How do you separate your heart and head from the loved one you have and are caring for?

When we look back we will always find something we should have done differently. Maybe more than that. Someone who posted previously said something about how our parents felt when we grew up and moved away and that's a good analogy I think. When we think back and look at what we should have done differently (as I'm sure our parents did with us) try to retrain your brain to look at everything you did that was good and right. That's what I do. The night my dad died I had worked a 12-hour shift that day and I had to go right by his NH to get home. It was close to 10pm. I had another 12-hour shift the next day and I was tired and wanted to go home and go to bed and as I was driving I decided to visit my dad the next evening since I had the day off the next day. By the time I got home, showered, and got into bed I called the NH to check on my dad and the RN told me he had died about a half an hour ago and they were getting ready to call me. Had I stopped off to see him I would have been with him when he died. Part of me wishes I could tell you that this tore me up inside but it didn't. I was working long hours, I was ill myself, and I was doing the best I could do. Do I wish I had been there when he died? Of course. But I don't beat myself up about it. I was taking care of my own business and had been at the nursing home all week long, calling in sick to work to be with my dad. Eventually I had to go back to work and that is when he died.

We do the best we can with what we've got and to what-if ourselves to death is counterproductive and a waste of energy. If you can change the situation do it, if you can't then accept it. Caregiving includes heartache and we work too hard taking care of our loved ones to second guess ourselves.

I don't think you can separate them. All you can do is remind yourself that you're doing your best and that that's all that you can ask from yourself. Whether or not the person was good to you, I think this is something you just have to find peace with. If you've made this decision, you had some reason to do so and you just need to remind yourself of what it is.

If you then realize this was the wrong decision to make, that's a different hurdle, but for now, you can only do what you think is right in the present.

As for dwelling on these feelings, it is a hard thing to stop doing. I am a "dweller," myself, and I know it's not easy to stop. What I do is remind myself that I'm punishing myself by dwelling on these things, rather than living in the moment or planning my future. It doesn't stop me, totally, but I keep reminding myself and I'm doing a little better as the years progress. Bottom line: if someone ruined your childhood, don't give them the power to ruin your adulthood, as well, which is what you do when you let those bad memories sit in your head all the time. Once again, I know how hard it is to stop thinking about these things, but am just saying that you owe it to yourself and your peace of mind to do what you can to stop dwelling.

And, by the way, I'm not talking about "forgiving and forgetting." I just mean to stop beating yourself with those thoughts and to have some peace that that is the past and that you shouldn't have to keep reliving it.

You accept what you can't change. Wishing isn't going to change the past so there's no sense wasting time wishing this or that had been done differently. Sure, sometimes it crosses my mind that I could have, should have, etc, etc, with my mom, but what's done is done. I try not to lose too much sleep over something I will never be able to change now.

H2H I'm beginning to think the people who had a lovely sunny childhood are the exception.

Eyes front, is the answer. Stop looking back, 'cos you can't go there and change anything. Easier said than done, I know, but keep at it. Concentrate on what you want next and how to get there. At the very least, it'll take your mind of old hurts.

Actually, my parents left me with my aunt when I was 16 to 'settle' in another city, while I finished my HS... I believe, this was a bad decision as a parent... but, a decision non-the-less due to being poor and needing jobs, etc... When my parents decided to move back to the state I resided... my father took ill and passed away at 45 yrs old... My upbringing/childhood was very disrupted and dysfunctional... Now, I feel like the 'child' taking care of my mother... (she was married a second time and lost her 2nd husband)after I was away from her for decades... She labels me in the family as being "too nice"... which has backfired on me as the 'black' sheep in the family... (the ONLY caregiver... 2 sons who are "living their lives"... and, are "wonderful sons"... Some of us 'children' didn't have a healthy childhood upbringing...

Now you know how your parents felt when you grew up and left home. They reassured themselves that you were going on to find happiness. Try to do the same.