What do you say to your very, very independent Mom who's dying?

Listen, hold her hand, agree that it's hard and if she has faith that the spirit lives without pain, let her know that you are certain you'll always feel her with you.
Blessings to you both,
Carol

So difficult, my heart goes out to you. Sometimes I would just lie next to dad when he was in this state... he didn't want to be alone. We said "I love love," a million times. I expressed how proud I was that he was my dad, and what a great difference he has made in my life. We reminisced and I assured him that mom and I would be alright, I would take care of her, this was important to him. He went through a range of emotions from fear, to acceptance. Our company was the most important thing... sharing in this great transition.

Agree with her. Say how sorry you are that the transition to heaven (or whatever she is envisioning after death) is so difficult, that you wish there was some way you could make it easier, that you love her -- etc. Whatever is in your heart at this time.

Is Mom on hospice? It's purpose is to make the final journey a little easier for the patient and the family. If Mom isn't using that service it might be something to consider.

I am faced with the same situation. It is very difficult to answer, I don't know if you are a faith filled family - we always differ her situation to the Lord. Mom has been battling stage 4 cancer for years. We focus on the things she can do and ask God for understanding and patience for the things she can't do. We sometimes have the habit of changing the subject when a person who is dying talks about it - Don't. Allow her to talk, that way she wont' feel all alone on this journey. Cry about it later. Comfort with out being preachy. Make her laugh, sometimes make her laugh about herself.

Tell her everything you love about her, everything you know you will miss, everything you're proud of - keep talking, or just be there, and be strong for her. You will have time for yourself later. Hold tight. God (or whatever you personally have faith in) bless you.

Such beautiful answers. There is no more meaningful time for us to do our best to share and show love, than this time, when we know someone we love is approaching death. I didn't have close parents growing up, and so, in my later work in elder care, I found myself grateful for some of my elders, and with ongoing visits I grew very fond and familiar with some of them. With a treasured elder who died at 106, I worked overnights, and thus had many occasions to keep her company, and listen to her expectations. As some here have described - she had been independent in her life, and was not sure she believed in heaven. I agreed with her, that we really don't know for sure, but that it is clear from the nature of this always-growing universe, that some growing process is responsible for our lives here. So it is possible that there is a heaven,even if we do not know, and there may not be. But I assured her that whatever meaning there is, she had brought love and encouragement to so many, she has done a great job, and she is in good favor of any possibilities that are ahead. I believe this is true of everyone, for everyone has moments in their lives, when they saw a kindness needed, and they gave it. I don't believe it's necessary to evaluate how often, or any mistakes, for misunderstandings are rampant as a changing world evolves. So my elder lady was comforted by the fact that I heard her worry, understood how she could feel, and also reaffirmed that she had made a huge difference to many, including me.

Tell her you love her. Remind her of the the good times you've shared. Tell her they won't be forgotten. And record as many of her memories as you can. You will miss them when she's gone.

My sympathies to you and mom. What do you say to anyone who is dying, what do you say to anyone whom has lost someone they cherish? There are no words, there is no solace for the loss, sometimes just being there holding each other, loving them in the day is all you can do. We only have one day, today, so live it the best way possible and cherish it, let go of anything else.

Love her and play her favorite music. That can lift her spirits and give her solace. Music is great comfort.

All of the above comments are good. Also, very, very independent people tend to have lived their lives on their own terms, feeling that they haven't needed God. Yet, when they are this close to death, He is the only one who can truly give them some peace in the dying process. I would ask her if she is open to calling a pastor (priest, Rabbi, whatever is the case) to talk to her and if she is, give them some alone time together so she can freely talk and ask questions without looking 'weak' to her family. If she has already done this, read some accounts of people who have actually experienced heaven and come back to tell about it so you can paint a glorious picture of heaven and what she has to look forward to, and remind her of the beauty and peace there whenever she is experiencing anxiety. If she is not too weak physically, ask her what she might like to make sure is done before she goes. My sister made her own picture boards for her funeral - I taped a conversation with my grandmother about what she could remember of her childhood in Ireland so I could forever hear her Irish brogue - some like to make sure a list of who gets what is in place - anything that might make her feel somewhat still in charge of her life might help, if she is able.