share the cost. If neither answers by April 1st, April 5th (Mom is having medical procedure on April 2nd, and Aunt I live with cannot handle the situation of Grandma's stone) we move forward with Grandma's stone being completed.
If her headstone is going to acknowledge her as a wife, mother and grandmother, then it ought also to acknowledge her as a great-grandmother. She was one. She is entitled to have that status recognised as part of her memorial.
This is more important than either letting your aunt have her say or, on the other hand, putting her in her place and punishing her for her lack of filial duty. If you can prevent it, do not allow animosity among her descendants to deprive your grandmother of her due.
If you are fortunate enough to be able to absorb the expense, take the high road, take care of the problem and leave the cackling losers behind.